Gay Dad Family Stories

A Gay Teenager with a Challenging Past Finds a New Home, and Future, with Two Gay Dads

Sam suffered abuse at the hands of his birth family. But thanks to his adoptive dads, Adam and Josh, his future looks bright.

Being your children's most enthusiastic and loving cheerleader is one of the most important things you can do as a parent. To support, encourage, guide and to provide a safe loving environment where children can truly be themselves. And that's what Adam and Josh Blaylock are doing for their adopted 17-year-old son, Sam Blaylock.

Before meeting his dads, Sam experienced physical and emotional abuse from his birth family and relations. Once child services became involved, he was moved to and from the homes of different family members and a foster home, before finally coming to stay with Josh and Adam.

"After moving in with them I finally felt what a family actually meant," shared Sam.

Adam and Josh created a home environment of love, acceptance, and freedom to be his authentic self. But how did two Portland, Oregon, husbands in their early thirties become dads to a gay teenager? Although it wasn't necessarily part of the "plan," it's become abundantly clear that this was the family they were meant to have. Here's their story.


Adam and Josh at their wedding, July 2015

Both Adam and Josh came out to friends and families after their high school years. Adam, now 34 and a teacher, told his mom on a trip to New York City, while commemorating his 21st birthday. They celebrated by going to museums and Broadway shows.

"Shocking she didn't know already, right?" said Adam. Over dinner the truth came out, and Adam's mother didn't take it well. Adam never came out to his father and unfortunately no longer has any relationship with him because of his beliefs and how he expresses them.

Josh, 33 and a retail manager, came out to his sister on the way home from a Cher concert.

"So looking back, duh, I'm sure everyone knew," said Josh. "But growing up in an Evangelical household, I didn't know what the reaction to the truth was going to be." It would be another few years before he told his mom; Josh phoned her to tell her that he'd got a dog, and ended up saying how he'd moved in with his boyfriend Adam and he was gay. His mom's response was, "Well, you know how I feel about that," (which he didn't) and they left it at that.

From left to right: Adam, Sam and Josh, en route to Disneyland, October 2015

"It has taken awhile, and a lot of work on both parts, but by including my family in our lives, they were able to see the love that we have for each other and for them," said Josh. "They were all at our wedding in 2015, where Adam took my family's last name." Adam feels welcome in Josh's family and they couldn't be happier with their relationship.

When the husbands began thinking about children, Josh and Adam imagined they'd foster or adopt a younger child. "I am teacher, so I have seen first-hand how many children there are out there who need loving homes," said Adam. But when a friend of theirs who works with LGBTQ youth reached out to them and asked if they would temporarily foster a teenager while DHS found a permanent placement, they said yes.

Sam first came to live with his dads when he was 14 years old and after a very traumatic childhood that stretched into his teen years. He suffered abuse from his family and relations, both physical and mental, and then was sexually assaulted in a foster home where he lived temporarily. (Read Sam's story, in his own words, here.) Sam struggled with his sexuality, which was also a source of contention for his family who did not accept who he was or how he chose to express himself. Finally, it lead to child services collecting him from school one day, and taking him to stay with Josh and Adam.

At a friend's wedding, Utah, September 2017

"I felt at home the second I walked into their house," remembered Sam. "I felt a strong connection, and felt like I was in the wrong family for the past 14 years and now have found my people. My true family."

"We knew we could be a loving permanent home for Sam," added Josh. It took another two and a half years of court dates and working with child services, and the process itself was challenging and emotional. "It's very awkward and heartbreaking to sit in the courtroom supporting your kid while his mother is there, obviously caring about her child but not able to provide a safe environment for him," said Adam. "Sam loves his biological family, even though they are not supportive of his sexuality or that the state got involved, and we fully support contact with them as long as it is safe and he is in a stable mental state to see them."

On January 8, 2018, the husbands finalized Sam's adoption.

Adoption day, January 8, 2018

Since becoming dads, Adam and Josh's priorities have changed considerably. They dove head-first into parenting, so never had time to doubt. But even though the path was challenging, they know Sam has a bright future; they know they made the right choice.

"Having two dads is amazing," said Sam who now lives as an out and proud teen. "I never have to worry about anything when it comes to being gay. They understand it all. I never feel judged and can be as weird and as expressive as I want."

Adam and Josh have learned so much about themselves by helping Sam along his way. "We never would have even thought about coming out as teenagers, but Sam is undeniably himself, exploring drag and everything gay," said Adam. "We had always lived very heteronormative lives, but now we have learned to be very proud of our sexuality and family!"

Portland Pride June 2018

Through his safe and supportive family life, Sam has begun to really explore drag. "It started with just makeup, but then I wanted to dress up for pride 2017 and Adam helped me make my cute little tutu," explained Sam. "We were joking around and how it looked like Tinkerbell and thus came my drag name, Twinkerbell." Sam describes drag as being his number one outlet of coping and seeing the beauty in life.

