My Big Gay Time Machine

Let's Be Frank: The Diary of a Divorced Gay Dad

Getting out of a 17-year monogamous homosexual relationship is like waking up from a deep coma. I am alive in an entirely different era than when I was last single in 1997. I have taken a big gay time machine to a new world – full of Grindr, Scruff, OKCupid, Tinder, Hornet, and Jack’d, to name a few. There is nomenclature that didn’t exist before I partnered up. When I was a twink, twinks were called “chickens,” and older gays were called “trolls” or “chicken-hawks.” The term “daddy” only referred to a sugar daddy, and not in a desirable way. At least I’m a “daddy” during a time when daddies are considered hot. That’s a trend I’m going to ride. Literally.

So there I was, several months into my separation from my ex-husband, and shopping at Bed Bath & Beyoncé in a highly emotional state. I wanted all new sheets for my brand-new mattress, so in a carefree fashion I threw heaps of them into my shopping cart. I chose black to symbolize the death of my marriage, because it was the most dramatic way to go. Weeks later, I realized that being newly single with black sheets was probably one of the worst ideas in gay history. No one needed a black light to observe how fun my weekend was – just a set of eyes. My friends always tell me they’re doing the “walk of shame,” but fortunately I only have to do the “wash of shame.”

Shame is something that is powerfully present in the gay community in 2015. People never used terms like “a sea of torsos” before smart phones came along and made our interactions a lot more stupid. We ascertain if we have chemistry with someone based off the same exact conversation, which goes like this:

Hey.

 hey bud.

 What’s up?

 nmu?

Bored. Horny lol.

same haha.

More pics?

sure, trade only.

The rest is determined by how well those pics are received – and heaven forbid he’s not photogenic, because then it’s “Bye Felicia.” HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT? I know I’m not the first to mention this insanity, but from my perspective it’s all new and I think it’s crap. I had to give myself a quick 101 on modern gay culture and figure out how to “brand myself.” That’s what it is. That’s what we’ve done to ourselves. We’ve fu*king branded ourselves.

Are you masc? A dom? A top? A power bottom? Not sure? Oh, well you better figure it out quickly, or you’ll be eaten alive like a small cow caught in a school of piranhas, or worse – be ignored and fade away into nothingness. Gay people have enough pressure to deal with from society itself, so why are we putting additional pressure on ourselves? We need to stop beating ourselves up. We need to stop fetishizing ourselves over and over and over again. We’re not characters – we’re people, and I want to date some of you!

At the very least, our most precious assets (our penises) should be kept a secret until you actually unearth them in person. But no, there are no such things as private parts for adults anymore. Part of me understands this need to see the D – I’m in no way a prude. But I can remember when it was a complete surprise, and sometimes it was better than Christmas Day. Now we have galleries of penises to show and compare with our friends. Even if you haven’t directly sent someone a pic of your D, if you have one out there, everyone’s seen it.

I’m not necessarily complaining. I’m just venting and adjusting, and having to do so quickly. I’m sure in a year I’ll revisit this article and think it sounds old-fashioned. By then I’ll be able to discuss what it’s like to date as an actual gay dad, which already horrifies me to no end. In the meantime, I’m putting my brand out there on display, just like everyone else, with a big sign under me that says “not looking.” And we all know what that means …

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Politics

Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."


Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

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Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

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Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

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Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

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Gay Dad Life

What's Life Like as a Single Gay Dad? These Guys Sound Off

We checked in with some of the single gay dads in our community to see what life is like while parenting solo

March 21st is Single Parents Day! To celebrate, we checked in with some single gay men in our community to sound off on what life is like while parenting solo — the good, the challening and everything in between.

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

How to Survive a Midlife Crisis (A Guide for Gay Dads)

Turns out David Blacker is, in fact, experiencing a midlife crisis — according to the very official results of a Buzzfeed quiz

Today I took one of those Buzzfeed-like quizzes to determine whether or not I am having a midlife crisis. I know what you're thinking. How can 29 be considered mid-life? God bless you, but I'm actually 35. Fine, 41. The Buzzfeed results — granted, we're not talking a true clinical assessment here — implied that I am, in fact, showing symptoms of a midlife crisis. But instead of shopping for a new sports car, I'm looking around for something else.

Problem is, I don't quite know what that is yet.

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