Coming Out

The One Thing This Gay Dad Would Do Differently if He Had to Come Out All Over Again

Matt Mason breaks down his strategy for telling the world of his impending divorce and identity as a gay man, and reveals the way he'd break the news to his son if he could come out all over again.

The match was lit. After a marriage, three children and 24 years of denial, I was finally ready to come out of the closet as a gay man. All that was left to ignite the fire that would blow up my life as I knew it was to drop said match.

But, where to begin?

I needed a strategy. It wasn't the kind of news that I could share via a Facebook post: "Hey! Big news! I'm getting a divorce because I'm fabulously gay!" No. My family's and my own privacy and reputation were at play. This had to be done delicately, thoughtfully and respectfully.


It's not the kind of news to share via a Facebook post: "Hey! Big news! I'm getting a divorce because I'm fabulously gay!"

A clear place to start was with the kids. The twins were one-and-a-half, and it's likely they would never remember a straight version of their dad. So, the focus went to Ethan, my eleven-year-old son. The strategy that I came up with was to tell him about the divorce first and save the whole "Dad's gay" part for later. Mainly, to give him time to process part one before he had to deal with part two. I didn't want to overwhelm him.

BIG. Mistake.

I was fortunate that my wife, Tracey, was incredibly supportive during this process. She was there beside me every step of the way. I will forever be indebted to her for allowing us to share this news as a unified front, despite the fact that I had so much to gain and she had so much to lose.

When we told Ethan that we were divorcing, it's no surprise that he cried and was incredibly sad. He wanted to know why. Beyond the twin toddlers, there was no fighting or discord in the house. This all seemed abrupt and incongruous in his pre-teen mind. I can't tell you the number of times he asked "Why are you getting a divorce?" and the canned response was "For an adult reason." He wasn't buying it.

Finally, after two weeks, I consulted with Ethan's child therapist. When should we tell him this bit of information. Is he developmentally ready for it? Will it overwhelm him? In retrospect, her advice was obvious: "Tell him! He's clearly trying to understand why his entire life is being upended. It's time."

I knew once the words "I'm gay" landed on Ethan's ears, I could never take them back. For the second time in as many weeks, I was going to change my son's life forever. I was terrified. Tracey and I sat Ethan down on the bed. I sat across from him. Trying to be the stoic father, I placed my hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eyes, and said, "I know you've been curious why your mother and I are getting a divorce. I want to share with you the reason why. Ethan, I'm gay."

He burst into tears, uttered a guttural cry I hadn't heard before. I hope I never hear it again. This went on for about 30 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. I felt the lowest and most regretful I've ever felt in my entire life. What kind of father breaks his child's heart? I had spent eleven years fiercely protecting Ethan from any kind of harm, and now I was the one hurting him.

"What kind of father breaks his child's heart? I had spent eleven years fiercely protecting Ethan from any kind of harm, and now I was the one hurting him."

Somehow, we muddled our way through the tears. After Ethan cried it out, the strangest thing happened. It seemed he had come to peace with the situation. He didn't feel much of a need to talk about it anymore, and he certainly didn't cry about it again. Tracey and I, along with his therapist, did our best to make sure he wasn't repressing or hiding something. We never discovered that he was. Perhaps he just needed to push to the other side of his new reality, and once he landed, he was fine with his future.

If there was any part of the coming out process I could do over, it would have been telling Ethan that his parents were divorcing because dad is gay all in one sitting. I've come to realize if there is an inevitable truth ahead, it makes more sense to connect the dots and have one tough conversation instead of two.


Matt's three childrenCourtesy of Sarah Smith Studio


The hardest part was done. Now, I had to tell everyone else. On one hand, I was paralyzed at the thought of having to navigate my way through coming out. At the same time, the excitement, the elation, of the possibility of living a new, authentic life after years of repression helped to propel me forward. After much thought and consideration, I decided to break the people in my life into the following groups:

My closest friends and family were tier one. They would get an in-person meeting or a phone call, and I would share all the news with them as soon as possible. I started setting up lunches and phone calls right away.

