Sh*t My Kids Say

This post was originally published in November 2014. For Bill's second installment of "Sh*t My Kids Say, check out his latest post here.

For this post I've compiled some memorable family moments by mining old Facebook statuses. Our cast of characters consists of my daughter Mary, now 7, her little sister Nora, now 4, my husband J.R., and me. (See ab fab photo above)


  • Mary, after watching hang gliders: "Do you know why I don't want to hang glide?" J.R.: "Why?" Mary: "I don't want to die."
  • Nora, reading a comic book in which the heroes are in the grips of a giant monster: "Do you know how to kill the monster? You cut off its tentacles and poke out its eyes. Then it can't see you or grab you. That's how you kill it." (I don't think we need to worry about this one during the zombie apocalypse.)
  • I'm driving Mary, then 5, and her friend around town. Mary: “Daddy, are we in the Castro (in San Francisco)?" Me: “Yep." Mary to her friend: “You won't see many girls here. There are usually only boys here."
  • Nora: "I'm FASHION-FORWARD, people!" Said while standing on the couch with one shoulder of her nightgown pulled down. And that is nothing compared to some of the creative ways that she reimagines how clothes should be worn.
  • Mary, giving us a hint during a game of 'Find the Object': "It's in your bedroom. On your bed. Under something. There are pillows and blankets on there." (Note to self: teach her the correct definition of 'hint').

  • The night before Father's Day, Nora pokes her head into the bedroom: "Do you want breakfast in bed tomorrow?" J.R. and I: "Yes, thank you." Nora: "Okay." Then, with a sly grin on her face, “And I'll be sure to bring you (points at J.R.) a beer, and you (points at me) wine." Grin widens as she slowly steps back and closes the door.
  • Nora to our dog: "No Pogo! Stay off the bed. Stay off, Pogo!" Me: "Pogo doesn't understand what you're saying." Nora to Pogo: "Woof! Woof, woof! Woof!"
  • Lights in the house go out; J.R: "I think I blew a fuse." Mary, whispering to me and totally serious: "Does that mean he farted?"
  • Preview of Mary as Teenager, Part 1: As she walks onto the basketball court, me: "It's your final game! Go get 'em! Woo-hoo!" Mary stops, turns, points at me: "Don't do that."
  • Preview of Mary as Teenager, Part 2: While walking around Disneyland, J.R. makes loud scary noises; then asks Mary (6 at the time) "Am I scaring you?" Mary: " No, but you're embarrassing me."
  • Me, singing while driving. Mary (5 at the time): "Can you turn on music?" Nora (2 at the time): "We don't like your singing."
  • Nora (then 3): "I want apple juice!" Me: "I want peace on earth!" Nora: "I want apple juice!" Me: "I want a million dollars!" Nora: "May I have apple juice, please?" Me: "Yes."
  • The whole family is in church on Christmas Eve; the choir finishes a hymn. When the whole church is silent for a brief moment, Nora (1 at the time) shouts, “HO! HO! HO!"
  • Be a Part of Our Story

    Join our continuously growing community of dads, families and industry experts. We’ll provide education, anecdotes and advice for wherever you might be in your journey to fatherhood. Sign up to our newsletter:

    Sign up to our newsletter