Gay Dad Life

A Single Gay Dad Finds Family in the Foster Care System

After many setbacks in his quest to become a dad, Andrew Gubany finally formed his family through the foster care system

Andrew Gubany lives in La Habra, California with his daughter and son, Dianna and Owen. He works as the National Sales Director for a Logistics Company by day, and is a spin instructor by night. We caught up with Andrew to see how life as a single gay dad via the foster care system is treating him.


Tell us about your path to parenthood.

I became a dad through foster-adopt. I had always known I wanted my adoption to mean something specific. I chose the path of foster care because I wanted to help children. If my "help" ended up leading to the adoption of a child, than I knew it was destiny.

What obstacles did you face on your path to fatherhood?

Wow, where do I begin. I was 33 and single when I started my first adoption. My vision of what I thought it would be like to be a father was very different. I wasn't prepared for the judgement towards gay parents. You're instantly labeled. Well, being a "single gay father" was a hard label for me. I just wanted to be "dad." My children were the only kids in their entire school with a gay parent. I worried my children would not be looked at the same as the other kids. By first grade, my daughter was made fun of for not having a mother. I wasn't prepared for that---it prompted conversations I thought were far in the future. I got through it by explaining the love and purpose of adoption. Every dream I've ever had, every path I've ever chosen, has been for my children. They were no accidents. It was God's plan that they be my children. Their mother's love sent her into my arms. It has become a beautiful story in our family.

Was there ever a moment that you experienced any serious doubts about your path to fatherhood or fatherhood itself?

Two months into the adoption of my first child my partner of five years decided he wasn't ready to be a father and left our family. I was devastated, lost and scared. I didn't want to do this on my own. The future seemed dark and lonely. With the level of depression I was at, I debated giving her back to social services for placement. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself and that this child needed me as badly as I needed her. We would survive this together. And we did. She was adopted one year after placement.

What have you learned about being a dad?

You just can't give up. You will want too. You will want to find an easy route. Love, however, takes time. And now I get to share my story with others. Everything I went through adopting as a single father has helped others. It's made my story mean something. The struggle wasn't for nothing---I made it. I'm a daddy, and always will be. I know I'll have more struggles in the future, and I still have fears of social injustices. But I teach my kids that no one can ever take away love.

What's your main goal as a parent?

I think your goals as a father change daily. We are always changing and looking for new opportunities to grow and take care of your family. My outlook has remained the same. To love and cherish every moment I have with my children and give them everything I and this world has to offer.

Fill out this short survey for an opportunity to be featured in an upcoming family profile!


Check-out these other amazing foster-to-adopt stories:

Adopting 10 Kids Through Foster Care

Alec Mapa & Jaime Hebert: Fame, Family & Foster Care

Finding Life: A Documentary About Building Family Through Foster Care

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That is a phrase I have continued to tell myself since entering the dating scene. I say it because it's true. You see, I was previously married to a woman for ten years. From that relationship came four wonderful children who are the lights and loves of our lives. Seven years into our marriage I made some hard decisions. The most monumental of them all was coming out to my wife. Everything about being gay and living a life of authenticity felt like a fantasy to me. I didn't know what to expect, what to believe, or where to begin. I just knew I wasn't straight and living in that closeted space was destroying my life.

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Travis, 36, and Jay, 29, met nine years ago in a gay bar in Riverside, California. Both work in the medical device industry and in June 2018, they were married in front of friends and family, and their 19-day-old son through foster care.

To say June 2018 was a big month for Travis and Jay would be an understatement. They became first-time dads to four-day-old Kathan, and solidified their union with marriage. When the wedding part was over, the new dads were able to focus all their attention on their new family. It had been almost 18 months since they began the process of becoming foster parents till they were matched, and while they were waiting, they began to get anxious.

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Fear is an interesting thing. It motivates when it shouldn't, shows at inconvenient times, and is the author of stories that do nothing but hold us back. I would argue though, too, that fear has some good qualities. I believe it helps us to feel. And I think it can be a great teacher as we learn to recognize and face it.

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Only so much growth and learning can occur when we limit ourselves to our fears. If people never did anything they were afraid to do, life would be incredibly boring and far too predictable. At some point we must face the things we fear and just go for it not knowing what will happen next.

After finally coming out to my ex-wife after ten years of marriage (see previous articles for that story), and eventually telling my family I knew there was one more step I needed to make.

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Even though there was so much good that I had built into my brand and reputation fear eventually found its way into my business too. I was afraid of what would happen if people found out the truth. Would they be okay with having a gay chiropractor? Would they still trust me to be able to help them? Of course, the story in my head I was telling myself was much bigger and badder than it needed to be.

When we decided to get a divorce, I felt strongly that I needed to face these fears and begin telling a number of patients the truth of what was happening in my life. I know in reality it is no one's business but my own. However, I felt like I needed to let my patients who had become like family to me truly see me for who I am, and who I always was. And so slowly, case by case, I began to tell a select number of people.

I'll never forget the first patient I told. She had been coming in for years and was bringing her son in to see me who is on the autism spectrum. It was the day after my ex-wife and I decided to get a divorce and she could tell something heavy was on my mind. I eventually came out to her. The first words out of her mouth were "I am so proud of you!" We cried and hugged and it was the complete opposite of what I ever expected. And it was perfect. I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt seen.

As time went on it got easier. And overall the responses were all completely positive and supportive. Out of all the patients I told and those who found out from other circles, only three stopped coming in to see me. Since coming out, my office has grown tremendously. My reputation hasn't changed. If anything, it's solidified. I can't help but think that part of that is due to finally embracing all of me and allowing others the same opportunity.

I read somewhere once that you never really stop coming out of the closet. And I've noticed that too. Sure, not everyone needs to know; it isn't everyone's business. And I hope that one day we live in a time period where fear doesn't prevent anyone from being seen. I want to contribute to the upward trajectory I think our society is headed of understanding, acceptance, support, and equality.

I would love to be able to say that after coming out publicly I no longer feel fear; but I do. And I think in some ways I always will no matter what. But that's part of life, right? Recognizing fear when we have it but then choosing to move forward out of love – love for others, but maybe more importantly love for ourselves.

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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