Dear Frank: How Do I Talk to Guys?

Let ’s Be Frank: The Diary of a Divorced Gay Dad

Something I rarely talk about is what my social media presence has spawned. My goal was to make gay parenting visible through humor, and I succeeded in doing that. As a result, I am frequently asked for advice, and I absolutely love giving it. I have never claimed to be a doctor or a shrink or anything of that nature, but I was in a healthy monogamous gay relationship for 17 years, so my perspective is unique. Since my marriage has ended, I have been thrust back into the gay dating world, and like everything else I face, I came in raging. Last week, someone asked me the following advice via Snapchat, and I feel this is a perfect question to answer publicly, as a lot of single gay men face the same quandaries.

First off, don’t apologize – you’re not lame, we’re the same. We’re all in the same boat here – all trying to figure out the nonsense that is the gay dating world. I feel you 100%. To answer your first question – let’s say you’re out at a club. You’ve already surpassed the anonymity of online cruising, so you have to be willing to do it in person. Thankfully, I come from an era when dating apps didn’t exist, so I had to do everything in person. Here’s what you want to do:

  • Keep your “target” within eye’s reach at all points in time. This does not mean stalking him. This means that you are just sitting there, cute as a button, and fully aware of where he is in relation to you.
  • Try to obtain every bit of information possible just from observation. Look at what he is wearing, look at who he is with, look at his mannerisms, etc. It will help you later when/if you decide to approach him. AGAIN – DO NOT LOOK LIKE A STALKER. Keep your cool.
  • Eye contact is everything. Do it first. Lock eyes with him and see what happens. You’ll know it if he’s into you, because he will either return the gaze or quickly look away. If there is any prolonged eye contact whatsoever, it’s a positive.
  • Take it from there. Once you think you are in flirt mode, go up to him and talk. Use the things you’ve observed to make the conversation easy. For instance, if he’s drinking a vodka and cranberry, ask him what his favorite vodka is. If he is in a group with all girls, ask him how they know each other. Talk about him. Ask questions. Guys love to talk about themselves.
  • That should get your foot in the door. If it doesn’t, then move the hell on to the next guy!

    You mentioned you recently got “screwed over,” and I hate to say this, but anytime people break up there is “screwing over” happening. You have the right mindset in getting back out there again, because the chances are high you won’t meet someone exactly like your ex (which is GOOD).

    Your next question was how to talk to guys in general, and I can tell you – it’s an art form. I made every mistake in the book once I got divorced, but instead of having regret about them, I learned. It also depends on the guy himself – and his age. Talking to someone who is 20 is completely different than talking to someone who is 30 or 40. The best way to talk to a guy you like is to be yourself. Don’t play games – or rather, get sucked into playing games, because that is child’s play. Start with texting – that’s the best way to casually get to know someone. Keep your texts short and succinct – try not to ramble on about yourself – ask him questions. The key is to keep him engaged without seeming desperate. It’s a delicate balance, but with practice you’ll figure it out.

    Hopefully after that goes well, you can suggest meeting, or if that’s too much try calling him on the phone (people never talk on the phone anymore so it’s cute). FaceTime is great too – especially if he is a distance away from you. Confidence is key in the dating world – you don’t have to be perfect, or even close, but be happy with how you are and you will eventually attract your match, or 100 matches. Be the person that you want to date, and then the guys will come running

    Best of luck to you, and please report back! It’s a glitter jungle out there.

    You can see more of Frank Lowe at:

    YouTube: www.youtube.com/gayathomedad

    Twitter: @GayAtHomeDad

    Instagram: gayathomedad

    Facebook: www.facebook.com/gayathomedad

    Snapchat: shhhhhhiknow

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