Coming Out

Gay Dads Share Their Coming Out Stories for National Coming Out Day

We asked several gay dads to share their coming out stories in honor of National Coming Out Day, whose stories are heartwarming, instructive, and everything in between

As we celebrate National Coming Out Day, we look at some of the coming out stories of dads in our community. Their stories are as heartwarming as they are instructive for anyone looking for some advice on navigating the difficult, but empowering, coming out process.


#1. "Confide in someone who's been through it" -David Blacker

David Blacker (left) with his husband Alex Goldstone and their son, Maxwell

"I came out to my parents around the age of 26 when they visited me in California, where I had been living for a couple of years. My goal all week was to tell them, but no matter how many times I tried to bring it up, the conversation veered off to other topics. At one point I tried telling them while I was driving us to the beach; and I was so stressed out that I wasn't paying attention to how fast I was going, and ended up getting a speeding ticket (side note: the officer was super hot).

Finally, the last evening before they left, I made reservations at a nice restaurant in Venice beach and I was determined to tell them (I picked a noisy restaurant incase there were lots of tears). I kept trying to bring it up throughout dinner, but there was no good opening.

At last, I wrote a few words on a napkin and covertly passed it to my mom. It said: Ask me if I'm gay. And that was the ice-breaker.

It was stressful and uncomfortable, but I was and am fortunate to have my family's full support. I felt relieved afterwards, though it took some time for my family to believe that I really was gay (apparently my teenage Whitney obsession wasn't enough of a giveaway).

My advice to others who are still in the closet… before you tell the people most important to you, confide in someone who has been through it. Hearing other people's success stories will give you the confidence you need to come out, when the time is right. Just don't wait too long, because not being your authentic self is exhausting."

#2. "Take baby steps" -Clayton Shelvin

Clayton Shelvin (left) with his husband Andy Forester and their daughter

"At the age of 20, I was engaged to a woman. I was in college and at the time really was trying to convince myself that I was straight. During that time I met a friend who was gay. He began having conversations with me about his own coming out story and it unlocked a part of me that I hid for so long. It was that next year when the engagement was called off and I met a group of gay men who took me in and really introduced me to gay bars, dinner parties, my first PRIDE and true friendship.

The following year on New Year's Eve, I begin to feel that if I didn't share this big secret with my family, that I would explode. I have always been close to my family, especially my mother, and hiding this felt wrong. At midnight I called my sister and simply said the words...."I'm gay".

The next day I got a call from my mom asking me to come over for dinner. I arrived and she immediately took me into her arms and told me, "You're going to be okay, and I'm always going to love and I'm always going to support you."

I'd waited to hear those words forever. It gave me permission to live my truth and to allow myself to be happy. Different members of my family had different feelings about it and I lost a lot of friends, but I had to go through that to really find the people who would support me and who would always accept me.

My advice to anyone struggling to come out is to take baby steps. Find those people in your life who you know are going to lift you up and love you no matter what. Surround yourself early on with people like you and don't let fear or what others may think block you from finding your own happiness. The other side of the rainbow is filled with amazing memories, love and endless possibilities."

#3. "Love and accept yourself"  -Ryan Sirois Heller 

Ryan Sirois Heller with his two kids

"Well I can't say it was necessarily a shock to anyone when I came out. I think there were neon signs from an early age. That said, my sexuality was no longer a secret when I was 16 years old, which was in 2000.

I wish it were a more polished story, but truth be told at that age I was not only experimenting sexually quite a bit, but also with drugs. The two went hand in hand as I was dealing with a lot at that time, so I found comfort in rebellion.

My sophomore year of high school I had a party at the house while my parents were out of town. My cousin was at the party and saw me making out with a guy. The next morning when my parents realized the house was trashed, they pressed my cousin for information and he told them everything — about the drugs, about my sexuality.

So needless to say my parents took a huge blow and found out a lot of things about me all at once. My "coming out" was stained with drugs, sex and lies.

In regards to my sexuality, my mom took it best — especially because she already knew for quite some time upon her own suspicions.

My family in general was also OK. My father had a harder time and I remember distinctly him sitting across from me saying that he accepts me as his son but not my "lifestyle". Meaning my sexuality. He and I had a very rocky few years, but have an amazing relationship now.

After I came out, I became more promiscuous and fell into drug addiction. Although I was out, I never accepted my sexuality myself. I wanted everyone else to accept me but I was filled with so much shame about it that I didn't accept myself.

So for many years I struggled with addiction, sexuality, relationships. It took a long time to realize that it was me who didn't love and accept me. But today, with years of recovery and spiritual work, I've come to a much more forgiving and accepting place of myself and others. But it takes work and coming out is no one size fits all. And in my experience it's not a one time admission — it was a journey of acceptance. One that i still walk and am happy to share with others."

Ryan has written about growing up gay, coming out, addiction and recovery/acceptance in his book "King of Stars." Available on his website: RyanSirois.com

#4. "Living a life of lies is not living life at all" -Jeremy

Jeremy (right) and Josh with their two kids

I came out to my parents when I was 15 years old. It was one of the hardest things I did. I remember the tremble in my voice, the tears running down my face and the tightness in my chest.

My parents listened and asked questions like how long I've had these feelings and if I've acted on these feelings before. At the time I hadn't but I knew I was not attracted to women.

Immediately after telling them I felt a calm feeling come over me. I was at peace and finally truthful to myself.

Now, living in Utah, the Mormon church is very prominent, so my parents wanted to put me into counseling to make sure I was making the right choice. I went to a few sessions and I was told I could learn to suppress my feelings and become a normal person in society. They wanted me to pretend to be someone I'm not. I fought with my inner thoughts about this and ultimately decided to be true to myself.

The advice I'd have for others is always be true to yourself and don't let society pick who you can or can't be. Living a life of lies to fit in is not living life at all.

So much has changed in just the past 5 years when it comes to gay rights. Stand up, be honest with yourself, and be proud of who you are!"

#5. "Be ready for any outcome," -Jason

Jason (left) and Zack with their son

"It was Thanksgiving and I was a Junior in college. I was home for the holidays and I had already come out to my friends at school but felt ashamed / couldn't be myself in my own home.

My dad had passed away a few years earlier, so I was afraid to lose my other parent in the process of coming out.

Eventually, my mom could see how sad and depressed I was and kept pushing the topic of what was wrong. Eventually, I told her my secret, we cried and she asked a lot of questions. It obviously took her some time to get use to the idea of having a gay son, but she's never looked back and is my biggest supporter.

My advice to others looking to come out- you have to be ready for any outcome. It may take you a long time or a short time to come out... there is no time limit. But, it is important for you to live your authentic truth and be proud of who you are.

I never thought in a million years that I would be able to marry and have a kid...but being authentic has given me so much more in life."

#6. "I felt pressure to hide who I was..." -Richard

Richard Kocher with his daughter

"I was lucky to grow up in a very welcoming household and liberal area (San Francisco Bay). I was out to my family and my friends by the time I was 13. Everyone from my water polo team to my close friends to my high school classmates were very supportive.

When I joined the military in college, because of Don't Ask Don't Tell – I felt pressure to hide who I was again. Although I loved my job, I always kept a distance from my fellow service members fearing I could be kicked out. I left active duty a couple years later and gradually came out again.

Today, I'm married and have a 3 year old daughter. Post Don't Ask Don't Tell, I'm still a reservist and just finished serving at a navy expeditionary combat command that has been very supportive of me and my family. I was just selected for Commander and I'm happy to still be serving my country."

#7. "I was missing out on so much in life" -Michael

Michael Bellavia with his son

"I was a nerd and a goody two shoes growing up. That provided good cover to my sexuality all through junior high and high school even though I knew who I was. I basically used academics as my closet.

That lasted well into my mid twenties until I finally decided I was missing out on so much in life and I should start exploring. Soon after, I came out.

I remember that my sister basically pushed me out. She was upstairs in her room, my mom was downstairs in the living room, and I was on the landing of the staircase between floors. My sister was yelling down to her that I didn't want to go on dates with girls because I'm gay and my mom yelling up to her that that couldn't be true. A few minutes of this closet case yelling ping pong match went by and I fessed up to my mom. And I haven't looked back since.

Thankfully my family was very embracing and it was a safe environment to be myself."

#8. "I'm lucky to be who I am..." -Michael

Jeff and Michael (right) with their daughter

"1995 was a big year. It started out with me living and working at my brother-in-law's upstate NY garden center after I dropped out of college. I was extremely depressed. I had left all of my friends behind who I thought wouldn't accept the secret truth of who I was, but had no idea how to meet new friends who would.

I had a choice. I could stay in this prison and wither, or I could somehow find the strength to survive. And luckily I did. In February I cut off my hair (except for one braid, I'll blame it on the 90s) and I chose to live. I shared my truth with some new friends I had made, then my sister and brother-in-law who were very supportive. The weight of the world was lifted.

In April I met my first boyfriend while out one night at a local college (with the help of some liquid courage) and fell madly in love. In May I came out to my parents in an empty, too-quiet Chinese restaurant. Then after my own version of a "Call Me By Your Name" summer I followed my boyfriend who was moving to NYC and got my heart broken soon after I got there.

But it got me there. And I wouldn't be where I am today without any of it. I am incredibly grateful for my journey and wouldn't change a thing. I'm lucky to be who I am and so lucky for all I have. And it really does get so much better. Happy #NationalComingOutDay. #LiveYourTruth"

Show Comments ()
Coming Out

How Coming Out Helped This Gay Man Find the Strength to Be a Dad

Steven Kerr shares the moment he came out to his ex-girlfriend. "From that moment on," he writes, "my strength and purpose have grown."

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Family Stories

One Gay Dad's Path Towards Realizing Being Gay and Christian are Not Mutually Exclusive

Gay dads Matt and David Clark-Sally talk about coming out, parenting as gay men, and reconciling faith and sexuality.

Coming out in your 30s is difficult. But coming out while blending a family, parenting two kids, and reconciling faith and sexuality? Some may call that crazy.

For gay dads Matt and David Clark-Sally, that's just what they did. And they couldn't be happier!

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

Republican Utah Lawmaker, and Dad of Two, Comes Out as Gay in Moving Video

Nathan Ivie has many important identities he's proud of: Mormon, Republican, Utahn, father of two... and gay.

In a moving video posted to Facebook, Republican lawmaker Nathan Ivie finally admitted publicly something he's known since the age of 9: he's gay. Ivie, who serves as a County commissioner, is now the first openly gay Republican elected official in the state of Utah. His coming out video has already been viewed more than 25,000 times:

"There's no easy way to say this, I might as well just jump up and say it: I'm gay," Ivie says in the video. "That's my reality and that's what I need to talk to you about today."

In the video, Ivie reveals that he and his wife has separated. He refers to her as his "best friend and supporter," however, and that he is continuing to co-parent their two children with her.

"It's ok to be different, it's ok to live authentically," Ivie says in his video. "You can be gay and a Republican. You need to trust that people will love you for who you really are."

Jackie Biskupski, Salt Lake City's openly lesbian Democratic mayor, praised Ivie via Twitter, writing: "All the best to you, I love how a simple act of love among strangers helped you find your truth and that you are being embraced by family and friends."

Fun

Gay Dad Penguins Strike Again! This Time in Berlin Zoo

The latest male penguins to care for an egg together are Skipper and Ping in the Berlin Zoo.

First, there was Roy and Silo — the two male penguins in the Central Park Zoo that served as inspiration for the famous children's book And Tango Makes Three. Then Magin Sphen got together in Sydney, where aquarium keepers gave the cocks (Calm down, that's what a male penguin is called!) a foster egg to care for.

And now, please welcome Skipper and Ping in Berlin to the latest list of gay dad penguins! As soon as the two emperor penguins arrived at the city's zoo, they set about trying to start a family, said Berlin Zoo spokesman Maximilian Jaege to DPA news.

"They kept trying to hatch fish and stones," Jaeger said.

So the zookeepers loaned the penguins an egg from a female penguin, who is apparently uninterested in hatching eggs on her own, according to the BBC.

Unsurprisingly, the gay penguins are killing it as parents. "The two male penguins are acting like exemplary parents, taking turns to warm the egg," Jaeger said,

Read the whole article on DPA here.

Change the World

Hungarian Company Raising Money for LGBTQ+ Organization with a LEGO® Heart

Startup WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD is helping combat misinformation and prejudice in Central and Eastern Europe

Guest Post from WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD

WE LOVE WHAT YOU BUILD is an innovative startup venture that sells LEGO® parts and unique creations. The core values of our company include social equality regardless of gender identity or origin. As LEGO® is a variety of colors and shapes, so are the people.

We all know that LEGO® is a brand that nearly everyone knows and likes between the age of 3 and 99 so this gives a great opportunity to connect unique LEGO® creations and Pride. We started a fundraising campaign for a Hungarian LGBTQ+ organization who's aim is to bring people closer to the LGBTQ+ community, they help to combat misinformation and prejudice regarding LGBTQ+ issues in Central- Eastern Europe since 2000.

You might know that gender equality and the circumstances of LGBTQ+ people is not the easiest in the former communist Eastern European countries like Hungary so this program is in a real need for help. For example a couple of month ago a member of the government said that homosexual people are not equal part of our society.

The essence of the campaign is when one buys a Pride Heart, a custom creation made of brand new and genuine LEGO® bricks the organization gets $10.00 donation so they can continue their important work. This Pride Heart is a nice necklace, a decoration in your home, and a cool gift to the one you love.

Keep reading... Show less
Entertainment

Single Gay Dad Featured on Season Three of GLOW

Actor Kevin Cahoon joins the Gorgeous Ladies of Wresting in Vegas as a single gay dad — and drag queen — on Season Three of the hit Netflix show

For a couple of years now, Hollywood has been obsessed with gay dad characters (and who can blame them?) But the latest show to get hip to a story line featuring gay man raising kids is Netflix's GLOW, which explores a female wresting troop in the late 1980s.

But GLOW is helping represent a gay character that rarely gets time in the limelight:the single gay dad. In Season three of the hit comedy — which stars Alison Brie, Betty Gilpin, and Marc Maron — actor Kevin Cahoon joins the case as Bobby Barnes, a single gay father who plays a female impersonator. (80s divas only, of course — Joan Collins and Babs among them)


"I've never done female impersonation," the openly gay actor told OutSmart Magazine, "so I tried to learn really quick. You will know them all; I was very familiar with all of them. There were plenty of talk shows and performances on YouTube to study. I learned that their breathing was very informative."

A single gay dad AND drag queen on television? It's about damn time if you ask us.

Read the full interview with Cahoon here.

Politics

Utah Court Rules Gay Couples Can't Be Excluded From Surrogacy Contracts

The Utah Supreme Court found in favor of a gay couple attempting to enter into a surrogacy contract.

DRAKE BUSATH/ UTCOURTS.GOV

Earlier this month, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a same-sex couples can't be excluded from entering into enforceable surrogacy contracts, and sent a case concerning a gay male couple back to trial court to approve their petition for a surrogacy arrangement.

As reported in Gay City News, the case concerns Utah's 2005 law on surrogacy, which was enacted prior to the legalization of same-sex marriage in the state. As a result, the content of the law is gendered, saying that surrogacy contracts should only be enforceable if the "intended mother" is unable to bear a child. When a gay couple approached District Judge Jeffrey C. Wilcox to enter into a surrogacy arrangement, he denied them, arguing that the state's law only concerned opposite sex couples.

"This opinion is an important contribution to the growing body of cases adopting a broad construction of the precedent created by Obergefell v. Hodges and the Supreme Court's subsequent decision in Pavan v. Smith," according to GCN. "It's also worth noting that same-sex couples in Utah now enjoy a right denied them here in New York, where compensated gestational surrogacy contracts remain illegal for all couples."

Read the full article here.

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse