Become a Gay Dad

Paths to Gay Fatherhood: The Known Donor Dad

The Known Donor Dad


And now, for my own category! As I wrote about last June, I recently made the decision to become a known sperm donor for my good friends, Tori and Kelly. In that article, I detailed my frustrations over the lack of resources available to those thinking about becoming a sperm donor, even though this, too, is becoming increasingly popular among gay and bisexual men.

But once again, in place of research, Gays With Kids has brought you anecdotes of men who have become known donors. In “The Known Sperm Donor,” for example, I brought you the stories of three different men, each of whom decided to serve as a donor for a lesbian couple. If anything became clear to me in the interviews I conducted for that article, it’s that there is no cookie-cutter pattern or instruction manual for men who decide to become known donors.

Corey Harris with his daughter and her moms Colleen and Nicole

Some men, like David Brown, would bristle at the thought of being called a “donor” at all. His relationship with Kelly and Karen, the women he helped conceive, more closely resembles a co-parenting arrangement. His kids call him Dad; he even bought a house next door to Kelly and Karen to help him play a more active parenting role. On the other end of the spectrum is Jeff, who is known as an uncle to the children he helped his friends conceive, and who lives in a completely separate state.

Then there are donor dads like Corey Harris, who is somewhere in the middle of these two ends of the spectrum, and who I caught up with recently to ask his advice to anyone considering becoming a known donor for a friend or couple.

“Use your guts,” Corey said by way of advice. “If you feel good about the people raising the baby, and you have come up with terms that are acceptable to you, go for it. [The moms] Colleen and Nicole have been so awesome. When decisions come, we sit down and talk about it. At the end of the day, they are the moms, and I don’t have the ability to overrule them. But it’s so nice to be included.”

Corey also suggests you spend time figuring out what you want out of the relationship. “It’s a lifetime commitment,” Corey said, “So make sure you’re standing up for yourself, and deciding what it is you really want.”

David Brown (with red baseball cap) and his partner with David’s three kids and their two moms Karen and Kelly

To this, I’ll add my own advice: Regardless of whether or not you expect to play an active role in the child’s life, be prepared to fall in love. I was never much of a “baby person” before the birth of my daughter. And truth be told, I’m still not. But I’m obsessed with my babygirl in a way I couldn’t have anticipated, and am grateful to her moms that they encourage my involvement rather than feel threatened by it.

You probably won’t be surprised to find that there is surprisingly little out there by way of resources for gay and bisexual men thinking of becoming known sperm donors. So my next piece of advice is probably the most important: Find others who have already gone through the process. Being a known donor comes with a specific set of questions and concerns, and despite my friend’s and family’s most patient attempts to listen to me as I go about processing these questions, there really is nothing better than talking with someone who has already gone through the experience.

Other than that? Follow along at home as I continue to document the stories of other known donors for Gays With Kids.

More Paths to Gay Fatherhood.

Show Comments ()
Surrogacy for Gay Men

Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

Keep reading... Show less
Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
Keep reading... Show less
Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

Keep reading... Show less
Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse