Gay Dad Life

Questions Every Gay Man Should Discuss With His Doctor

Doctors always ask you personal questions, but how much do you actually know about your doctor? How can you make sure he or she is the right fit for you? If your doctor can't relate to you, you might not be getting the best care you possibly can.


Bespoke Surgical recently ran a study on sexual education and comfort discussing sexual health with physicians. It covered both men and women who identified as homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. What we found was that respondents who identified as bisexual or homosexual were 20%-30% more likely than those who identified as heterosexual to rate the importance of having a physician with the same sexual identity as 9/10 or 10/10 (translating to "very important"). Why do you think this is? We believe it is due to the benefits of mutual understanding. If your doctor has a deep understanding of your sexual habits and lifestyle, he or she can be better able to properly answer your questions, as well as ask you the right questions.

I think it's important for you to be able to ask your doctor (without fear of judgment):

  1. What medical training or cultural sensitivities do you harbor as a physician taking care of a gay male or female?
  2. How do you tailor your care to individualized homosexuality and, more importantly, a modern family and all of its dynamics?
  3. Based on the sexual activities I engage in, what should I be concerned with and what preventative measures should I be taking?
  4. What tests should I be getting if I'm a top, bottom, or versatile?

When it comes to questions your doctor should be asking you, here are my top questions:

  1. What type of relationship are you in (single, monogamous, open, or other) and how are you ensuring mental sanity in your relationship? If there are children in the equation, how has that affected your relationship?
  2. How do you engage sexually and what have you explored (S&M, fisting, watersports, etc.)? Do you douche? And if applicable, do you use condoms and/or are you on or do you know about PrEP, TaSP, and PEP?
  3. Is what you use for sexual pleasure functioning appropriately? Are you experiencing any pain during sexual activity? Are you always reaching climax? What about your partner—can you get them off?
  4. Are you happy with your current sexual practices? If there are activities you haven't yet explored, why is that?
  5. Do you both talk about issues surrounding your relationship—not just sexual ones?

The framework laid out above of a dialogue between you and your physician is of the utmost importance to our community. We have to take ownership of our actions, both positive and negative, and demand a higher standard of appropriate, affirmative, non-judgmental healthcare. Research into the mental and physical ramifications of homosexuality has only scratched the surface, and now that we are openly discussing these important issues, we cannot pioneer this field further without addressing our healthcare needs. I do believe that creating a culture of community—specifically on the medical/sexual front, where everyone has access to superlative "homocare"—will lead to a much-improved state of health. But this ideal takes two to tango—on one end, a patient who is in tune with his sexuality and overall well-being, and on the other end, a physician who is well-versed in all the sensitivities, nuances, and issues surrounding homosexuality. We at Bespoke Surgical are leading the charge in taking on the plight of substandard healthcare and are asking you to demand more from your physicians. This will allow a more fruitful sexual practice, along with improving one's relationship and overall happiness.

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Gay Dad Life

The Suburban Gay Dad

Are you intimidated by the suburbs? This gay dad was — but then he moved there.

In a recent article for Yahoo! Lifestyle, Steve Jacobs says the thought of living in the suburbs as a gay dad "intimidated" him. But when he started fantasizing about garages, he began to question that notion. Any apprehension he had soon evaporated, he said, one winter morning while trying to navigate the snowy streets of New York City with a stroller.

While "pushing the stroller through snow banks and pools of slush with snowflakes stinging our faces," he wrote, "a vision came to me: I pictured us walking into a garage, hopping into a car, and arriving at a diner with 10 times less drama. This image planted the seed of moving to the 'burbs that I couldn't shake."

Soon, the family of four found a house in a town a half hour outside the city. "It had grass and a beautiful yard for our spirited kiddos. The schools were good. There were even good restaurants. The only red flag: Census data estimated only 0.1 percent of the population was gay male."

There were some "growing pains" while trying to make friends in this environment. "When we attended our first dinner party, within minutes the hostess went to the kitchen and the other wives followed her, while the husbands settled into the living room. Ira and I froze, looking at each other. In the city, our straight friends hadn't separated out like this for the evening. Should we stay with the dudes, exert our masculinity, and blow off the mom we liked? Or does one of us go with the wives and accept the personal branding that comes with that? We did a quick rock paper scissors in the foyer. Ira went with the wives."

But ultimately, "being a parent defined me more than I ever imagined it would," he wrote, and he settled in nicely to his new suburban life.

Have you had a similar adjustment, from city life to the suburbs? Tell us about it at dads@gayswithkids.com for an upcoming piece!

Gay Dad Life

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Tracey Wimperly, author of the new children's book, said she hopes to give a more honest portrayal of the role grandparents play in the lives of children.

Guest post Tracey Wimperly

I've recently written a children's picture book (aimed at 2-4 year olds) called "Fridays with Fitz: Fitz Goes to the Pool." Every Friday - when his two dads go to work - Fitz and his grandparents (my husband, Steve and I) head off on an adventure. Through the eyes of a curious and energetic 3 year old, even ordinary adventures, like riding the bus or foraging for fungus in the forest can be fun and magical.

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And if you're a gay couple, it can have it's own set of problems above and beyond the standard work-life issues that people face. Recently, the Harvard Business Review conducted a study that focused specifically on the experiences of same-sex couples who wanted to make moves towards a work/life balance.

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On Tuesday October 22, Dove Men+Care and PL+US (Paid Leave for the United States) led the Dads' Day of Action on Capitol Hill. A group of over 40 dads and "dadvocates" from across the states lobbied key member of Congress on the issue of paid paternity leave for *ALL* dads. They shared stories of their struggles to take time off when welcoming new family members and the challenges dads face with no paid paternity leave.

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Don your checked shirt, grab them apples, and shine those smiles while perched on pumpkins — it's the annual fall family photo op! A trip to the pumpkin patch and / or apple orchard is a staple family fall outing, and we're here for it. 🎃🍎🍂👨👨👧👦

Thanks to these dads who shared their pics with us! Share your own to dads@gayswithkids.com and we'll add them to this post!

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David and Ben Met on the Dance Floor — and Are Now Grooving Their Way Through Fatherhood

David and Ben, who became fathers with the help of Northwest Surrogacy Center, live in Melbourne with their daughter, Maia.

In 2003, while both studying at Reading University in the UK, Ben Suter and David Cocks met after locking eyes on the dance floor and then being introduced by a mutual friend. Ben, a meteorologist and Operations Manager, and David, an Assistant Principal, have been together ever since. They moved to Australia together in 2010, seeking a different life, and an overall better work-life balance. The chose Cairns in Queensland as their new home, between the Great Barrier Reef and the tropical rainforest, "taking life a bit easier," said David. The couple were also married in June 2016, back home in England.

While David always wanted kids, Ben took a little convincing. So they started their parenting journey with a dog, Titan, who quickly became like their first born. From there, Ben came around rather quickly.

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When Kyle decided to take his four kids, ages 6-11, to New York City on vacation, his friends thought he was crazy.

"You're crazy, Kyle."

"You can't be serious? A single dad taking four kids to the Big Apple? Think again."

"That's bold. There's no way I'd do that."

Those were a few of the responses I heard from my friends as I told them I was thinking of booking a trip to New York City with four kids, ages 11-6. My children's fall vacation from school was approaching and I wanted to get out of the house and explore. Was the Big Apple too much of an adventure?

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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