TOP - PERSONAL ESSAYS

When Everybody Asks a Gay Dad, “So, You’re the Mom?”

“So, you're the mom?" That's a question I get asked a lot by fellow parents, friends, family and casual acquaintances. I used to laugh it off as something funny, but always felt it was brash and lacked tact, frankly. I am a gay male who is also a parent to two adorable boys with another man. Does that, then, make it so one of us has to be the mother? It made me think of a few more questions I will dare to answer in this blog. Am I female? Am I trying to take a woman's place or roles? Am I trying to portray the stereotypical attributes of a motherly figure? Does society always feel the need to label or categorize?

I'm Not a Female

First off, no I am not a female. I have never been a female nor do I ever have the desire to be one. I love women and respect them and many of my best friends are female. However, I am not a female. Repeat I am male and I love men. Totally love being a gay male.

Benjamin (left) and his husband Nick with their two sons

I'm a Parent

Second, both my husband and I could never take the place of either of our children's birth mother or father for that matter. How could we? They conceived them and made the ultimate selfless sacrifice to give me the opportunity to parent their child. Not be a mother, but a parent. Obviously I want female role models and influences in my kids' lives. They have experiences and knowledge that I certainly don't. Do women and men have to have set roles or responsibilities in parenting? Why? Do we still live in a society where men cannot cook and clean and women can work and have no interest in house work or shopping? I certainly hope we do and that these people aren't seen as abnormal or “modern-day" families. Furthermore, if all males and females and everyone else all were treated equally and didn't come with societal baggage or discrimination, would it be as necessary to categorize their roles or choices in parenting? I don't know. That dream is sadly way far off

In a Way, We're All Moms

Third, we certainly have societal views of what a woman's role in parenting is. A lot of this ties in with my response to the second question. If being compassionate, nurturing, loving and affectionate with my kids makes me a mom then I hope all parents are moms. Or if that means cooking, cleaning, driving my kids to and from practices or endless doctor's appointments then again I hope all parents are moms.

Benjamin (left) and Nick with their oldest son in the back

No More Labels

I know by this point this may seem like a lot of ranting and maybe it is. However, that is because I do feel that society likes to label or categorize us. In order for the majority of society to make sense of same-sex parenting one person has to fill a certain role or expectation in people's minds. Society does the same thing to single parents or lesbian parents or any set of parenting situations. Not all of society is a heterosexual married couple living in suburbia with a cat and dog and 2.5 kids. Most of society isn't. Let's stop placing labels on people and just let them be what they want to be. I'm just trying to parent the best that I can. Let's leave what you call me or my role alone.

Read Benjamin's post "Are Adoptive Parents Saviors?"

And "Dad, why is my color different from my brother's?"

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I've been living with HIV for close to 30 years. I don't need to wait until World AIDS Day to reflect on the tremendous impact HIV and AIDS have had on my life.

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TOP - PERSONAL ESSAYS

Boys Don't Play With Dolls

We were at the public pool and this happened: Milo saw an Ariel (The Little Mermaid) doll at the side of the pool and said, "Whoa!" He grabbed it and started to play with it. Then the mother of the little girl whom the doll belonged to said to us, "Boys don't play with dolls!"

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Change the World

Breaking with Older Generations,  Most LGBTQ Millenials Say They Want Kids

According to new research by the Family Equality Council, the number of LGBTQ parents is expected to rise dramatically in the coming years

According to the LGBTQ Family Building Survey, recently released by the Family Equality Council, the majority of young LGBTQ say they are interested in becoming parent. This marks a dramatic shift when compared with the attitudes of older generations.

Among the survey's findings:

  • 63% of LGBTQ Millennials (aged 18-35) are considering expanding their families, either becoming parents for the first time, or by having more children
  • 48% of LGBTQ Millennials are actively planning to grow their families, compared to 55% of non-LGBTQ Millennials, a gap that has narrowed significantly in comparison to older generations
  • 63% of LGBTQ people planning families expect to use assisted reproductive technology, foster care, or adoption to become parents, a significant shift away from older generations of LGBTQ parents for whom the majority of children were conceived through intercourse.

Despite the expected increase in LGBTQ parents, most providers, they note, "do not typically receive training about the unique needs of the LGBTQ community; forms and computer systems are not developed with LGBTQ families in mind; insurance policies are rarely created to meet the needs of LGBTQ family building; and discrimination against LGBTQ prospective parents by agencies and providers remains widespread."

The Family Equality Council goes on to recommend that family building providers "from reproductive endocrinologists and obstetricians to neonatal social workers, family law practitioners, and child welfare workers" begin preparing now to welcome future LGBTQ parents.

Read the full report here.

Change the World

Gay Dads More 'Equitable' in Parenting Roles Than Straight Dads, Says New Study

Unmoored by gender roles, gay dads take equal parts in being "playmates, caregivers, protectors, role models, morality guides,

A new study conducted by Éric Feugé from the Université du Québec à Montréal observed 46 families, made up of 92 gay dads and their 46 children over a period of seven years.

The study, which Feugé says is the first of its kind, analyzed the roles gay dads take in raising their kids and found the way they parent is 'very equitable'.

'We learned that gay fathers' sharing of tasks is very equitable,' the researcher told the Montreal Gazette, who added there was a "high degree of engagement" by both gay dads in all types of parental roles. "What's really interesting is that they don't conform to roles of conventional fathers. They were able to redefine and propose new models of cultural notions of paternity and masculinity."

Unmoored by gender roles, gay dads take equal parts in being "playmates, caregivers, protectors, role models, morality guides,' the author said.

Read the full review of the research here.

Change the World

Don't F*ck With This F*g

After a homophobic encounter on the subway, BJ questions what the right response is, in an era of increasing vocal rightwing activists

On February 1, 2019, Frank and I went out on a date night, something we haven't done in a while. Our son was sleeping over at his grandparents for the night and we made plans with our friends to meet them for dinner downtown. We decided to save some money and take the subway into town instead of taking a taxi.

We boarded the subway and sat down opposite a couple, a man and woman. I noticed they looked at us as we boarded the train and began whispering to each other. Frank and I were talking to each other when I heard the man uttering under his breath, "F*$%ing faggots."

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Gay Dad Life

14 Gay Dad Families Show Their Love This Valentine's Day

These pics of gay dads smooching will warm the hearts of even the biggest V-Day skeptics

You might quietly (or loudly) oppose the commercialism and celebration of Valentine's Day, but let's just take a moment and rejoice in these beautiful signs of affection, shared between 14 awesome two-dad families. Cynicism gone? Good.

Happy Valentine's Day, dads! We hope you have a lovely day with your kids, your significant other, and / or friends. Because who doesn't love love!?!

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