Up to this point, I’ve done a pretty damn good job of saving face. Perhaps New England is finally starting to wear off on me, and my ability to mask problems is growing. I’m not sure if that’s positive or negative, but I know that right now I’m hurting. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, but it’s the first time I’m sharing it. Divorce ultimately sucks, as you may have already imagined. It undermines everything you have worked hard at, and causes you to question your entire life and the choices you’ve made. I’ve decided to make a list of all the things I miss, and then come up with a short-term plan to remedy them.
(A few) things I miss:
And the list could go on, but I don’t want to depress anyone (more). The truth of the matter is that I feel like I’m lost in a sea of endless lonely nights. They are all exactly the same as the next, and I have nothing to differentiate them. Groundhog nights. Even if I mix it up and get out on the weekend, that experience is the same. I’m stuck in a rut – a cycle – and trying desperately to break it. The highlight of my life is obviously my son, but the truth is that I see him post-school, so he is usually sleepy and we have to focus on homework. The best is when I have him on a Saturday, or a holiday, and can be in his presence all day long. Those days are easily the least lonely out of all.
Of course I have tried dating, but I am on the mend, and unless my dream guy comes along at any second, it’s probably not the best timing. I’m not opposed to that, by all means, but I feel I need to work on myself a bit more before entering into anything serious. I have to get myself back to square one – remember the things that made me me, and nurture them. Now is the time when I get to do all of my favorite things and give myself a new purpose to wake up in the morning.
Speaking of mornings – I avoid them. I used to have a wonderful routine, but since I’ve been a bachelor, it’s all but gone. Obviously I wake up to take my kiddo to school, but after that I usually fall back into bed until I have to get up. Essentially, I’m sleeping through as much of this time period as possible. As a result though, my eyes have never looked better! Emotionally I feel somewhat useless, so I’m following my new plan to get my sh*t back on track.
First of all, I’m remembering all the things that I loved, as in just me. A friend told me to treat myself like I would a new boyfriend, so I’m spoiling myself in many different ways. To me this will mean hiring a trainer at the gym, spending more time on social media, and watching whatever I want on TV. And on the weekends? Time to step up my partying. Now is the time that I truly can and should focus on me, and I will be doing exactly that.
My jobs are currently writing and parenting, which are time consuming, but manageable. I feel as though I have enough free time to do something monumental, such as writing a book or even create a line of diaper bags that people actually want. I’m going to start filling my empty days with projects, lots of them. I also have a boatload of things I can sell on eBay – stuff that used to have value to me, but does not anymore. Essentially, I need to start rolling in the dough to feel better about myself.
And finally, I’m looking into companionship in various ways. My cat is not exactly sweet or affectionate, so I’m considering buying a dog – a pug to be exact – to be my loyal pal. I’ve always had cats, and never had my own dog, so the timing is probably perfect. Not to mention, my little man would absolutely love a new pet, and I think it would breathe some new life into our situation. If any of you have any thoughts on this idea, please comment below!
I’m going to make it. This is a phase. I had to write about it to get it out. In reality, I think I will end up with my dream man someday, and will reflect on these lonely nights with new wisdom. But it is time for me to draw strength from a place where there is none, and make myself the best version of me I can possibly make. It’s spring, and I need to spring-clean my life, and hopefully by summer I’ll be version Frank 2.0.
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