Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Why This Gay Dad Always Dreaded Parent-Teacher Conferences

With his kids well into their twenties, Jim Joseph gets nostalgic watching friends post back-to-school images of pics of their kids trick-or-treating. One thing he doesn't miss though? The dreaded parent-teacher conference.

I know that social media has gotten a lot of flak in the last couple of years, mostly because of its political tendencies and political, shall we say, drama. Sure, I'm acutely aware of that. But there's a part of social media that is still exceedingly fun and rewarding, and I've been enjoying it a lot lately.

It's been so much fun seeing all of my friends and colleagues with their families during this year's back-to-school and Halloween festivities. School uniforms, backpacks, bake sales, fundraisers, and, of course, Halloween costumes.

I'm getting the chance to relive the years when I did all of that when my kids were young (they are now well into their '20's now!). I miss it. A lot.


But I will say that there's one thing that I don't miss: Parent/Teacher Conferences. I've been seeing a lot of commentary about those too, and I have to be honest and say that those memories aren't nearly as pleasant.

At least not for me, not by a long shot.

You have to understand that I was a divorced, single, gay father back at a time when none of those things were acknowledged, accepted, or embraced. Today we have Facebook and Instagram to shine a festive light on all of our families during these universal moments, but back in my day I was completely in the dark. Not in the closet, but in the dark. All by myself. Cue the Celine Dion song.

So you can imagine, every new school year I would have to face a new teacher and, in some cases, a new batch of parents. I'd have to explain who I was and who we were, often multiple times with looks of disbelief all along the way.

I always made it a matter of course to let the teachers know the situation…I always assumed that if they "knew" me then they'd accept me, and they'd accept and protect my children. For the most part, I'm happy to say that it was true. It's harder to hate and ridicule someone when you really know them. I tried my best to make sure that the parents, administrators, and teachers "knew me." That way they'd accept and include my kids.

But I have to say it was hard. I'm not ashamed to say that it was hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to do…any day at work is a piece of cake compared to that. It's really hard when you're one of a kind, especially in that environment. Perhaps any environment, but when it's your kids' happiness (and emotional safety) at stake then the stakes get really high.

Every school year, without fail, the shocking truth would always come out at the dreaded Parent/Teacher Conference. Every single year. Ugh. That's when I'd have to address "it." Address me. Address our family. Yes, I'm divorced. Yes, I'm an active father. Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I know that's usual. Yes, all of the above. I get it. And every single year I still had to do it.

The kids were generally well-behaved and good students, so that wasn't a worry. Their social acceptance because of me was my worry. Imagine having to deal with that? I'm sure you can.

And many still do. Every single year, every single day. It hasn't ended, it's just that there are more of us around so that we don't quite feel in the dark so much anymore. We don't feel quite so alone anymore. And there are more of us around to share our stories and serve as role models. We can thank social media for that. We can thank Gays with Kids for that!

I wish I had that back in the day. I'm so glad that you all with small kids have that now. Good luck this school year!

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Diary of a Newly Out Gay Dad

A Newly Out Gay Dad Feels 'Demoted' After Divorce

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Cameron Call, who came out in summer 2019, has generously agreed to chronicle his coming out journey for Gays With Kids over the next several months — the highs, lows and everything in between. Read his first article here.

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Cameron Call, a dad of three, came out this past July — and is thankful to be living in his truth.

Guest post written by Cameron Call

During this time of year when our hearts soften and we focus on our thank-yous and grateful-fors I feel it's time to share one of mine: I am grateful for courage. Particularly the courage to be vulnerable and finally allow myself to be seen. I've made some effort to be more real and honest the last little while when I post on here but social media still remains the world's most viewed highlight reel. It's so easy to keep up an appearance and maintain a certain reputation based on what we allow people to see. I admit that I have done this for far too long my entire life. I'm tired of hiding and I am sick of pretending.

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A new report by the Family Equality Council takes a deep dive into the current state of cost for becoming a parent as an LGBTQ person

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Among the more interesting findings was this one: the cost of family planning is relatively similar for all LGBTQ people, regardless of income level. This shows "that the desire to have children exists regardless of financial security," the report's authors conclude.

Research for the report was conducted through an online survey of 500 LGBTQ adults over the age of 18, and was conducted between July 11-18, 2018. For comparison, the survey also included 1,004 adults who did not identify as LGBTQ.

Other interesting findings of the report include:

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  • 33% of black LGBTQ+ respondents, 32% of female-identified LGBTQ+ respondents, and 31% of trans/gender non-conforming LGBTQ+ respondents reported annual household incomes below $25,000.
  • Respondents for this survey were selected from among those who have volunteered to participate in online surveys and polls. All sample surveys and polls may be subject to multiple sources of error, including, but not limited to sampling error, coverage error, error associated with nonresponse, and error associated with question-wording and response options.29% of all LGBTQ+ respondents reported an annual household income under $25,000 compared to 22% of non-LGBTQ+ respondents.
  • 33% of black LGBTQ+ respondents, 32% of female-identified LGBTQ+ respondents, and 31% of trans/gender non-conforming LGBTQ+ respondents reported annual household incomes below $25,000.
  • Regardless of annual household income, 45-53% of LGBTQ+ millennials are planning to become parents for the first time or add another child to their family. Those making less than $25,000 a year are considering becoming parents at very similar rates as those making over $100,000.
  • Data from the Family Building Survey reveals that LGBTQ+ households making over $100,000 annually are considering the full range of paths to parenthood, from surrogacy and private adoption to foster care and IVF. The most popular options under consideration in this income bracket are private adoption (74% are considering), foster care (42%), and IVF or reciprocal IVF (21%). At the other end of the economic spectrum, for LGBTQ+ individuals in households making less than $25,000 annually, the most commonly considered paths to parenthood are intercourse (35% are considering), foster care (30%), and adoption (23%).

What to Buy

A Gift Guide for LGBTQ Inclusive Children's Books

Need some ideas for good LGBTQ-inclusive children's books? Look no further than our gift guide!

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Just weeks after his arrival, he'd get a whole lot more than another pin in his map of visited countries when he attended a social event at Freeport Rugby. "My object was to ogle the local male talent but several women had other ideas," he said. One woman was particularly insistent, he said, but after a couple of drinks she got the hint that he batted for the other rugby team. "She promptly told me there was someone I should meet."

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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