Become a Gay Dad

Paths to Gay Fatherhood: Introduction

Sometime in June, I stumbled across a news article with the title, "Scott Signs Controversial Adoption Bill," in reference to Florida Governor Rick Scott.

Never one to pass on a good political controversy, I opened the link. What made this bill about adoption so controversial? Did it prohibit people who wear white socks with sandals from becoming parents? Because I think I could actually get behind that. Or maybe it was one of those bills that outlawed people from adopting exotic animals—the platypus, say, or a ferret.

The controversy, it turned out, was no less ridiculous than either of my wild suppositions. The bill Governor Scott signed repealed Florida's ban on gay adoption, a move that was completely symbolic since the 3rd District Court of Appeals invalidated the ban in 2010. But this didn't keep the bill's opponents in the Florida legislature from crying foul and nearly killing the measure, which also included increased support for government workers who adopt foster children. And it didn't stop social conservatives and news outlets from drudging up the age-old debate as to whether or not LGBT people make good parents.

I'm so sick of this question. And I'm guessing if you're reading an article on Gays With Kids, a site dedicated to celebrating gay, bisexual, and trans (GBT) fatherhood, that you're sick of it, too. Haven't we already proven ourselves, time again, not only through our lived experiences, but also in research?

I think we have, and it feels like we're stooping to “their" level when we're forced to participate in this so-called debate. So, for the sake of this article at least, how about we don't participate? Let's not mention, for example, that the largest peer reviewed study on the subject found zero differences in the wellbeing of children raised in same-sex versus opposite-sex headed households. Let's just skip right over those studies that show trans parents raise happy and healthy kids. And it would almost seem like petty gloating if I pointed out that the children of LGBT parents, if anything, have been found to be more emotionally stable and physically healthy than those raised by straight parents.

I'm just not going to mention any of that. Instead, we're going to skip right over this Debbie Downer of a debate as to whether or not we make good parents (because, again, according to at least a zillion studies, we unequivocally do) so we can ask some far more interesting and important questions that are asked far less frequently:

How many GBT parents are out there?

What routes do these dads take to become parents – surrogacy, adoption, foster care – and what do our parenting structures look like?

What does a GBT dad-to-be need to think about when considering each of these paths to parenthood?

Over the course of the last year, Gays with Kids has brought you the stories of GBT dads that have directly tackled each of these questions, and then some. We brought you the story of Kenny and Greg Este-Scarle, and their experiences raising three adopted boys in a small town in Altus, Oklahoma. We highlighted the experiences of two trans dads, Paul and Stephen, who each decided to conceive a child, biologically. And I wrote about my own journey to a papa-hood of sorts, after deciding to become a known sperm donor for my friends Tori and Kelly.

So today, on the occasion of Gays With Kids' 500th post, and to honor all of the dads we've featured on this site, I will explore some of the available research (spoiler alert: there isn't much) into the various routes GBT men take to fatherhood, and also take the opportunity to check back in with many of the GBT dads we've introduced you to over the last year.


Before we start exploring the various paths to parenthood that gay, bisexual, and trans dads take, let's start with the simplest of questions: How many of us are out there?

Unfortunately, as I found out after several frustrating hours Googling the subject, figuring out a fairly exact number of gay, bisexual and trans dads is easier said than done. But I'm going to give it my best shot, so stick with me a moment while I nerd out over some numbers. According to research conducted by Dr. Gary J. Gates, who is the Blachford-Cooper Distinguished Scholar and Research Director at the Williams Institute, 37 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals have been parents to at least one child in their lifetime. And, according to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, a similar percentage of transgender respondents – 38 percent – have likewise identified themselves as parents.

Dr. Gates estimates that around 3 million LGBT individuals have had a child, in one way or another, in their lifetime. To find this number, he looked at data from the Gallup Daily Tracking Poll Survey from 2012, which found that an estimated 3.5 percent of adults in the United States self-identified as LGBT. (The general population, as an interesting aside, greatly overestimates this number, assuming roughly 23 percent of Americans identify as LGBT.) He then applied this percentage to the estimated number of adults age 18 and older from the 2010 census—which comes to 235 million—which would imply that about 8.2 million people identify as LGBT in the United States. Looking at parenting figures from the GSS survey and the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, Dr. Gates then found that roughly 3 million LGBT individuals, or 1 percent of the country, have had a child, in one way or another, in their lifetime.

Really? Only 3 million LGBT parents in the country? Clearly, these researchers had never tried to navigate through the sea of same-sex parents in the West Village when school gets out. While my casual observations may not be the most scientific, Dr. Gates acknowledged when I posed a couple of question to him via email recently that this figure may not capture the entire population of LGBT parents. Many LGBT individuals, for instance, may not feel comfortable “outing" themselves to a random researcher conducting a survey with them over the phone (particularly since doing so would be grounds to legally fire someone in over half the country.)

Moreover, research has also shown that it can be difficult to measure sexual orientation and gender identity. There are some who might engage in same-sex behavior, and even be involved in same-sex relationships, but for any number of reasons – cultural norms or fear of discrimination, for instance – might not personally choose to identify as LGBT, and would therefore not disclose themselves as such to a researcher.

Still others, like foster parents and known sperm donors, may not choose to identify themselves as a parent when asked on a formal survey.

So, taking these exceptions into consideration, what do these surveys tell us?

“These surveys are clear that they are designed to capture the characteristics of those who are willing to identify as LGB or LGBT," Dr. Gates wrote me. “Given a high degree of consistency in point estimates and demographic characteristics across surveys, I'm confident that these represent a good picture of the visible LGBT community in the US. Some people who identify as LGBT may not be willing to tell a survey taker about their sexual or gender identity and, as such, these figures would not include them."

This, Dr. Gates stressed, doesn't mean that understanding the characteristics of visible LGBT people isn't important, or that they can't tell us something important about LGBT parents. “They are correct in as much as they capture visible LGBT people, which is the intent of the questions. It's impossible to assess the characteristics of those who opt not to identify themselves."

We've been in touch with many of these visible GBT dads over the last year, and have brought you their stories. So let's check back in with some of them now, while also taking a look at all the various ways GBT men become fathers.

More Paths to Gay Fatherhood.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

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Surrogacy for Gay Men

Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

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Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
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Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."


Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

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Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

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Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

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