And even though Sam will soon be off to college and they will become empty nesters, Adam and Josh will forever be his dads, and biggest cheerleaders.

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News

Indiana Court Says Couples Using Sperm Donors​ Can Both Be Listed on Birth Certificate — But Ruling Excludes Male Couples

The 7th US Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of the plaintiffs in the case, a major victory for LGBTQ parents — but the Attorney General may appeal to the Supreme Court.

On Friday, a US Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a ruling from a lower court that said that both parents in a same-sex relationship are entitled to be listed on the birth certificate — previously, the state of Indiana had required the non-biological parent within a same-sex relationship using assisted reproductive technologies to adopt their child after the birth in order to get her or his name listed on the birth certificate, a lengthy and expensive process not required of straight couples in the same situation.

It's a double standard LGBTQ parents have long been subjected to in many states across the country. So this represent a major win. As reported by CNN, this ruling "takes a lot of weight off" the shoulders of LGBTQ parents, said Karen Celestino-Horseman, a lawyer representing one of the couples in the case. "They've been living as families and wondering if this was going to tear them apart."

The 7th US Circuit Court of Appeals deliberated the case, according to CNN, for more than two and a half years, which is one of the longest in the court's history.

However, because all the plaintiffs in the case involved female same-sex couples using sperm donors, the ruling left open the similar question of parenting rights with respect to male couples. Indiana's Attorney General, moreover, may also appeal the case to the Supreme Court.

We'll be following the case closely and be sure to keep you up to date. For more on this recent decision, read CNN's article here.

Change the World

'Homosexuality is Wrong' Utah Teacher Tells Boy Who Gave Thanks for His Two Adoptive Dads

The substitute teacher went on to say two men living together is "sinful." She was fired shortly after.

To anyone with a heart, the moment should have done nothing more than bring a tear to the eye. Last week, just before the Thanksgiving break, a substitute teacher in a fifth grade class in Cedar Hills, Utah — just south of Salt Lake City — asked her students to name something they were thankful for this holiday season.

"I'm thankful for finally being adopted by my two dads," said Daniel, one of the boys, when it was his turn.

Rather than grab a tissue to dab her eyes, or ask the classroom to join her in a hearty round of applause to celebrate Daniel finding his forever family, the teacher took it upon herself to impart her personal religious beliefs onto the young boy. "Homosexuality is wrong," the teacher said in front of the class, adding that it was "sinful" for two men to live together.

The teacher, fortunately, was fired from Kelly Services, the substitute staffing company that employed her, quickly after the incident, but the moment is nonetheless receiving widespread attention in the press — no doubt in part because one of the boy's dads, Louis van Amstel of "Dancing With the Stars," posted a video clip to his 76,000 Twitter followers with the title: "Our child was bullied."

"It shouldn't matter if you're gay, straight, bisexual, black and white," he said to the New York Times in a follow up interview. "If you're adopting a child and if that child goes to a public school, that teacher should not share her opinion about what she thinks we do in our private life."

Louis also revealed that the moment may not have come to light were it not for three of his son's classmates, who told the principal about the teacher's bigoted comments. His son, Daniel, didn't want to report the incident for fear of getting the teacher into trouble.

Louis expressed thanks that the staffing company responded as quickly as it did following the incident — and also stressed that his neighbors and community have rallied behind he and his family in the days afterward, offering support. He wanted to dispel stereotypes that Utah, because of its social conservatism and religiosity, was somehow inherently prejudiced.

"It doesn't mean that all of Utah is now bad," he told the Times. "This is one person."

It's also true that this type of prejudice is in no way limited to so-called red states, and incidents like these happen daily. LGBTQ parents and our children are subjected to homophobic and transphobic comments in schools, hospitals, stores, airlines and elsewhere as we simply go about living our lives. These moments so often fly under the radar — many classmates don't have the courage, as they fortunately did in this case, to report wrongdoing. Some administrators are far less responsive than they were here — and most of us don't have 76,000 Twitter followers to help make these moments of homophobia a national story.

All that aside, let's also get back to what should have been nothing more than a heartwarming moment — Daniel, a fifth grade boy, giving thanks to finally being legally adopted into a loving family.

Entertainment

Amazon's New "Modern Love" Series Includes Episode on Open Adoption

The episode is loosely based on the New York Times "Modern Love" essay written by sex columnist and activist Dan Savage.

In 2005, Dan Savage, the gay sex columnist, contributed one of the most talked about essays for the Modern Love column in The New York Times. Better known for his acerbic wit and cutting political commentary, Savage exposed a more vulnerable side in this piece, sharing the highs, lows and everything in between that comes from the experience of pursuing an open adoption.

His son DJ's birth mother was experiencing what Savage called a "slo-mo suicide": homeless by choice, in and out of prison, and surrounded by drugs. Though Savage has chosen an open adoption so that DJ's birth mother would be a presence in his son's life, she often disappeared for months and sometimes years at a time without contacting the family, leaving their young son with lots of questions and no satisfying answers.

