Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Gay Dads Left "Speechless" by Daughter's Reaction to Learning Her Birthmother's Identity

"It felt like a bag of bricks lifted off of us," Erik Alexander wrote of revealing the identity of their daughter's birthmother

I can't believe it's been over two years since I wrote about our 'Open Adoption' for Gays With Kids. In that article I covered the series of long discussions that my husband Douglas and I had that led to our decision to pursue an open adoption. There are several reasons that this was the right choice for our family.

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Gay Dad Life

One Gay Dad's Arduous Ascent Atop Potty Mountain

Potty training can feel like climbing a mountain with many peaks and valleys. Here are some words of wisdom from one gay dad who made the ascent and lived to tell the tale.

BSA Photography

Anyone with kids can probably attest that potty training is literally one of the hardest things you've encountered as a parent so far. I know I sure as heck can. It really felt like we were climbing a mountain... in flip-flops! There were highs that were full of celebrations with potty treats and dancing while we cheered our girl on. But then, just as things were looking good, it takes a sharp turn for the worse. Get ready, because there are just as many lows. I am talking full of sheer and utter dread. There were days that I felt so defeated.

Just when it seemed like we had started hiking up that mountain again, we'd fall almost right back to the bottom.

But I am here to tell you, there is hope!

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

After He Put Down His Cigarettes and Picked Up a Bike, This Gay Dad Charted a New Course in Life

Erik Alexander celebrates on his 10 year anniversary of going smoke-free, and some of the twists and turns that got him to where he is now.

Photo Credit: BSA photography

You can always count on January to be full of New Year's resolution clichés that make you want to just slam your face in a door.

Well, I hate to add to the torture, but you know I have to chime right on in!

This January marked my 10th year of kicking the nasty habit of smoking cigarettes. It was the second hardest thing I have ever done. Last year I wrote about my personal coming of age story about the wild and crazy life I led when I worked in nightlife on Bourbon Street. It definitely wasn't for the faint of heart. (Check it out if you haven't already.) Ultimately, I would leave that life behind. Unfortunately, my love of cigarettes survived. To allow you to really understand where I am coming from, I will just pick up where the last piece left off.

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Gay Dad Life

Why One Gay Dad is Unapologetically Embracing Christmas Early This Year

By decorating for Christmas early this year, Erik says they aren't replacing Thanksgiving--just enhancing it


With everything going on in our country, I think saying that it has been a crazy year is an understatement. It has been emotionally difficult and draining at times for many. This year brought so many new changes that it is hard to wrap our minds around some of them. The daunting feeling of uncertainty looms over our heads as we march deeper into this unfamiliar territory led by someone that is so disconnected and embarrassing.

We can take solace in knowing that a new change is on the horizon and the midterm election a couple of weeks ago proved it. We are sick of being led by a tyrant. We want a leader to be proud of. We want a role model for our children, and I have all the faith in the world that we will find that perfect statesman. When we do, all of our hearts will know it. In the meantime, let us focus our positive energy on our beautiful and diverse families all across this amazing country.

Change is hard. Change is brutal. But a lot of times, change is beautiful. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes longer than we had hoped. With that said, one thing will not change- the holidays. For most families, this time of year brings cheer, joy, hope, and optimism for the new year to come.

I have always had one golden rule when it comes to decorating our home for the holidays: the current holiday must pass before decorating for another. Last year, our 3 year old developed an appreciation for all that Christmas brings. Now, her year and a half old little sister has now started to love it too. The way they both light up and get excited when they see Christmas decorations made me re-evaluate for the first time in my life, what if I changed things up this year? Decorating earlier will also help attenuate the political frustration that this year brought. That coupled with the amazement that our little girls have for Christmas makes a strong case for decorating for Christmas early. Sure, there are diehard Thanksgiving fans that grumble at the thought of Christmas coming early and I am sure they will give this a healthy eye roll and, if so, that's ok.

We are not replacing Thanksgiving. I like to think that we are just enhancing it. We will most definitely continue to teach our children the meaning of Thanksgiving and to enjoy the symbolic feast that comes along with it. The white pumpkins I usually put out for Thanksgiving really made a statement when I mixed them with the Christmas attire. I was quite surprised and impressed by the final outcome.

These days, one of my primary goals in life is to create an environment for my family that is happy, healthy, and nurturing. I want them to get excited about Christmas, both the true meaning and the atmosphere that it brings. When my children walk into the house, I want them to be transported into a bright, cheerful place that they will always remember. Perhaps it will even inspire the way they celebrate the holidays with their families (and our future grandchildren) in the future. The world can be a harsh, cold and scary place, especially more lately it seems. I would be lying if I said I didn't do this for myself too. I am. For the first time in my life, I am worried for the future of our country. I am terrified of the direction we as Americans have taken and it is setting a precedent on what the future will be like for my family. For example, mass shootings that seem to happen monthly now met with the lack of response followed by a series of excuses by our leaders along with the bigotry and racism masked by patriotism that plague our society. I know I am speaking of sore subjects, but all of these reasons give me the motivation for welcoming the Christmas season earlier.


I do have faith that in time, competent leaders will emerge and will steer us in a direction that will help fade our fear into the bold and lionhearted society that we are. Voices were heard a couple of weeks ago. This was the most diverse group of elected officials on record! There is a fire that has been ignited within us and time will allow it to spread. That fire is coming in the form of what we all have hoped for- Change.

We as LGBTQ families need to comfort one another. Lets extend our hands to each other. Let this holiday season not be about the "correct" time in which we decorate for Christmas, moreover lets make it about coming together as a community that lifts each other up. Lets protect each other. Lets embrace each other for all the we are, all that we bring and all that we stand for. Let us not be silenced- and pushed into a corner but let us lead by example- while showing our children who their parents are by being respectful, tolerant and warmhearted as we welcome this Christmas season.

May you and your family have the most beautiful and happiest of holidays, regardless of when you choose to welcome Christmas. I pray that 2019 will bring each of you happiness, patience, resilience and with time, we will get there, together!

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

This Gay Dad is Proof: Your Past Doesn't Have to Prevent You From Having Kids

There's plenty in Erik's past he says he's not proud of--drug use and a brief stint in local jail among them. Now married with two daughters, though, his life is proof that your past does not dictate your future.

I am sure that, at some point, everyone has looked back at their past and wished they could change a few things that they are not proud of. From time to time I feel like that, too. As I have written before, I moved to New Orleans when I was a kid- just out of high school. Owning this newfound life was incredibly liberating, but it did not come without consequences.

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

How My Personal Pride As a Gay Man Has Evolved Since I Became a Dad

Erik hasn't always loved pride season. That's changed since he became a dad.

Since Father's Day is right around the corner and Pride month has just officially kicked off, I thought it would be appropriate to write about how my personal pride evolved since I became a father.

I came out soon after graduating from high school. I would frequently travel back and forth between my home in Mississippi and New Orleans, allowing myself to finally experience what it was like to be able to be my true self. At the same time, I was horrified at the possibility of someone from my hometown seeing me partying in the gay clubs on Bourbon Street. After being submerged in religion and scrambling to keep up appearances my whole life, I feared that I would be alienated by my friends and cut off from my family if they found out. I saw that New Orleans had a gay pride parade but I made sure to stay so far away from it. In a way, I had no pride at all at that point in my life. I knew the life that I wanted to live, but I also knew the life that I had always lived and how it was in jeopardy of being taken away from me.

How could I be proud of that?

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

A Gay Dad's Tribute to ALL Kinds of Moms This Mother's Day

To mom's of ALL kinds: birth, surrogate, foster, step, expectant, hopeful, single, adoptive and married: Happy Mother's Day!

Ya know, as life marches forward and the older I get, the more I understand and appreciate the dedication and resilience of my own mother. As long as I can remember, Mother's Day has been special in our home. The unwavering commitment and tireless devotion that lady has shown for her family is selfless and humbling. The hardships she has seen in her life have helped shape her character and transform her into an even more compassionate and benevolent person.

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Gay Adoption

The Three Books That Helped This Gay Dad Have "The Talks" With His Adopted Daughter

Well before the "Birds and the Bees" talk, gay adoptive dads have a couple others they have to get through with their children. Here's several books that helped Erik Alexander and his husband have these talks with their daughter Alli Mae

It's hard to believe that we are already embarking on the appropriate time to have the "talks" with our oldest child, Alli Mae. It seems like yesterday that I was writing about our tiny little preemie. That itty bitty, 3.5 lb baby has quickly blossomed into a beautiful little girl. I am sure every household has a different opinion of when the "talks" should happen. In a heterosexual home, the "talk" usually means the birds and the bees, and takes place much later in life. However, for homosexual parents there are multiple talks. Sure, the birds and the bees are one of them and quite frankly probably the easiest of them all to have. The "talks" I am referring to are about adoption and having two dads.

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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