Become a Gay Dad

Thinking of Asking Your Sister to Serve as Egg Donor?

Unfortunately, barring a medical breakthrough (which may actually be closer than we think) two gay men can’t make a baby together. Still, many gay couples ensure both men are biologically related to their child born through surrogacy by asking a close female relative such as a sister to serve as a known egg donor.


 

Some of the Potential Advantages

There’s plenty about such an arrangement that could prove attractive to gay men considering surrogacy:

Both dads will be biologically related to their child. Though only one dad will be the genetic father when a female relative donates eggs, both will nonetheless be biologically related to any child resulting from a surrogacy journey. This arrangement can ensure that both dads feel as if a part of them is biologically reflected in their child.

A special relationship often forms between child and egg donor. Many gay couples have found the resulting relationship between a child and his or her egg donor to be unique and beneficial to all involved. Though asking a sister or other close female relative to serve as an egg donor will never be without complications, how can it ever be a bad thing to have another loving adult in your child’s life?

Egg donors help lower the price. As anyone who has ever done even a cursory Google search on surrogacy already knows — surrogacy is not cheap; in fact, it can often cost upwards of $100,000. However, relatives who step up to serve as egg donors often do so for free or with minimal compensation, helping put a significant dent into the price tag. This can help couples save as much as $25,000 in some instances.

 

Some of the Consequences You Should Consider

Despite these benefits, asking a relative to serve as an egg donor has serious consequences that should be thoroughly explored. The following questions may serve as a guideline.

Have you processed how your relationship will change? There’s practically no way for your sister or other close relative to serve as your egg donor without it significantly changing your relationship. Though she may not be a parent to your child, she will always be your child’s genetic mother. Of course, changing your relationship in this way can be great, but everyone must be onboard for the journey to be a success.

Does your relative understand the procedure? Donating eggs is a major medical procedure. Typically, donors are asking to take a series of fertility drugs prior to the egg retrieval. Eggs are then retrieved via a procedure called transvaginal ultrasound aspiration, whereby a thin needle inside an ultrasound probe is inserted into the egg donor’s vagina to identify and retrieve eggs. The procedure is safe and routine, but it’s important for your egg donor to be fully aware of what she’s agreeing to.

What kind of relationship will your egg donor have with your child? It’ll be important to set some parameters on the type of relationship your egg donor will have with your child. Will she act as a special aunt or a mother figure? How much contact will she want to have with your child? How much contact are you comfortable with? Does she have her own family? If so, you will need to ensure that not only she, but her husband or partner is also onboard with, and understands the ramifications of this life-changing decision.

While these discussions might be intimidating, don’t let them deter you. The only way to determine whether a known donor arrangement will work for you and your family is to talk through these difficult questions. And fortunately, there are many gay couples with success stories to share. Read about Paul’s story and Scott’s story for just a couple of positive examples of gay men who asked female relatives to serve as egg donors.

 

For more articles on surrogacy:

5 Questions Gay Men Should Ask a Surrogacy Agency

7 Tips to Consider When Choosing Your Surrogate or Gestational Carrier

Which States Allow Gay Men to Use Traditional or Gestational Surrogacy?

 

Show Comments ()
Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
Keep reading... Show less
Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."

Gay Dad Life

Why Date Night Is So Important

When you're a parent, time alone with your significant other isn't a luxury — it's a necessity.

Even before the morning sunlight — and my eyelids — have lifted, I'm reminded that I'm somebody's father. It's usually around 5:40am when my 8-year old son Maxwell pokes his head into our room shouting "cock-a-doodle-doo" at the top of his lungs. He's usually wearing an adorably comfy onesie, a look he thankfully refuses to retire. His rooster call is followed up with strict demands in quick succession:

"Warm milk!"

"Turn on the lights."

"Where's your phone?"

"Put on Nick Jr."

"Feed me yogurt while I play Fortnite!" (Note: we don't… well… anymore.)

This Groundhog Day routine follows us as we pick out his clothes for the day —"Comfy camouflage t-shirt and sweat pants!" he insists (shoot me now). We then make him breakfast, prepare his packed lunch and then make sure his completed homework is in his schoolbag.

Keep reading... Show less
Personal Essays by Gay Dads

We Gained a Son Through Foster Care — He Didn't Lose his Family

Foster-adopt expert Trey Rabun writes a moving essay about his own experiences as a parent in the foster care system.

My husband, Phil, and I talked about having children since out first date over 11 years ago. Like many other gay dads, we waited to start the journey to become parents until we felt secure with our careers, finances, and home life. This meant we didn't start the partnering journey until 2016 when we were eight years into our relationship.

When we first met, I was completing my graduate studies in social work and subsequently started a career working in foster care and adoption. This made our decision to pursue foster care-adoption as our path to parenthood a fairly easy one. In fact, I can't recall us discussing other avenues to parenthood, but I'm sure we briefly discussed them before solidifying our decision to become foster parents.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

In the Philly Area? Attend 'Family Pride' On October 5th!

Philadelphia Family Pride is hosting their 10th Annual "Family Matters" Conference on October 5th for LGBTQ parents, prospective parents, and their kids!

Guest post by Stephanie Haynes, the executive director of Philadelphia Family Pride

On Saturday, October 5, 2019, Philadelphia Family Pride will hold their 10th Annual Family Matters Conference from 9am to 3:30pm for LGBTQ parents, prospective parents and their kids of all ages at the University of the Sciences in West Philadelphia. The theme this year is "Telling Our Stories." Registration is now open!

In an interactive keynote, Anndee Hochman, author of the Philadelphia Inquirer's weekly "Parent Trip" column, will share highlights from her work as a journalist and memoirist. She'll invite conversation about the stories that shape us—what tales do we share? who does the telling? who is left out?—and how those stories, added up, are changing the world. Read her bio.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Adoption

5 Things to Keep in Mind When Preparing for Your Home Study

Molly Rampe Thomas of Choice Network lists the 5 things gay men should keep in mind when preparing for your home study

The homestudy is the first step in the adoption process. In every state the homestudy is done a little differently, but all of them have the some combo of paperwork, trainings, and interviews. The homestudy can take anywhere from 2 months to 6 months to complete. Without it, you cannot adopt.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

'NolaPapa' Launches YouTube Channel: Story of a Gay Dad

Check out Erik Alexander's new YouTune Channel: Story of a Gay Dad

When we first found out that our second daughter was African American I froze. Not because of her race, but because I knew NOTHING about African American hair. So I frantically tried to learn as much as I could while she was a newborn so I was ready to style it when she was a little older.

I decided to launch our YouTube channel Nolapapa: Story of a Gay Dad to focus on this very topic! Episodes 1-5 will solely be dedicated to learning how to wash, care for and styling African American hair. Afterwards, the content will shift towards personal & family situations, adoption, gay parenting questions and other great content! I'd love your support and become part of our little village as we launch this new project!

Sending Nola love to each of ya!

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse