Co-parenting

11 Steps Gay Men Should Take Before Co-Parenting With a Female Friend

Considering entering an "intentional co-parenting" arrangement with a female friend or couple? These are the steps you need to take

Intentional co-parenting is when two or more parents raise a child together without being in a romantic partnership with each other. Here are some of the steps gay men interested in pursuing this process with a female friend or couple should think about prior to pursuing this path to fatherhood.

Step #1: Find a Co-Parent and Start Planning

First, find a co-parent. As with a romantic partner, one can be found anywhere. We found ours through a monthly prospective parent group. Others we know met through mutual friends, and others already were friends. There are now even match-making websites! Some common ones include: www.coparents.com; www.familybydesign.com/ and modamily.com/. Check out this article about a gay couple who met their co-parents through an online service

Step #2: "Date" Your Co-Parent Before Committing

It's important not to rush into things. You should "date" for a while to get to know each other. And if you're already friends, do not confuse friendship with being compatible co-parents.

Step #3: Have Uncomfortable Conversations

Discuss ALL expectations in advance no matter how uncomfortable: Religion, approach to discipline, legal custody, etc. Even abortion, should there be medical issues for mom or child.

Step #4: Create a Custody Schedule

In addition to the shared custody schedule, be sure to discuss how much time the whole family will spend together.

Step #5: Put it All in Writing

Put everything in writing. Parenting agreements are about more than just legal coverage (in fact, they provide little of it). It is about spelling out all expectations while everyone is calm and rational. You can refer to the agreement if there are disputes, as can legal authorities should it escalate.

Step #6: Be Ready to Call it Off

Bringing a life into the world is serious stuff. One of the advantages to intentional co-parenting is that you can take your time. If there's a strong sense that this parenting arrangement isn't right, then maybe it's not. Once that baby is around you are binding yourself to your co-parent in a profound way and there's no turning back.

Step #7: Take Note of All the Personalities Involved.

Co-parenting might not be for control freaks or those not able to assert themselves. Flexibility and an even temperament are key to long term success.

Step #8: Really Can't Stress the Personality Thing Enough...

Repeating: the personalities have to be compatible. I can't stress this enough. Ideally, the planning process will reveal if that's the case.

Step #9: Hire a Therapist

Get input from a counselor who specializes in shared custody arrangements. They can advise on the best custodial schedule for the children.

Step #10: Hire a Lawyer

Meet with a lawyer experienced with alternative families in your state. There will be a lot of documentation needed, and specific ways to handle certain steps (such as insemination), to ensure maximum legal coverage.

Step #11: Talk to Other Co-Parents

Seek out current co-parents. If possible, meet with the father(s) and mother(s) separately, to get the most candid advice. But also meet with everyone together, to get a first-hand view of the family's dynamics. One useful online resource is Rachel Hope's co-parent matchmaking website: www.partneredparenting.com

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When we asked 30-year-old Nick from Fort Worth, Texas, about his path to fatherhood, he told us it was a long story and to get ready. Nick became a dad through a previous straight relationship and only came out a few years ago, but a lot has happened since then.

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At first, he didn't question this belief, but he distinctly remembers the first moment when he realized he was attracted to men.

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"It's ok to be different, it's ok to live authentically," Ivie says in his video. "You can be gay and a Republican. You need to trust that people will love you for who you really are."

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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