Become a Gay Dad

Gay Foster Dad: Paths to Fatherhood for Gay Men

Little research exists on LGBT foster parents. (Anyone beginning to sense a theme here?) So what do we know of GBT dads who become foster parents? According to Dr. Gates of the Williams Institute, of the 8 percent of same-sex male couples are raising children under 18 years old, “1 percent identified at least one of their children as a foster child." In raw numbers, this means that approximately 2,600 same-sex couples are raising an estimated 3,400 foster children in the US.


Similar to adoption, same-sex couples are much more likely to be raising foster children than are their heterosexual counterparts. According to the Williams Institute, in fact, same-sex couples are six times more likely than their different-sex counterparts to be raising foster children.

GBT individuals often face additional challenges when deciding to become foster parents that their heterosexual and cisgender (meaning "not transgender") brethren do not. The legal context for LGBT foster parents is often unclear, for instance. According to the Family Equality Council, seven states in the country have passed laws that specifically restrict discrimination against LGBT people seeking to become foster parents. The law is ambiguous in most other states.

According to the ACLU, an estimated 500,000 children were in foster care in 2014 around the country, and 100,000 of these children needed to be adopted full time. However, only 20,000 adoptive parents were available last year for these children. Given these statistics, it is ridiculous to think that some states make the process of becoming a foster parent difficult for deserving LGBT people like Edward Peddell, who we first introduced Gays With Kids readers to in a Family Spotlight this past April.

Ed Peddell with his children

“I felt as if something was missing in my life!" Ed told me, when I asked him what made him decide to become a foster parent. “I have always been a humanitarian and reached out to help those less fortunate. As an educator I saw the need for people to step up and assist children in need. They enter the system through no fault of their own. Parents have made poor choices and decisions; thus, the children are removed for their own protection. We take them in, love them, provide for them and build a support team around them until they are reunified with their biological parents."

Raymond and Daniel Trumble-Stazzone, who we introduced you to in an article last December, also said that fostering children is a rich and rewarding, albeit it challenging, experience. “Being a foster parent can be the most rewarding and difficult experience of your life," Raymond wrote to me via email. “Children in foster care have typically experienced more trauma in their lives at such and young and fragile age than most adults will ever go through. Working with these children and helping them through their specific needs can be very challenging."

Daniel and Raymond Trumble-Stazzone with their kids Cody and Jacob

Raymond and Daniel planned to foster children they hoped to ultimately adopt one day, and cautioned other GBT men to not feel bad about setting this type of parameters while working with foster and adoption agencies. You might have a preference for single child versus a sibling group, he said, for example, or might also want to only work with foster children who are eligible for adoption.

Raymond and Daniel with Jacob and Cody

What advice does Ed have for someone thinking of this route to parenthood? “Be sure that you are willing to give 100 percent. Being a parent is a full-time job! You should be your child's biggest advocate and love them unconditionally. Your life as you know it will change, so be sure this is what you desire and most of all be prepared for anything."

If you are considering becoming a foster parent, be sure to research the laws in your state through organizations like the Family Equality Council, and check out the resources available by groups like the Humans Rights Campaign. Gays With Kids writers have also brought readers several fascinating stories on the subject, so be sure to check those out here.

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Surrogacy for Gay Men

Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

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Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
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Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."

Politics

Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."


Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

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Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

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Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

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