Become a Gay Dad

Meeting Your Surrogate for the First Time? Essential Questions Gay Men Should Ask

After your surrogacy agency “matches" you with a gestational carrier, you'll be invited to have a conversation with one another to make sure the fit is right prior to entering a contract. It'll be important for prospective fathers to explore several questions with their potential surrogate during these visit. Here's some questions to get the ball rolling:

#1 What made her want to be a gestational carrier? Women who make the complicated yet impactful decision to become a gestational carrier often have touching and surprising motivations for wanting to help others start their family. For instance, many gestational carriers profess a desire help gay couples in particular start their families. Regardless of her unique motives, uncovering what has led your potential gestational carrier to take this major step in her life is a good place to start your conversation.

#2 How does her family feel about her decision to become a gestational carrier? All gestational carriers must have already carried a child to term, so many are actively raising their own families. Depending on how much contact you choose to have with your gestational carrier following the birth, your families may become intertwined for some time to come. While your agency should have already interviewed your gestational carrier's husband or partner, if she has one, it is still a good idea to discuss their feelings towards her decision to serve as a surrogate.

#3 How do your gestational carrier and her family feel about the LGBTQ community? Prior to matching you, your surrogacy agency should have already ensured that your gestational carrier and her family are LGBTQ-friendly. Still, it can be helpful to raise the subject with your gestational carrier in a non-threatening way, to hear for yourself her perspective on the idea of helping gay men become dads.

#4 How much involvement on your part is your gestational carrier comfortable with during the pregnancy? Particularly if you and your gestational carrier live in close proximity, you and/or your partner may wish to be as deeply engaged throughout your surrogacy journey as possible. If that is the case, you should speak with your gestational carrier about her comfort level with having you and/or your partner in the room during doctor's visits. Ideally, she will be quite open to your involvement throughout the process, but you should also be prepared to respect her need for privacy as much as possible.

#5 How much contact will you want to maintain with your gestational carrier and her family following the birth of the child? Many gay dads choose to maintain contact with their gestational carriers following the birth of their child in some form, but the level of that involvement can vary widely. Some choose to stay intimately involved in each other's lives, and might even choose to repeat a second surrogacy journey together years later. Others, meanwhile, may choose to limit contact to sending an occasional photo via email, or interacting online. There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and the outcome may evolve organically. But it is important to know your own preferences for the type and frequency of contact, as well as the preferences of your gestational carrier.

#6 How does your gestational carrier feel about the possibilities of multiples? Often, gay men may wish to transfer more than one embryo during an IVF procedure. Doing so allows gay men to each transfer an embryo to which they contributed DNA, and raises the odds that at least one will lead to a successful pregnancy. While you may be excited about the prospect of having twins, carrying multiples can complicate a pregnancy. It will be important to discuss this eventuality with your gestational carrier prior to entering into a contact. You may not force her to make any decision that impacts her body in a way she is not comfortable with. If she only wishes to transfer one embryo at a time, then, you must respect her wishes, or find another gestational carrier who is comfortable with the idea of carrying twins to term.

#7 How does your gestational carrier feel about “reducing"? Other gay men may be less excited about the idea of having multiple children within the same pregnancy, but want to transfer more than one embryo during IVF to increase the odds that one will lead to a successful pregnancy. However, as discussed above, transferring multiple embryos will also increase the likelihood of having twins, triples, or more. Carrying multiples can increase health risks during a pregnancy, particularly if it involves more than three fetuses. Your doctor will likely raise the prospect of “reducing" or aborting one or more of the fetuses in this event. It will be important to discuss this eventuality with your gestational carrier, and ascertain her feelings towards the procedure, prior to entering into a contract.

#8 How does your gestational carrier feel about abortion generally? Typically, your agency will pre-screen you and your gestational carrier on the question of abortion well before you ever “match." Still, it's a good idea to discuss the possibility with her, and under which circumstances you both feel an abortion is warranted or not.

For more on surrogacy, check out:

Surrogacy Counseling for Gay Men: What to Expect

Thinking of Asking Your Sister to Serve as Your Egg Donor?

How Much Does Surrogacy Cost Gay Men?

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Researching surrogacy but feel like it's all Ancient Greek to you? You're not alone! The surrogacy process is filled with jargon, so we've started this surrogacy glossary of commonly used terms every gay dad should know as he embarks on the surrogacy journey.
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Become a Gay Dad

Jewish Agency to Help Cover the Costs of Surrogacy for Gay Couples

Isaac Herzog, of the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

According to an article in the Jerusalem Post, the Jewish Agency for Israel is about to become first state organization to provide financial assistance to gay employees seeking child surrogacy services overseas. The move is intended to help offset the high costs associated with conducting surrogacy abroad.

The move to do so was led by Isaac Herzog, the Jewish Agency's Chairman of the Executive, who has made it a priority to support employees family-planning journeys, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The decision will apply to the agency's roughly 1,250 employees. The loans can be used to help cover the costs of necessary medical procedures before surrogacy, and for the process of surrogacy itself, the article notes.

Last year, in a controversial move, the Israeli government expanded the ability of single women to access surrogacy services in the country, but excluded single men and gay couples from the policy.

Herzog said the following in announcing the new initiative:

"We are also making a symbolic statement, because it reflects the egalitarian stance of a large organization that is recognizing the right of every man or woman to actualize their wish to be parents and to raise a family, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The Jewish Agency is one big family, and all its members are equal."

Gay Dad Life

Why Date Night Is So Important

When you're a parent, time alone with your significant other isn't a luxury — it's a necessity.

Even before the morning sunlight — and my eyelids — have lifted, I'm reminded that I'm somebody's father. It's usually around 5:40am when my 8-year old son Maxwell pokes his head into our room shouting "cock-a-doodle-doo" at the top of his lungs. He's usually wearing an adorably comfy onesie, a look he thankfully refuses to retire. His rooster call is followed up with strict demands in quick succession:

"Warm milk!"

"Turn on the lights."

"Where's your phone?"

"Put on Nick Jr."

"Feed me yogurt while I play Fortnite!" (Note: we don't… well… anymore.)

This Groundhog Day routine follows us as we pick out his clothes for the day —"Comfy camouflage t-shirt and sweat pants!" he insists (shoot me now). We then make him breakfast, prepare his packed lunch and then make sure his completed homework is in his schoolbag.

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Surrogacy for Gay Men

A Dream Becomes Reality, After a Men Having Babies Conference

New Yorkers David and Brian said their dreams of fatherhood crystalized only after receiving a "ton of information" at a Men Having Babies conference.

New Yorkers David F.M. Vaughn 39, and Brian Becker, 37, are new dads. Over the past three months, the two most important things they've learned as fathers is "patience, and how to swaddle LIKE A CHAMP!" David and Brian chose surrogacy as their path to fatherhood, but making that decision was one of the more difficult parts of their journey. Brian's siblings are adopted, and while they still want to make adoption part of their family journey, certain opportunities arose that made their surrogacy decision easier. Brian's sister enthusiastically offered to be their gestational surrogate, and they discovered more about the process with the help of Men Having Babies (MHB).

But let's jump back to the beginning of their story.

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Your Foster Adopt Questions Answered by a Foster Adopt Dad

We asked our Instagram community to send us their questions about being a foster dad — and an experienced foster dad responded.

Dad Joseph Bostick (read his story here) recently shared his experience as a foster and adoptive dad with our Instagram community via a question and answer session - did you feel nervous at the beginning? How did you start the process? Did you always know that you wanted to foster older kids?

Read Joseph's responses below.

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Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

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Coming Out

My Gay Shame Is Officially Cancelled

After years of feeling ashamed of being gay, David Blacker has finally overcome it. And his son had a lot to do with it.

Scrolling through my social media feeds, reading all the posts about National Coming Out Day reminds me just how valuable it is for us to share our stories and be as open, vulnerable and authentic as possible. Warning: this article is about to get real AF, so now might be a good time to switch back to the Face-Aging app that gives Russia all your personal data.

Oh good, you stayed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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