The piece ends on a heartbreaking note, with Savage simply seeking some sort of resolution. "I'm starting to get anxious for this slo-mo suicide to end, whatever that end looks like," he wrote. "I'd prefer that it end with DJ's mother off the streets in an apartment somewhere, pulling her life together. But as she gets older that resolution is getting harder to picture."

At the time, many interpreted Savage's story as a cautionary tale for those considering open adoptions. But in 2016, on the Modern Love Podcast, he asserted that was not his intention: "DJ's mom is alive and well," Savage said. "She's on her feet. She's housed. We talk on the phone occasionally. She and DJ speak on Mother's Day and on DJ's birthday." He added that he "would hate to have anyone listen to that essay or to read it — which was written at a moment of such kind of confusion and despair — and conclude that they shouldn't do the kind of adoption that we did," Savage said. "I think that open adoption is really in the best interest of the child, even if … it presents more challenges for the parents. So I encourage everyone who's thinking about adoption to seriously consider open adoption and not to be dissuaded by my essay."

Now, Savage's piece is getting the small screen treatment as one of 9 episodes included in Amazon Prime's adaption of the column. The episode inspired by Savage's essay, "Hers Was a World of One," contains some departures from Savage's original story — Savage's character, played by Fleabag's Andrew Scott, adopts a daughter rather than a son, for example, and the episode concludes closer to the upbeat note struck in the Podcast version of hist story than in the column.

Either way, we welcome any and all attention to the complexities of open adoption. Check out the episode (which also randomly includes Ed Sheeran in a couple scenes) and tell us what you think!

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

As a Gay Dad, What's the Impact of Letting My Son Perform Drag?

Michael Duncan was excited when his 10-year-old son asked if he could perform in drag for charity — but he also felt fear and anxiety.

As LGBT parents, we have all lived through some sort of trauma in our lives. For many it is the rejection of our family, being bullied, or abuse. We learn to be vigilant of our surroundings and often are very cautious of who we trust. As adults, we start to become watchful of how much we share and we look for "red flags" around every corner.

So, what effect does this have on our children? Does it unintentionally cause us to be more jaded with our interactions involving others? For some the answer may be a resounding "no." But as we look deeper into the situation, we often find that through survival our interactions with others have changed and we may not even realize exactly how much we are projecting on those around us.

Keep reading...
Diary of a Newly Out Gay Dad

A Gay Chiropractor Explains Why He Came Out to His Patients

After Cameron Call, a chiropractor, came out to his family this past year, he knew he had one more step to take — he had to come out to his patients

Fear is an interesting thing. It motivates when it shouldn't, shows at inconvenient times, and is the author of stories that do nothing but hold us back. I would argue though, too, that fear has some good qualities. I believe it helps us to feel. And I think it can be a great teacher as we learn to recognize and face it.

For years fear prevented me from embracing my truth and accepting a large part of who I am. I know I am not alone in that regard. But for so long my fear convinced me that I was. Fear is what kept me from ever telling my parents or anyone growing up that I am gay. Fear mingled with strong religious teachings, embraced at a young age, which led me to believe that I could cure myself of my attractions to the same gender. And fear is a part of what kept me in my marriage to a woman for over ten years.

Keep reading...
Personal Essays by Gay Dads

A Gay Dad Gains Clarity After a Health Scare

A recent health scare helped give Erik Alexander clarity.

Sometimes fear can cripple the mind and hinder ones judgement. Having children of my own, I have come to grips with accepting the things I cannot change and learned to take action when there is no other choice. When it comes to my own personal health, the future and well being of my family gives me all the clarity I need to make the right decision about any kind of health scare.

This episode is dedicated to all the parents out there that are going through or have gone through similar situations.

Keep reading...
Gay Dad Family Stories

This European Couple Became Dads Through a U.K.-Based Surrogacy Program

Janno, from Estonia, and Matthias, from Belgium, were accepted into the "Childlessness Overcome Through Surrogacy" Program.

Janno Talu, an accountant, and Matthias Nijs, an art gallery director, were born in different parts of Europe. Janno, 39, is from Estonia, and Matthias, 28, is from Belgium. Their paths crossed when the two moved to London, each from their different corners of the European Union.

Janno relocated to London earlier than Matthias, when he was 24, and his main reason for the move was his sexuality. "Although Estonia is considered one of the more progressive countries in Eastern Europe, when it comes to gay rights, it is still decades behind Western society in terms of tolerance," said Janno. "And things are not moving in the right direction." In 2016, same-sex civil union became legal, but the junior party in the current coalition government is seeking to repeal the same-sex partnership bill. "In addition," Janno continued, "they wish to include the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman in the country's constitution. Even today, there are people in Estonia who liken homosexuality to pedophilia, which is why I decided to start a new life in the UK, where I could finally be myself."

Keep reading...

Fatherhood, the gay way

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