Sponsored

Keeping the Relationship With Your Surrogate Alive After A Baby

A special relationship between a surrogate and intended parents often forms during a pregnancy. But what happens once the baby arrives?

Written by Kristin Marsoli, Marketing Director at Circle Surrogacy, with new parents Byron and Matt, and surrogate Misty and her husband Blake.

Building your family through surrogacy gives you the opportunity to connect with people with whom you may not have met in your day-to-day life. When these families are connected, deep bonds can be created, and long-lasting relationships formed throughout the pregnancy. It's these deep bonds that carry you through to the birth of the baby and beyond.

New parents Byron and Matt, and their surrogate Misty and her husband Blake, share a bit about their surrogacy experience and the unique relationship that formed during the pregnancy and birth. They also discuss ways for keeping the relationship alive between the surrogate and intended parents.


Byron

When we first decided to have a child through surrogacy, we discovered through talking with friends that the general perception of a parent/surrogate relationship was fairly transactional, when in actuality many surrogates (and egg donors) do this because they've been touched by infertility at some point in their lives – through their friends or families – and that's what has encouraged them to want to do this for others. Going in, we didn't know what to expect, but we did know in the way we chose the women we worked with, that we wanted to work with women who were at least open to having a relationship with us and with our child. The end result was phenomenal – not only did we grow our immediately family with a beautiful baby boy – but we also grew our extended family through Misty, Blake and their kids.

Byron with Misty and her husband Blake

Matt

We loved getting to know Misty's kids and her husband, Blake. We had no clue how this whole thing was going to work, but we were open. While some of our friends who have gone through surrogacy have kept a wall up with the women they've worked with, our journey was amazing because we were open to the wall never being there. While we respect that some of our friends did not want relationships like we had with Misty and her family, we were open from the beginning to whatever type of relationship was to organically develop. Besides the birth of our son, getting to know Misty and her husband and their kids has been the next best thing in this whole process.

Misty

From the beginning, Matt and Byron were different than the first two couples I helped. When I went up to see them in New York, the minute they opened the door it was amazing. They felt like family. I knew I could trust them and lean on them.

My husband is in the navy and away a bit, and I soon found that Byron and Matt were like my family. In January, we lost our dog. This was especially hard because with Blake being gone so much, our dog was more like a best friend to me. I was devastated, and the first people I called were Byron and Matt. They talked to me and they made it all ok. I remember thinking that I had found a family to help me through something life changing like this when my husband wasn't available.

But our relationship goes beyond just the four of us. They even made my kids feel like part of the process. Before Byron and Matt even met my kids, they sent them huge birthday balloon bouquets that were taller than they were! My kids are beyond excited Byron and Matt and Little Byron are part of our family. They talk about them at school, "Our G'uncles are coming to visit! Our G'uncles had a baby!" They're so proud; they want to see every video and every photo.

Circle Surrogacy birth announcement

Blake

What sticks out to me, is the first time I saw a picture of the guys: Byron was on his iPhone and Matt was doing his (Byron's) hair. I was like, "What the heck?"

But seriously, when Misty went up to visit them in New York she FaceTimed me to say good night. While we were talking, Byron took the phone away from her and joked around with me, and was open to who I was, and promised that they would both be there for my wife while I was away. I couldn't have asked for a better couple for my wife to carry a child for.

Byron

I was nervous to meet Blake! But when I saw him he gave me a big bear hug and we immediately felt comfortable with him. It was such a nice surprise with how comfortable he was with us and our relationship, and our relationship with his wife.

And, truthfully, Blake has been the comedic relief during our journey! When he called to congratulate us, he congratulated us for knocking up his wife! We didn't know what to expect, but it's been a nice piece of the journey outside of our relationship with Misty.

Misty

You go through so much together on a surrogacy journey. I learned early on I could lean on them.

When I found out the first transfer didn't work, I was so scared to call them because I didn't want them to feel like I had failed. I was so upset and the first thing they said to me was, "It's not your fault." I immediately felt better; they cared more about how I felt more than how they were feeling.

I was so nervous for the second transfer; I just wanted it to work. We started out with really low numbers. But when we got that first confirmation and the number 351, the pressure was gone! I felt like I was finally giving them what they really, really wanted.

Misty and Matt

Matt

When we heard those low numbers, we were disappointed. But Misty said to us, "Yes, the number was low, but give it a few days." And we were like, she's done this before, she knows her body. I kept saying to Byron, even if the number is low, she KNOWS. She knows her body. That's one thing we learned through all of this: a woman knows her body. Trust her.

It reassured us throughout the rest of the pregnancy.

Byron

It sure did. We didn't know what to think or do coming into this process. Misty's been through this twice. To us, she was a counselor, a therapist, and often times she would introduce herself to our friends as our "oven." ;)

We've been happy together, sad together, joked together. We've always been on the same page.

Women, especially Misty, who help families like this, they are special. My mom and Matt's mom call Misty "Angel Mother", and we think that about sums it up.

Blake

With Misty's previous surrogacies, she was friendly with the intended parents. When we started this journey with Byron and Matt, I asked her if she thought this journey would be different; if she thought they would be around after the birth.

Byron

And while Blake was having that conversation with Misty, we were at home having the same conversation. I asked Matt, "Do you think they're going to keep us around?" That conversation was happening on both sides!

Misty's son and Baby Byron

*****

Now that Baby Byron is here, how are Byron and Matt keeping up their relationship with Misty?

"We talk every day," Byron shares. "And we send pictures and videos. But not just about the baby. This is now about our families, not just Baby Byron, and while he brought us together with the Misty's family, it's now something so much bigger. We bug Misty and Blake every day about when they're coming to visit this summer, and talk about how much fun it will be to all take family vacations together someday."

Your relationship with your surrogate is what you make of it. Many surrogates and intended parents remain as close as family (sometimes closer!) after the baby's birth.

We think Byron said it best: "When we started working with Circle Surrogacy and creating our profile that would eventually lead to Misty choosing us, we had to answer the question 'What kind of relationship do you want with your surrogate post birth?' Some of our friends told us to answer, 'Just put that you'll add them to the Christmas Card List.' But as we grew through this process and fell in love with Misty and her family, we realized that Misty will be AT Christmas and so many other important holidays and event. That's what feels right."

Learn more about becoming a parent through surrogacy with Circle Surrogacy.

Misty with Byron and Matt

Show Comments ()
Sponsored

The Most Important Woman a Gay Man Will Ever Date

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy gives some tips and tricks for getting to know your surrogate once matched

It's time to fine tune your dating skills because you're about to enter into the most important courtship you'll encounter. And it all starts with the biggest first date of your life.

And it's with a woman.

This woman is your gestational carrier; the woman who will carry and care for your baby until she delivers this little bundle of joy right into your arms.

Matching with a gestational carrier – or surrogate – is one of the most exciting milestones in your journey to parenthood through surrogacy. However, it can also be the most nerve wracking. Chances are you've seen a profile about your potential surrogate match so you know a little bit about her and her family. But before you commit to this woman, you'll need to meet her first – either in person or via video. And this is one first meeting you've probably never prepared for!

Circle Surrogacy has been matching surrogates and gay dads for almost 25 years. Here are tried and true tips and tricks to getting to know your surrogate...and keeping the relationship alive during pregnancy and after birth!

Keep reading... Show less

Antwon and Nate became dads through the foster care system. Nine months after becoming licensed, they received a call on a Tuesday, and two days later, their daughter moved in. "It was very quick," said Nate. "Honestly, it was more just shock and nervousness for me."

As new parents, Nate took unpaid leave for two weeks, before going back to work part-time. Antwon didn't receive any leave.

"It's definitely important to have time off to bond, but it's also important to be financially stable when you do it," said Antwon. "I don't think you should have to choose between staying financially afloat or showing your kid love... and I don't think anyone should have to make that choice."

Only 15% of dads in the U.S. have access to paid paternity leave. We want to change this.

Watch Nate and Antwon's video to find out how:

Sign the pledge: www.dovemencare.com/pledge

Like Antwon and Nate, we're helping Dove Men+Care advocate for paid paternity leave for *ALL* dads! Over the next three months, we will be sharing stories of gay dad families and their paternity leave experience. Our goal is to get 100,000 folks to sign the Paternity Leave Pledge.

Dove Men+Care has collected over 30,000 signatures on the Pledge for Paternity Leave in three short months, in a mission to champion and support new legislation for federally mandated paid leave laws in the U.S. With the conversation growing on Capitol Hill, Dove Men+Care will target key legislators to drive urgency behind paid paternity leave policy and provide a social proof in the form of real dad testimonials, expert research and signature support from families across the country.

Our goal is to help Dove Men+Care bring 100,000 signatures to key policymakers in Washington, D.C. for their Day of Action on the Hill, and drive urgency behind this issue.

If you believe *ALL* dads should receive paid paternity leave, sign the Paternity Leave Pledge.

Popular

Couple That Met at the Gym Now Spotting Each Other Through Fatherhood

How two real New-Yorkers became two soft-hearted dads

This article is part of our family feature series with Circle Surrogacy, a surrogacy agency that has been helping LGBTQ+ singles and couples realize their dream of parenthood for the past 20 years.

Byron and Matthew Slosar, both 41, met ten years ago at one of New York City's Equinox gyms. "I asked him for a spot on the bench press," smiled Byron. The couple were married September 22, 2012.

Surrogacy was always the way Byron and Matthew wanted to become parents. They chose to wait and become dads later in life, until they had established careers and the financial means to pursue their chosen path.

