Sponsored

The Most Important Woman a Gay Man Will Ever Date

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy gives some tips and tricks for getting to know your surrogate once matched

It's time to fine tune your dating skills because you're about to enter into the most important courtship you'll encounter. And it all starts with the biggest first date of your life.

And it's with a woman.

This woman is your gestational carrier; the woman who will carry and care for your baby until she delivers this little bundle of joy right into your arms.

Matching with a gestational carrier – or surrogate – is one of the most exciting milestones in your journey to parenthood through surrogacy. However, it can also be the most nerve wracking. Chances are you've seen a profile about your potential surrogate match so you know a little bit about her and her family. But before you commit to this woman, you'll need to meet her first – either in person or via video. And this is one first meeting you've probably never prepared for!

Circle Surrogacy has been matching surrogates and gay dads for almost 25 years. Here are tried and true tips and tricks to getting to know your surrogate...and keeping the relationship alive during pregnancy and after birth!


7 Tips for your First Date with your Surrogate

You'll likely be nervous for this first meeting, which many times occurs as a video call. What should you wear? What should you talk about? The best advice: relax! Chances are, your surrogate is just as nervous as you are. These tips will help you prepare for – and survive! – your first "date" with your surrogate:

  1. Prepare yourself for an awkward first few minutes. Let's be honest, this is not a normal meeting or first date. You are meeting a woman to see if you 'click' so she could carry a baby for you! Sometimes it's best to acknowledge the awkwardness from the get-go. Starting the conversation by saying, "I'm excited to meet you, but I'm a little nervous!" is a great way to break the ice and get the chit-chat started.
  2. Prepare a list of talking points. We're not suggesting you read from index cards, however, you may want to have a short list of bulleted topics you'd like to cover on your call. The overwhelming emotions you'll be feeling may cause you to forget questions you'd like to ask; also, having a list of topics will come in handy to fill any awkward moments of silence.
  3. Be honest. Above all, be open and honest during your conversation. What are you looking for in a surrogate? What do you hope to get out of your surrogacy journey? What type of relationship do you hope for with your surrogate? Be sure to talk about what you truly think and feel, instead of what you think your surrogate might want to hear to agree to match with you.
  4. Share your story. Tell your surrogate about yourself: when did you know you wanted to be a dad? If you're coupled, how did you meet? What's your life like? This is an opportunity to not only get to know your surrogate, but for her to get to know the real you, too.
  5. Don't treat the meeting like a job interview. While you may have a million questions for your potential gestational carrier, try to not interrogate her. Treat this meeting like a conversation. Ask open-ended questions that allow her to share stories and her experiences and feelings on topics. And then share your story, too (see #5!). The last thing you want to do is make her feel like she's being questioned; you want her to feel like you're trying to get to know her.
  6. Keep the conversation light. The first date is probably not the time to discuss heavy or deep topics with your surrogate. Instead, focus on topics such as family, hobbies, vacation spots, and describing what it's like to live where you are. And it's NEVER the time to talk about money.
  7. Don't put expectations on the length of the call. Like any first date, the end can be a little...stressful. This first meeting does not need to be hours long. Some dads shared with us that they had wonderful conversations lasted around 45 minutes, while other dads had conversations that last over 2 hours! There is no "right" amount of time for this first meeting. Get to know one another enough to determine if she's "the one", whether that's 30 minutes or 3 hours.

5 Yips for Dating Your Surrogate Through Pregnancy

You've made it through the first date with success! You are now matched with a wonderful woman who you will now have a relationship with for the next 12-16 months...and beyond. It's imperative that you nurture this relationship throughout the journey, as you'll be experiencing some amazing milestones together.

Here are some tips on how to "date" your surrogate – and grow your relationship.

  1. Maintain at least weekly communication. Most intended parents and their surrogates communicate way more than weekly, however you'll find the cadence of communication that works for you both. Communication can be anything from video chats to texts, phone calls to photos.
  2. Ask for updates. Since surrogates have been through their own pregnancies before, what they are experiencing is not new to them. However, it IS new to YOU. It's ok to ask for updates throughout the pregnancy: how is she feeling? Is she craving any crazy foods? Is the baby kicking like crazy? Your surrogate wants to share all these details with you - so ask away!
  3. Share your feelings. This one falls under the honesty camp: be open about how you're feeling in your journey. Anxious? Nervous? Excited? Let your surrogate know. She's an experienced mama so she may be able to calm any fears or share some thoughts. Being open with her will also bring you closer.
  4. Openly discuss D-day (delivery day!). Around week 20 of your pregnancy you'll fill out your birth plan with your surrogate. You'll answer questions about what your expectations are for delivery day, who you'd like in the delivery room, etc. It can be helpful to discuss delivery day early and often, so all parties are as prepared as they can be...and ready for plans B and C should you need them!
  5. Talk about the future. While discussing the future may be taboo for your first date, it should be a talking point throughout your relationship. Discuss what you imagine your relationship with your surrogate is like after your baby is born. Every journey is different. The level of relationship you have after the baby is born is unique to you and your surrogate. Some parents and their surrogate remain in contact with periodic calls and videos. While others become extended families of one another and visit and vacation together.

First impressions are everything. Prepare for your first date – aka, your first video call or meeting – with your surrogate like you would any other meeting. Be ready to not only ask her questions, but to share information about yourself.

Our best advice: be yourself!

Show Comments ()
Surrogacy for Gay Men

'Men Having Babies' Launches Surrogacy Seminar Series in Toronto

Calling all Toronto gay, bi and trans dads-to-be who are interested in surrogacy! Men Having Babies has an upcoming event that you'll want to know about.

This Saturday, March 7, Men Having Babies (MHB) will host the first in a series of events about surrogacy in Canada. The series consists of four seminars, each three to four hours long, running from March through to October of 2020, hosted and co-sponsored by Toronto LGBTQ+ institution, The 519.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Utah Bill Would Allow Gay Men to Enter Surrogacy Contracts

Rep. Patrice Arent of Utah is sponsoring a bill that will remove a provision that currently prohibits gay men from entering into commercial surrogacy contracts in the state.

Though Utah is not one of the three states that currently prohibit commercial surrogacy contracts, the state's current policy does specifically exclude gay men from doing so. That may soon changed, however, thanks to a bill in the state's legislature that was unanimously voted out of a House Committee that would remove that restriction.

The bill, sponsored by Rep. Patrice Arent, D-Millcreek, a Democrat, was created in response to a ruling by the Utah Supreme Court this past August that found the ban on gay men unconstitutional.

Gay men have been excluded from legally entering surrogacy contracts due to a provision in the current law that requires medical evidence "that the intended mother is unable to bear a child or is unable to do so without unreasonable risk to her physical or mental health or to the unborn child," Rep. Arent told the Salt Lake Tribune — a requirement that clearly excludes gay male couples.

The state's original surrogacy law dates back to 2005, before same-sex marriage was legalized in the state, which accounts for the gendered language. Though the state's Supreme Court already ruled the provision unconstitutional, Rep Arent further told the Tribute that, "People do not look to Supreme Court opinions to figure out the law, they look to the code and the code should be constitutional."

Surrogacy for Gay Men

Campaign to Legalize Surrogacy in New York Heats Up with Competing Bills

Two competing bills — one backed by Governor Andrew Cuomo and another by Senator Liz Krueger with stricter provisions — are aiming to legalize surrogacy in New York.

Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York is once again attempting to legalize commercial surrogacy in the state, which is still just one of three states in the country to forbid the practice.

"This antiquated law is repugnant to our values and we must repeal it once and for all and enact the nation's strongest protections for surrogates and parents choosing to take part in the surrogacy process," Governor Cuomo said in a statement in announcing a broader effort called Love Makes a Family. "This year we must pass gestational surrogacy and expedite the second parent adoption process to complete marriage and family equality."

Keep reading... Show less
Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

What's Life Like as a Single Gay Dad? These Guys Sound Off

We checked in with some of the single gay dads in our community to see what life is like while parenting solo

March 21st is Single Parents Day! To celebrate, we checked in with some single gay men in our community to sound off on what life is like while parenting solo — the good, the challening and everything in between.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse