For weeks now, our three-and-a-half year old twin daughters and almost five-year-old boy have been watching “Frozen” at home. The girls imagine they’re Elsa and Anna, the heroines of the story, and reenact scenes. Our son Levi quotes Olaf, the talking snowman and sidekick. When they start singing “Let it go, let it go-o-o-o-o!, ” we happily chime in.
Brian and I love Disney movies, especially the ones with stars we know from Broadway. Lucky for us, “Frozen” is teeming with them. Elsa the ice queen is voiced by Idina Menzel, whom years ago we saw twice, in “Rent” and “Wicked”; twice we admired Jonathan Groff, who in “Frozen” gives voice to mountain man Kristoff, in one musical, “Spring Awakening”; and we watched Josh Gad, Olaf’s voice, bring down the house as Elder Cunningham in “The Book of Mormon”.
An uplifting children’s story about sisterly love, in which faith in a goal larger than oneself prevails. Right?
Not so fast. It’s all about lesbians, accepting gay marriage, turning kids to witchcraft, and promoting bestiality.
I’m so grateful to the many bloggers, pundits and talk-radio hosts for explaining the movie’s real themes and meanings to me, because it is clear that in that department I need all the help I can get. Let me scoot over so we can share this bumpy ride.
Ladies first. Elsa, one of the two sisters, has been born with the power to whip up a snowstorm; her parents tell her to conceal it. Because of that power she’s different and that makes her not a “good girl,” she herself says more than once. I’m sure you agree: textbook example of coded lesbian urges. While belting out the power ballad “Let It Go,” Elsa finally comes out of the closet. How did I miss that?
Next, gay marriage. Anna, during a search for her sister, ends up at something called the Oaken Trading Post and Sauna. At one point during their encounter, the owner points out the sauna to Anna, saying “Hi, family!” Through the sauna window we see a man, a woman and three children. We are obviously looking at the sauna owner’s homosexual husband and their four kids. (The fully-formed woman, rather than being the wife, must be an adult daughter from a previous marriage of one of the homosexual fathers. )
Elsa’s cryogenic powers? That’s black magic, and it’s turning kids to witchcraft in droves.
What, a Disney movie with a bestiality theme? Sadly, yes. The burly and likeable Kristoff bunks with his best buddy, likeable reindeer Sven. If that’s not pushing the bestiality agenda, I don’t know what is.
You know what? I’m nothing if not a quick learner. I think I can do this myself now! All you really need is some overzealous myopia, an overactive imagination, and — voila! — there’s your movie review. What if nobody seems to share your opinion? You must be really smart then, being able to see what nobody saw. What if the movie itself doesn’t support your outré theories? That's the devil trying to pull the wool over your eyes. One last thing: in order to form your own opinions, you may want to go see the movie, but it’s certainly not a requirement. Not for some of the reviewers, anyway.
O.K., here we go. Caveat lector. Sensitive readers may want to avert their eyes. Mature themes, viewer discretion, and all that jazz. But for those with a steely determination to see the light, I will continue. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.
Let’s turn our attention to Olaf. He likes warm hugs. How adorable is that? Not so adorable, as it turns out. More like abominable. His name should have given me a clue a long time ago, but it didn’t until now. Olaf! It’s an anagram, that diabolical ploy, for “falo”. Yes, you read that right, phallus!
The movie wastes no time to hammer that home. In his very first seconds Olaf refers, in a crude way, to the primary function of the flaccid membrum virile, urinary excretion. “No, not yellow. Yellow and snow?”
At that point, he is still without a nose. When moments later Anna gives him a carrot to serve as his proboscis, he says it’s “like a little baby unicorn” and starts fondling it. I'm sure you’re seeing it now as well. Ann is not just giving Olaf a nose. It's much more than that. It’s an act of reverse castration, of phallopoeia, phallus-making, if you will.
In violently sexual imagery (Anna pushes the carrot through Olaf’s head), the brightly-colored appendage grows to become an engorged version of its former self, much to Olaf’s pleasure.
Aha, now his outsize carrot suddenly makes sense! He’s on a mission “to bring back summer,” not-so-crypto-speak for his desire to engage in (hot) activities of the carnal kind.
Oh, and speaking of carrots: they play a big role in the unnatural relationship between Kristoff the ice monger and his reindeer Sven. Several times in the movie the two lovebirds enjoy a “carrot” together. Orally.
When summer is mentioned, Olaf breaks out in a song-and-dance routine, a fantasy that serves to highlight his prowess in amatory matters. “Winter’s a good time to stay in and cuddle,” he croons, attempting to acquire some bona fides as a sensitive guy. The mask comes off in his next line, “But put me in summer and I’ll be a happy snowman!” He doesn’t actually finish that thought until a few frames later, but, as we notice his satisfied facial expression and the sticky liquid at the summit of his hot experience, we already know what has happened. I bet that right now he'd just love a cigarette.