Tier two were old friends or distant family that I did want to share the information with, but, they didn't necessarily need to know right away. When I shared the news, I'd probably share all of it. Most of these folks were notified via an email, but there were a select few that I decided to call.

"Coming out is an exhaustive process and you need to focus your energy on those that you care about most."

People in my daily life that needed to know that Tracey I were separating, but they didn't necessarily need to know the gay news just yet, were tier three. Unless, of course, I decided to share it. These were co-workers and neighbors that needed to know for practical reasons, but it wasn't critical that they knew I was also coming out. It had nothing to do with shame -- coming out is an exhaustive process and you need to focus your energy on those that you care about most.

Finally, tier four were folks I choose not to say anything at all to--distant relatives, old classmates I hadn't talked to in years, for example. They would eventually find out, somehow. Time and the rumor mill would take care of this group.

As you navigate through the coming out process, be prepared for the unexpected. There were people that I considered close in my life that, for one reason or another, consciously or unconsciously, distanced themselves from me. I don't absolve myself from being a contributor. Perhaps I distanced myself from them. If I did, it was never intentional. In any case, I refuse to give it much time. I've worked too damned hard to get to a place where I don't hide, or have to change who I am, to keep people close to me.

Conversely, there were those that greeted me with love, acceptance and even congratulated me for my bravery (never, in a million years, did I expect this). I rekindled some old friendships during the coming out process. Becoming my authentic self allowed me to open up in ways that I had never been able to before, and it brought certain people closer to me. Imagine that -- people liked me, loved me, for being me. It's one of the great gifts coming out has afforded me.

Coming out can be an explosive process. But, I can assure you that the fire dies down with time. If my truth (or secret) was a 10,000 pound weight, each person I told that I was gay lifted at least a hundred pounds. People will eventually reframe their identity of you. You may make mistakes along the way--there is no rulebook for this. Just be thoughtful and considerate of those around you, and the rest will sort itself out. The pot of gold at the end of the proverbial rainbow is worth it, trust.

This article is part of a series by Matt Mason, discussing coming out after 40. Read his first piece here, and be sure to follow him on Instagram at @majormattm

Show Comments ()
Personal Essays by Gay Dads

'A Gay Man's Wife': One Couple's Co-Parenting Journey

The podcast 'A Gay Man's Wife,' explores how one woman makes her marriage to a gay man work for her — and their family.

Guest post written by Michael and Tawyne, hosts of A Gay Man's Wife

Michael: Growing up, I always knew I was different. I knew that what my family perceived as normal wasn't who I was. Only when I hit a certain maturity in my teenage years did I understand that I was gay. Still, I didn't know what that meant for me at the time. When I was 16 I met Tawyne (15) and immediately felt something that I didn't quite understand. She was wild like a tornado and captivated me. Throughout the first year of our friendship we fell in love.

Keep reading... Show less
Diary of a Newly Out Gay Dad

A Newly Out Gay Dad Feels 'Demoted' After Divorce

Cameron Call showed up to his first family Thanksgiving since coming out and getting a divorce — and struggles to find himself "stuck with the singles."

Cameron Call, who came out in summer 2019, has generously agreed to chronicle his coming out journey for Gays With Kids over the next several months — the highs, lows and everything in between. Read his first article here.

Denial is an interesting thing. It's easy to think you're potentially above it, avoiding it, assume it doesn't apply to you because you'd NEVER do that, or maybe you're just simply avoiding it altogether. After finally coming out, I liked to think that I was done denying anything from now on. But unfortunately that's not the case.

And this fact became very clear to me over Thanksgiving.

Keep reading... Show less
Coming Out

My Gay Shame Is Officially Cancelled

After years of feeling ashamed of being gay, David Blacker has finally overcome it. And his son had a lot to do with it.

Scrolling through my social media feeds, reading all the posts about National Coming Out Day reminds me just how valuable it is for us to share our stories and be as open, vulnerable and authentic as possible. Warning: this article is about to get real AF, so now might be a good time to switch back to the Face-Aging app that gives Russia all your personal data.

Oh good, you stayed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."


Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

Keep reading... Show less
Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse