Expert Advice

How to Make Gay Families Stronger [with Their Money]

Do you all too often have more month left over at the end of your money? Do you work hard for your paycheck only to watch it go out faster than it comes in? Do you ever wonder how you'll put your children through school?

You're not alone. The truth is that even though "gays are fabulous" (and we are), most of our community is struggling financially.

And we can relate.

Who are we?

After dating for 18 months, we came out of the closet to each other about our money, and it wasn't pretty. We were $51,000 in credit card debt. Ouch! Sure, everything looked good on the outside. But we were hurting on the inside.

We were the gay cliché of being fabulous but fabulously broke. Ever feel this way?

You see, coming from times and places when it wasn't okay to be gay, we were both bullied, picked and treated differently because we were – well – different. We grew up feeling like we weren't as good as the other kids. Can you relate?

Then, when we found the courage to come out of the closet and moved away from our families to find other people like us, we were so insecure and wanted so desperately to fit in with the other gays, that we thought we needed all the right things – clothes, home, travel, careers, partners, stuff – all the right outward appearances – so we wouldn't be othered by another community. Our community. Sound familiar?

We paid off that credit card debt in less than three years! It took a lot of soul searching, and we attribute that success to figuring out what was most important to us. Sixteen years later, today, we're helping other queer people achieve the same financial security.

Is queer money different than straight money?

If you thought you (and now us) were alone in this struggle, did you know that:

  • same-sex couples with at least once child under the age of 18 have 20% more credit card debt than their straight peers and have almost 90% more student loan debt?
  • queer college graduates have 16% more student loan debt than non-queer graduates?
  • 57% of our community says their current financial condition harms their mental health?

So, no, you're not alone. Yes, our community has systematic and personal struggles with money. Yes, there's something we can do about it but knowing there's a problem isn't enough.

Just like wanting to have children or land a better paying job, we must do something to get what we want.

Is there help? Yes!

You see, we want to help build a stronger queer community. We believe that for us to get stronger than we are today, we need financially stronger LGBTQ individuals and allies. The stronger we are as a community, the more we can push for the equality that our community and families still need.

We want to thank Gays with Kids for letting us introduce ourselves, our blog debtfreeguys.com and our podcast, Queer Money® where we help queer people (and our allies) solve their money problems and use their careers to achieve financial success.

Look out for more information coming from us to help you do just that, and check out our Gays With Kids page. In the meantime, you may find this information of ours below helpful:

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Expert Advice

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There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

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Guest post by Jenny Hart

As a dad, you may be walking with your kids through puberty for the first time since you were a pre-teen! And some topics are undoubtedly easier to tackle than others. It's not uncommon, for instance, to feel overwhelmed, stressed or nervous when it comes time to talk to your daughter about menstruation.

Your daughter's experience with puberty will likely include a variety of emotions that you know about, but not in the same capacity: fear, excitement, confusion, frustration, relief and embarrassment. Many teenage girls rely on their fathers as their primary support system at home, which gives you and your partner an incredible opportunity to learn more about your child, as well as offer insight and guidance as she approaches this life change.

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What's It Like When You're NOT the Bio Dad to Your Baby

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If you're a gay couple considering surrogacy, one of the first decisions you'll need to make together is who is going to be the biological father. When it's time to create your embryos with your egg donor's eggs, you have a few choices when it comes to which dad will be providing his biology: one dad only can provide his biology, both dads can provide their biology and leave the fertilization to chance, or both dads can provide their biology and fertilize half of the embryos with each dad's sperm. Some gay dads choose this third option if they plan to have twins, or more than one baby through surrogacy.

Once embryos are created, you'll decide which embryos will be transferred into your surrogate mother. Hopefully a pregnancy results, and you'll be on your way to fatherhood!

The question is: what's is like when you're NOT the bio dad to your baby? We spoke with a few dads through surrogacy from Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, about the emotions surrounding being a bio dad...and not being one.

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Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."


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Fatherhood, the gay way

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