Gay Dad Life

The Universe Responds

When our son turned 2, we decided that it was time to think about having a second child. We’d made it through those first parent milestones of pure euphoria and utter exhaustion – that feeling of having no idea what you were doing, but eventually knowing you were doing something right. Our baby boy was turning into a little toddler and we were ready to be dads again.


We always knew we wanted two kids. My husband I have both have siblings and we wanted our son to experience the joys of being a big brother.

But whether we should actually have a second child was still a huge decision – emotionally and financially.

We realized how lucky we were to have one child. In private adoption, there are no absolutes. No matter how many courses you take, how in-depth your homestudy is, or how friendly your adoption profile looks, you have absolutely no control; kind of like trying to get pregnant, but definitely a lot less fun. All you can do is throw positive vibes out to the universe, and hope the universe responds.

Having a second child meant a second homestudy and all the associated costs. It meant opening our lives up to a social worker again, and redoing the entire list of medical, reference and police checks.

If we wanted to register with the provincial ministry in addition to our private agency in order to broaden our chances, it meant repeating the same six weeks of classes we had already done. Because, you know, having a child already wasn’t enough to prove to the government that we knew how to be parents. But I digress.

It meant waiting again – for who knows how long – to be picked by a birth mom or birth family. We recognized that so many couples wait years for just one child - and we had only waited nine months. Had we used up our universal karma? How long would we have to wait for baby number two? If and when we did get picked, would the age gap between both kids be too big? Would we be too old?

We were also told it would be harder the second time. Our agency explained that the majority of birth moms they’ve worked with don’t pick a family with a child. Could our son, who we knew would make an amazing brother, be a liability for us to become parents again?

And what if we did get picked and then the birthmom changed her mind? We’d been through that before – could we go through it again?

We could and we did. And six weeks after we finished our first homestudy, we were chosen to be dads. Not by our son’s birthmother, but by another birthmom. We were elated. We told everyone we were having a baby. We bought the minivan and the crib. And then the birthmom changed her mind.

It happens in open adoption – we had been warned. But we were confident it wouldn’t happen to us.

Boy, were we wrong. It was emotionally devastating. Could we put our son through that? “Son, meet your sister/brother...ummmm...nevermind...”

Honestly, as much as we wanted to be dads, there was a part of us that thought, maybe we should just count our blessing and be happy with the family we had?

But we knew we weren’t done. We looked at our son and realized that if we had quit the process when our first adoption fell through, we would have never been his dads. We decided that all the risk, uncertainty, and anxiety the adoption process involves was completely worth the effort.

And it turns out that we were right - ten months after we completed our second homestudy, we got the call.

“Do you want to be dads again?”

Five months later, our incredible daughter was born.

We now look at our two kids, and we absolutely know we made the right choice. I couldn’t imagine not being their dad.

Our house is filled with the laughter and giggles my husband and I always dreamed of. Our kids have this amazing bond – one that only siblings know - and one that I hope will last a lifetime.

They play, they fight, they share toys, they grab each others toys, they chase each other, and they run away from each other. They do all the things siblings do. It’s exhilarating and exhausting, and most of all, beautiful to watch.

And one day, when they hit those teenage years - when Daddy and Poppa go from being awesome dads to annoying dads – they’ll have each other to commiserate with when we tell them:

“No, you can’t go to that house party.”

“No, you can’t get a piercing there!”

“Yes, you can take the hover-car, but only if you pay for a tank of clean-burning organic gas.”

When our first adoption fell through, someone told me, “Ian, you’re meant to have the children you’re meant to have. Your children are out there, you just don’t know them yet.” At the time, I didn’t understand or believe that. All I could do was focus on was the loss.

But now I completely understand. I know we were destined to be our kids’ fathers and that our kids were destined to be brother and sister.

As I said – in adoptions, there are no absolutes. But I also know that if you don’t go after your dreams, the universe absolutely has no chance to respond.

And for us it responded in the best possible way – by creating our family.

Show Comments ()
Gay Dad Life

Cooking with Kids: An Interview with David Burtka

David Burtka sits down with us to talk about his new book "Life is a Party."

When you're a young couple it's easy to order in or dine out on a daily basis, but when the kids come along, spending time in the kitchen to prepare nutritious and healthy meals for them can become a problem for some dads. We turned to gay dad and celebrity chef David Burtka who just published his debut recipe book Life is a Party, to get some advice, inspiration, and support as we take our baby steps in the kitchen.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Family Stories

Philippe "Swiped Right" on This Handsome Young Dad

At first, Philippe wasn't sure he could date a man who was a dad. But Steve, and his son Gabriel, have helped him realize a "fatherly side" of himself he didn't know he had.

"It's been one hell of a ride since the beginning," said 26-year-old Steve Argyrakis, Canadian dad of one. He was 19 when he found out he was going to be a dad and the mom was already several months along in her pregnancy. Steve, who lives in Montreal, was struggling with his homosexuality but wanted to do the "right thing," so he continued to suppress his authentic self. "I was so scared about the future and about my own happiness, that I had put aside my homosexuality once again."

A couple of months later, little Gabriel was born, and it was love at first sight.

Keep reading... Show less
Entertainment

Ain't No Party Like a Gay Dad Dance Party

Gay dads singing and dancing with their kids is EXACTLY what you need to get your weekend started right.

Who jams to Led Zeppelin with their kids?

Who rocks some sweet moves to Kelly Clarkson?

Who sings along with their kids in the car?

Who breaks it down with a baby strapped to them in a carrier?

We all do! But these guys happened to catch it all on tape for us to enjoy! Thanks dads. 😂

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Adoption

5 Ways to Know Your Adoption Agency Is LGBTQ-Friendly

So you're ready to adopt. How do you know your adoption agency won't just discriminate against you as a gay man, but is actively welcoming to LGBTQ people?

You know what is the worst? Adoption agencies who discriminate! So how do you know your agency welcomes you? Check out our list of five immediate ways to know if your agency is LGBTQ affirming.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

Gay Dads Featured in Enfamil Commercial

A new ad for Enfamil showcases two gay men talking about their daughter.

The best kind of inclusion is when you're not singled out but instead included right along with everyone else. This kind inclusion inspires others to pursue their own dreams and desires, just like any one else. As part of our popular culture, we know that brands are uniquely suited to inspire us in this way.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Daughter of Married Gay Couple Who Used Surrogacy Abroad Isn't Citizen, Says U.S. State Department

A decades-old law can be used to discriminate against gay couples who use surrogacy abroad.

James Derek Mize and his husband Jonathan Gregg are both American citizens, but their daughter, born via a surrogate, may not be, at least according to the U.S. State Department.

The New York Times took an in-depth look at this case in a piece that ran in the paper yesterday. While James was born and raised in the U.S, his husband Jonathan was originally born in Britain. That may be enough, according to the State Department, to deny their daughter citizenship.

"We're both Americans; we're married," James told the New York Times. "We just found it really hard to believe that we could have a child that wouldn't be able to be in our country."

According to decades-old immigration law, a child born abroad must have a biological connection to a parent that is a U.S. citizen in order to be eligible to receive citizenship upon birth. Children born via surrogacy are determined to be "out of wedlock," according to the Times report," which then requires a more onerous process to qualify for citizenship, such as demonstrating that a biological parent is not only an American citizen, but has spent at least five years in the country.

The intent of the law, which dates back to the 1950s, was to prevent people from claiming, falsely, that they are the children of U.S. parents. But LGBTQ advocates argue this archaic policy is being used intentionally to discriminates against same-sex couples, who often have to rely on donors, IVF and surrogacy in order to have biologically children, and are thus held to a higher standard.

"This is where our life is. This is where our jobs are," James told the Times. "Our daughter can't be here, but she has no one else to care for her."

Read the whole story here.


Popular

Couple That Met at the Gym Now Spotting Each Other Through Fatherhood

How two real New-Yorkers became two soft-hearted dads

This article is part of our family feature series with Circle Surrogacy, a surrogacy agency that has been helping LGBTQ+ singles and couples realize their dream of parenthood for the past 20 years.

Byron and Matthew Slosar, both 41, met ten years ago at one of New York City's Equinox gyms. "I asked him for a spot on the bench press," smiled Byron. The couple were married September 22, 2012.

Surrogacy was always the way Byron and Matthew wanted to become parents. They chose to wait and become dads later in life, until they had established careers and the financial means to pursue their chosen path.

They signed with Circle Surrogacy after interviewing a few agencies. "We immediately connected with their entire staff, particularly Anne Watson who lovingly dealt with my healthy neuroses on the daily for 1.5 years," said Byron. "They definitely personalized the service and helped us understand all 2,000 moving parts." The dads-to-be were also very impressed with how much emotional support they received from Circle.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse