Become a Gay Dad

Gay Foster Dad: Paths to Fatherhood for Gay Men

Little research exists on LGBT foster parents. (Anyone beginning to sense a theme here?) So what do we know of GBT dads who become foster parents? According to Dr. Gates of the Williams Institute, of the 8 percent of same-sex male couples are raising children under 18 years old, “1 percent identified at least one of their children as a foster child." In raw numbers, this means that approximately 2,600 same-sex couples are raising an estimated 3,400 foster children in the US.


Similar to adoption, same-sex couples are much more likely to be raising foster children than are their heterosexual counterparts. According to the Williams Institute, in fact, same-sex couples are six times more likely than their different-sex counterparts to be raising foster children.

GBT individuals often face additional challenges when deciding to become foster parents that their heterosexual and cisgender (meaning "not transgender") brethren do not. The legal context for LGBT foster parents is often unclear, for instance. According to the Family Equality Council, seven states in the country have passed laws that specifically restrict discrimination against LGBT people seeking to become foster parents. The law is ambiguous in most other states.

According to the ACLU, an estimated 500,000 children were in foster care in 2014 around the country, and 100,000 of these children needed to be adopted full time. However, only 20,000 adoptive parents were available last year for these children. Given these statistics, it is ridiculous to think that some states make the process of becoming a foster parent difficult for deserving LGBT people like Edward Peddell, who we first introduced Gays With Kids readers to in a Family Spotlight this past April.

Ed Peddell with his children

“I felt as if something was missing in my life!" Ed told me, when I asked him what made him decide to become a foster parent. “I have always been a humanitarian and reached out to help those less fortunate. As an educator I saw the need for people to step up and assist children in need. They enter the system through no fault of their own. Parents have made poor choices and decisions; thus, the children are removed for their own protection. We take them in, love them, provide for them and build a support team around them until they are reunified with their biological parents."

Raymond and Daniel Trumble-Stazzone, who we introduced you to in an article last December, also said that fostering children is a rich and rewarding, albeit it challenging, experience. “Being a foster parent can be the most rewarding and difficult experience of your life," Raymond wrote to me via email. “Children in foster care have typically experienced more trauma in their lives at such and young and fragile age than most adults will ever go through. Working with these children and helping them through their specific needs can be very challenging."

Daniel and Raymond Trumble-Stazzone with their kids Cody and Jacob

Raymond and Daniel planned to foster children they hoped to ultimately adopt one day, and cautioned other GBT men to not feel bad about setting this type of parameters while working with foster and adoption agencies. You might have a preference for single child versus a sibling group, he said, for example, or might also want to only work with foster children who are eligible for adoption.

Raymond and Daniel with Jacob and Cody

What advice does Ed have for someone thinking of this route to parenthood? “Be sure that you are willing to give 100 percent. Being a parent is a full-time job! You should be your child's biggest advocate and love them unconditionally. Your life as you know it will change, so be sure this is what you desire and most of all be prepared for anything."

If you are considering becoming a foster parent, be sure to research the laws in your state through organizations like the Family Equality Council, and check out the resources available by groups like the Humans Rights Campaign. Gays With Kids writers have also brought readers several fascinating stories on the subject, so be sure to check those out here.

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Surrogacy for Gay Men

Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

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Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
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Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."

What to Buy

Shop with a Purpose with Our 2019 Holiday Gift Guide

Want to find amazing gift ideas while *also* supporting LGBTQ-owned and allied businesses? Look no further than our 2019 holiday gift guide!

'Tis the season to show loved ones you care. And what better way to show you care, by also supported our LGBTQ+ community and allies whilst doing it! Shop (LGBTQ+) smart with these great suggestions below.

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Diary of a Newly Out Gay Dad

A Newly Out Gay Dad Feels 'Demoted' After Divorce

Cameron Call showed up to his first family Thanksgiving since coming out and getting a divorce — and struggles to find himself "stuck with the singles."

Cameron Call, who came out in summer 2019, has generously agreed to chronicle his coming out journey for Gays With Kids over the next several months — the highs, lows and everything in between. Read his first article here.

Denial is an interesting thing. It's easy to think you're potentially above it, avoiding it, assume it doesn't apply to you because you'd NEVER do that, or maybe you're just simply avoiding it altogether. After finally coming out, I liked to think that I was done denying anything from now on. But unfortunately that's not the case.

And this fact became very clear to me over Thanksgiving.

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Resources

New Report Details the 'Price of Parenthood' for LGBTQ People

A new report by the Family Equality Council takes a deep dive into the current state of cost for becoming a parent as an LGBTQ person

Parenthood is expensive. But parenthood while queer is still prohibitively costly for so many segments of the LGBTQ community interested in pursuing a family, according to a new repot by the Family Equality Council, titled, "Building LGBTQ+ Families: The Price of Parenthood."

Among the more interesting findings was this one: the cost of family planning is relatively similar for all LGBTQ people, regardless of income level. This shows "that the desire to have children exists regardless of financial security," the report's authors conclude.

Research for the report was conducted through an online survey of 500 LGBTQ adults over the age of 18, and was conducted between July 11-18, 2018. For comparison, the survey also included 1,004 adults who did not identify as LGBTQ.

Other interesting findings of the report include:

  • 29% of all LGBTQ+ respondents reported an annual household income under $25,000 compared to 22% of non-LGBTQ+ respondents.
  • 33% of black LGBTQ+ respondents, 32% of female-identified LGBTQ+ respondents, and 31% of trans/gender non-conforming LGBTQ+ respondents reported annual household incomes below $25,000.
  • Respondents for this survey were selected from among those who have volunteered to participate in online surveys and polls. All sample surveys and polls may be subject to multiple sources of error, including, but not limited to sampling error, coverage error, error associated with nonresponse, and error associated with question-wording and response options.29% of all LGBTQ+ respondents reported an annual household income under $25,000 compared to 22% of non-LGBTQ+ respondents.
  • 33% of black LGBTQ+ respondents, 32% of female-identified LGBTQ+ respondents, and 31% of trans/gender non-conforming LGBTQ+ respondents reported annual household incomes below $25,000.
  • Regardless of annual household income, 45-53% of LGBTQ+ millennials are planning to become parents for the first time or add another child to their family. Those making less than $25,000 a year are considering becoming parents at very similar rates as those making over $100,000.
  • Data from the Family Building Survey reveals that LGBTQ+ households making over $100,000 annually are considering the full range of paths to parenthood, from surrogacy and private adoption to foster care and IVF. The most popular options under consideration in this income bracket are private adoption (74% are considering), foster care (42%), and IVF or reciprocal IVF (21%). At the other end of the economic spectrum, for LGBTQ+ individuals in households making less than $25,000 annually, the most commonly considered paths to parenthood are intercourse (35% are considering), foster care (30%), and adoption (23%).

What to Buy

A Gift Guide for LGBTQ Inclusive Children's Books

Need some ideas for good LGBTQ-inclusive children's books? Look no further than our gift guide!

Every year we see more books released that feature our families, and we're here for it! We're especially excited for the day when diverse and LGBTQ+ inclusive books are less of "the odd one out" and rather considered part of every kids' everyday literacy.

To help us reach that day, we need to keep supporting our community and allies who write these stories. So here's a list of some of the great books that need to be in your library, and gifts to the other kids in your lives.

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