They signed with Circle Surrogacy after interviewing a few agencies. "We immediately connected with their entire staff, particularly Anne Watson who lovingly dealt with my healthy neuroses on the daily for 1.5 years," said Byron. "They definitely personalized the service and helped us understand all 2,000 moving parts." The dads-to-be were also very impressed with how much emotional support they received from Circle.

Keep reading... Show less
Fun

Gay Dad Penguins Strike Again! This Time in Berlin Zoo

The latest male penguins to care for an egg together are Skipper and Ping in the Berlin Zoo.

First, there was Roy and Silo — the two male penguins in the Central Park Zoo that served as inspiration for the famous children's book And Tango Makes Three. Then Magin Sphen got together in Sydney, where aquarium keepers gave the cocks (Calm down, that's what a male penguin is called!) a foster egg to care for.

And now, please welcome Skipper and Ping in Berlin to the latest list of gay dad penguins! As soon as the two emperor penguins arrived at the city's zoo, they set about trying to start a family, said Berlin Zoo spokesman Maximilian Jaege to DPA news.

"They kept trying to hatch fish and stones," Jaeger said.

So the zookeepers loaned the penguins an egg from a female penguin, who is apparently uninterested in hatching eggs on her own, according to the BBC.

Unsurprisingly, the gay penguins are killing it as parents. "The two male penguins are acting like exemplary parents, taking turns to warm the egg," Jaeger said,

Read the whole article on DPA here.

Change the World

Hungarian Company Raising Money for LGBTQ+ Organization with a LEGO® Heart

Startup WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD is helping combat misinformation and prejudice in Central and Eastern Europe

Guest Post from WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD

WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD is an innovative startup venture that sells LEGO® parts and unique creations. The core values of our company include social equality regardless of gender identity or origin. As LEGO® is a variety of colors and shapes, so are the people.

We all know that LEGO® is a brand that nearly everyone knows and likes between the age of 3 and 99 so this gives a great opportunity to connect unique LEGO® creations and Pride. We started a fundraising campaign for a Hungarian LGBTQ+ organization who's aim is to bring people closer to the LGBTQ+ community, they help to combat misinformation and prejudice regarding LGBTQ+ issues in Central- Eastern Europe since 2000.

You might know that gender equality and the circumstances of LGBTQ+ people is not the easiest in the former communist Eastern European countries like Hungary so this program is in a real need for help. For example a couple of month ago a member of the government said that homosexual people are not equal part of our society.

The essence of the campaign is when one buys a Pride Heart, a custom creation made of brand new and genuine LEGO® bricks the organization gets $10.00 donation so they can continue their important work. This Pride Heart is a nice necklace, a decoration in your home, and a cool gift to the one you love.

Keep reading... Show less
Entertainment

Single Gay Dad Featured on Season Three of GLOW

Actor Kevin Cahoon joins the Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting in Vegas as a single gay dad — and drag queen — on Season Three of the hit Netflix show

For a couple of years now, Hollywood has been obsessed with gay dad characters (and who can blame them?) But the latest show to get hip to a story line featuring gay man raising kids is Netflix's GLOW, which explores a female wresting troop in the late 1980s.

But GLOW is helping represent a gay character that rarely gets time in the limelight:the single gay dad. In Season three of the hit comedy — which stars Alison Brie, Betty Gilpin, and Marc Maron — actor Kevin Cahoon joins the case as Bobby Barnes, a single gay father who plays a female impersonator. (80s divas only, of course — Joan Collins and Babs among them)


"I've never done female impersonation," the openly gay actor told OutSmart Magazine, "so I tried to learn really quick. You will know them all; I was very familiar with all of them. There were plenty of talk shows and performances on YouTube to study. I learned that their breathing was very informative."

A single gay dad AND drag queen on television? It's about damn time if you ask us.

Read the full interview with Cahoon here.

Politics

Utah Court Rules Gay Couples Can't Be Excluded From Surrogacy Contracts

The Utah Supreme Court found in favor of a gay couple attempting to enter into a surrogacy contract.

DRAKE BUSATH/ UTCOURTS.GOV

Earlier this month, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a same-sex couples can't be excluded from entering into enforceable surrogacy contracts, and sent a case concerning a gay male couple back to trial court to approve their petition for a surrogacy arrangement.

As reported in Gay City News, the case concerns Utah's 2005 law on surrogacy, which was enacted prior to the legalization of same-sex marriage in the state. As a result, the content of the law is gendered, saying that surrogacy contracts should only be enforceable if the "intended mother" is unable to bear a child. When a gay couple approached District Judge Jeffrey C. Wilcox to enter into a surrogacy arrangement, he denied them, arguing that the state's law only concerned opposite sex couples.

"This opinion is an important contribution to the growing body of cases adopting a broad construction of the precedent created by Obergefell v. Hodges and the Supreme Court's subsequent decision in Pavan v. Smith," according to GCN. "It's also worth noting that same-sex couples in Utah now enjoy a right denied them here in New York, where compensated gestational surrogacy contracts remain illegal for all couples."

Read the full article here.

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse