Gay Dad Family Stories

Nuno Costa, Out Competitive CrossFit Athlete, Expecting a Baby

Nuno Costa, just one of a handful of competitive LGBTQ athletes within CrossFit, recently announced he's about to become a dad via surrogacy.

Nuno Costa, 41, is no stranger to facing his fears. For years, he struggled with an addiction to drugs and alcohol. He's been sober since 2007 and credits CrossFit — the "functional fitness" phenomenon — for helping give his life new purpose. As one of the only openly gay male CrossFit athletes competing in the top levels of the sport, Nuno has long been an inspiration to LGBTQ athletes. And he's also really good at it — Nuno is one of the few athletes who has competed in nine out of the 11 past CrossFit Games, as either an individual or team competitor, every year since they started in 2012.


In addition to his achievements as a competitor, Nuno also works as a CrossFit coach, travels the world teaching seminars, and runs a successful health and wellness business that helps people achieve their fitness goals with individualized planning devised in consultation with Nuno himself.

Despite surmounting great challenges to achieve this success, however, Nuno admits that there's another fear he's put off facing until more recently — fatherhood. "It's always been in the back of my mind," Nuno said. As a single man, he found himself quickly steering the conversation towards the topic of children while dating. "I wanted to know, are you interested in having kids?" Nuno laughed. "I don't want to waste my time!"

Nuno Costa, 41, at a baby shower thrown for him by his friends.

Eventually, Nuno realized that he didn't need that "perfect someone" to come along in order to start his family. "I got sick of waiting," he said. Though the prospect of becoming a dad on his own was intimidating, he realized he owed it to himself — and his clients — to move forward. "A big part of what I do as a coach is inspire people to redefine what's possible in their lives," Nuno said. "I have to practice what I preach."

Another fear holding him back was the finances involved with pursuing fatherhood solo. He was interested in surrogacy, but the price tag, which can stretch upwards of $150,000 for many gay men, was daunting. When his mother passed away several years ago, Nuno inherited a house in Portugal, where he is originally from. He used the money to buy a couple of properties in San Diego, California, where he now lives and works. Ultimately, these investments paid off, providing him with the money he'd need to cover a surrogacy journey.

In the summer of 2017, he signed with Surrogacy Alternatives, a local agency based in San Diego, to start the process — and with his baby due on February 15th, he hasn't looked back since. Over the last nine months, Nuno has kept the pregnancy close to his chest, telling only close friends and family. But this past month, he announced his news by way of an Instagram post to his broader community.

"I have always wanted a family and known I would do it some day. In my 20s when I was coming to terms with my sexuality, not knowing whether I could ever have my own 'family' was one of the hardest things for me to accept," he wrote. "Yes I am doing this as a single gay parent, but I know I have tons of support not only here in San Diego but from friends and family all over the world."

With his impending fatherhood, Nuno decided to take the year off from competing in CrossFit this year — one of the few years he will have sat out the Games since they began. He's also taken the time to repair an old injury in his shoulder, a tear in his labrum. Missing out on competition this year will be tough for the athlete, he admits. "I love competing," Nuno said. "It's what fuels me, and gives me purpose."

He said he is not retiring from competitive CrossFit, but whether or not he plans to compete in 2021 is still up in the air. Whether on the competition floor, in business, or as a new dad, however, you can expect to see Nuno chasing down his fears and living life to the fullest.

Nuno Costa Coaching (NCC) on Instagram: “Life as I know it is about to change real soon. I may seem confident here, but the reality is that I’m super nervous yet really excited.…”


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Surrogacy for Gay Men

Dads Talk About Surrogacy Process in New Video for Northwest Surrogacy Center

The Northwest Surrogacy Center interviewed some of their gay dad clients for a video to celebrate their 25th anniversary of creating families through surrogacy!

Last year, Northwest Surrogacy Center celebrated 25 years of helping parents realize their dreams. And they celebrated in style by inviting the families they've worked with over the past two and a half decades to join them!

At the party, they took the opportunity to film queer dads and dads-to-be, asking them a couple of questions: how did it feel holding your baby for the first time, and tell us about your relationship with your surrogate.

Watch the video below and get ready for the water works!

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Your Marriage Should Be Gayer, Says the New York Times

In an op-ed for the New York Times, Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage: a History," lists the many insights LGBTQ marriages can offer straight ones.

According to a fascinating op-ed in the New York Times this week by Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage: a History," turns out the people convinced marriage equality — legal across the United States for five years now — would usher in the complete breakdown of civil society should be more worried about the health of their own marriages.

In the article, Coontz details the results of research that followed 756 "midlife" straight marriages, and 378 gay marriages, and found same-sex couples reporting the lowest levels of physiological distress — with male gay couples reporting the lowest. The reason for this, the author said, is pretty simple — misogyny. The idea that men and women should strive for parity in a relationship is still a fairly new idea, Coontz said, and traditional gender roles are still pervasive. Gay couples, meanwhile, are free from such presumptions, which often results in happier, healthier relationships.

The most interesting findings in the research relate to parenting. While gender norms tend to be even more emphasized among straight people once they have children, with the bulk of the childrearing falling to mothers, same-sex couples — once again freed from the stereotypes of the male/female divide — parent more equitably. As the author notes, "A 2015 survey found that almost half of dual-earner, same-sex couples shared laundry duties, compared with just under a third of different-sex couples. And a whopping 74 percent of same-sex couples shared routine child care, compared with only 38 percent of straight couples."

When it comes to time spent with children, men in straight marriages spent the least amount of time and the lowest proportion of "nonwork" time, with their children — while men in same-sex marriages spent just as much time with their children as women in a straight relationship. "The result?" Coontz writes, "Children living with same-sex parents experienced, on average, three and a half hours of parenting time per day, compared with two and a half for children living with a heterosexual couple."

Straight fathers devote the least amount of time — about 55 minutes a day — on their children, which includes things like physical needs, reading, playing, and homework. Gay mothers spent an additional 18 minutes each and straight mothers an additional 23 minutes. Gay fathers spent the most time with their children, the study found, an average of an additional 28 minutes a day.

Taken together, straight couples spend an average of 2 hours and 14 minutes on their children. Lesbian moms spend an additional 13 minutes, while gay men spend 33 more minutes than straight couples.

One factor, the author notes, that can help explain this difference is this: gay parents rarely end up with an unintended or unwanted child, whereas a full 45% percent of pregnancies in straight relationships in 2011 (the last year data is available) were unintended, and 18% were unwanted.

But right. Gay people shouldn't be parents.

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It was a Friday morning as I walked towards the twins' bedroom door, and I caught the dreaded whiff. The unmistakable smell of fecal funk. My heart sank — I knew exactly what awaited me on the other side. As I cracked the door open, my assumptions were immediately confirmed. Our resident two-year-old "scat princess", a.k.a. Maren, had pried off her poopy diaper and painted her bedroom walls and doors in her own excrement for the third time in as many weeks. I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream or cry. Fortunately my dad superpowers immediately took over and I did neither. I simply gritted my teeth, smiled, threw open the door and uttered "good morning, girls!" I spent the next hour giving the toddlers, the walls and the doors a Silkwood scrub-down. Again.

Fast-forward twelve hours later. The kids were safely with their mom for the weekend, and I was out on a date with a handsome guy I met on Tinder. The trauma from earlier in the day a mere, faint memory. This was the strange dichotomy of my life as a single gay dad. Balancing dating in the midst of coming out later in life, never mind the whole parenting thing, is a struggle. And, one that nobody really talks about.

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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