Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Why This Gay Dad Always Dreaded Parent-Teacher Conferences

With his kids well into their twenties, Jim Joseph gets nostalgic watching friends post back-to-school images of pics of their kids trick-or-treating. One thing he doesn't miss though? The dreaded parent-teacher conference.

I know that social media has gotten a lot of flak in the last couple of years, mostly because of its political tendencies and political, shall we say, drama. Sure, I'm acutely aware of that. But there's a part of social media that is still exceedingly fun and rewarding, and I've been enjoying it a lot lately.

It's been so much fun seeing all of my friends and colleagues with their families during this year's back-to-school and Halloween festivities. School uniforms, backpacks, bake sales, fundraisers, and, of course, Halloween costumes.

I'm getting the chance to relive the years when I did all of that when my kids were young (they are now well into their '20's now!). I miss it. A lot.


But I will say that there's one thing that I don't miss: Parent/Teacher Conferences. I've been seeing a lot of commentary about those too, and I have to be honest and say that those memories aren't nearly as pleasant.

At least not for me, not by a long shot.

You have to understand that I was a divorced, single, gay father back at a time when none of those things were acknowledged, accepted, or embraced. Today we have Facebook and Instagram to shine a festive light on all of our families during these universal moments, but back in my day I was completely in the dark. Not in the closet, but in the dark. All by myself. Cue the Celine Dion song.

So you can imagine, every new school year I would have to face a new teacher and, in some cases, a new batch of parents. I'd have to explain who I was and who we were, often multiple times with looks of disbelief all along the way.

I always made it a matter of course to let the teachers know the situation…I always assumed that if they "knew" me then they'd accept me, and they'd accept and protect my children. For the most part, I'm happy to say that it was true. It's harder to hate and ridicule someone when you really know them. I tried my best to make sure that the parents, administrators, and teachers "knew me." That way they'd accept and include my kids.

But I have to say it was hard. I'm not ashamed to say that it was hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to do…any day at work is a piece of cake compared to that. It's really hard when you're one of a kind, especially in that environment. Perhaps any environment, but when it's your kids' happiness (and emotional safety) at stake then the stakes get really high.

Every school year, without fail, the shocking truth would always come out at the dreaded Parent/Teacher Conference. Every single year. Ugh. That's when I'd have to address "it." Address me. Address our family. Yes, I'm divorced. Yes, I'm an active father. Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I know that's usual. Yes, all of the above. I get it. And every single year I still had to do it.

The kids were generally well-behaved and good students, so that wasn't a worry. Their social acceptance because of me was my worry. Imagine having to deal with that? I'm sure you can.

And many still do. Every single year, every single day. It hasn't ended, it's just that there are more of us around so that we don't quite feel in the dark so much anymore. We don't feel quite so alone anymore. And there are more of us around to share our stories and serve as role models. We can thank social media for that. We can thank Gays with Kids for that!

I wish I had that back in the day. I'm so glad that you all with small kids have that now. Good luck this school year!

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

A Gay Dad Discovers: Being a Single Parent is Hard AF

With his husband in New York working on an exciting new TV show, this LA-based dad gains a new appreciation for single parents.

When my husband Alex tells me he's going to be home super late, I have my go-to routine. I give our son a bath; we read bedtime stories; I tuck him in and then I go downstairs to raid the freezer for some dinner (Ben & Jerry's). Then I go down a vintage Whitney Houston rabbit hole on Youtube. Then I might check out a few other *ahem* websites, before finally falling asleep.

But what happens when Alex tells me he's going to be home in a couple of months? Now that's a very different story… with more Ben & Jerry's involved than I care to admit.

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Gay Dad Life

Women Recount Reasons Why They Served as Surrogates in Moving Essays for Marie Claire Magazine

"We've gained an extended family," Nichole Vaughan said of the single gay man to whom she served as a surrogate

In a recent article for Marie Claire, five women who have served as surrogates recounted their experiences in personal essays for the magazine.

"I have a sister who's 11 years younger than I am, who has a heart condition, and has been advised not to carry for herself," said Nichole Vaughan, a 33 year old women in Fort Walton Beach, Florida. "I've always wanted to be a surrogate for her. Since she's not quite settled down, I decided to be a surrogate for someone else first, learn to separate myself. Make sure my body could do it."

The intended parent she ended up carrying for was a single gay man. "We've gained an extended family," she said. "The first time the gentleman came up and met my kids, who were 9 and 4 at the time, he told them, 'I'm going to be your cousin in Miami.' That's how my kids refer to him. They're like, 'I have a cousin in Miami.'"

Nichole went on to give advice to other women considering serving as a surrogate. "I wouldn't do this if you don't have a very supportive group of friends and family. If they're not there in the beginning, then it'll be a very difficult road. We had to travel [to Miami for the transfer] so I needed my children watched. My doctor required me to stay flat for 72 hours afterwards, so you have to account for that as well. Some people stay in a hotel, but fortunately, that's where my intended father lives, so we stayed with him. It was a good way to bond."

Now that Nichole has successfully served as a surrogate, she still plans to do the same for her sister one day. "I'm very excited to do this again for my sister. I may even do it again for somebody else; I'm tossing that around. I really enjoy it. I love being able to bless somebody else."

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Why I Pursued Surrogacy as a Single Gay Man

Joseph writes about the events in his life that led him to choose surrogacy as his path to parenthood as a single gay man.

I don't even know where to begin. When people say lost for words, I never truly understood it until Friday, April 19, 2018. Email notification, "Test results. Positive. Congrats." Four words that completely changed my life forever.

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Change the World

Breaking with Older Generations,  Most LGBTQ Millenials Say They Want Kids

According to new research by the Family Equality Council, the number of LGBTQ parents is expected to rise dramatically in the coming years

According to the LGBTQ Family Building Survey, recently released by the Family Equality Council, the majority of young LGBTQ say they are interested in becoming parent. This marks a dramatic shift when compared with the attitudes of older generations.

Among the survey's findings:

  • 63% of LGBTQ Millennials (aged 18-35) are considering expanding their families, either becoming parents for the first time, or by having more children
  • 48% of LGBTQ Millennials are actively planning to grow their families, compared to 55% of non-LGBTQ Millennials, a gap that has narrowed significantly in comparison to older generations
  • 63% of LGBTQ people planning families expect to use assisted reproductive technology, foster care, or adoption to become parents, a significant shift away from older generations of LGBTQ parents for whom the majority of children were conceived through intercourse.

Despite the expected increase in LGBTQ parents, most providers, they note, "do not typically receive training about the unique needs of the LGBTQ community; forms and computer systems are not developed with LGBTQ families in mind; insurance policies are rarely created to meet the needs of LGBTQ family building; and discrimination against LGBTQ prospective parents by agencies and providers remains widespread."

The Family Equality Council goes on to recommend that family building providers "from reproductive endocrinologists and obstetricians to neonatal social workers, family law practitioners, and child welfare workers" begin preparing now to welcome future LGBTQ parents.

Read the full report here.

Change the World

Gay Dads More 'Equitable' in Parenting Roles Than Straight Dads, Says New Study

Unmoored by gender roles, gay dads take equal parts in being "playmates, caregivers, protectors, role models, morality guides,

A new study conducted by Éric Feugé from the Université du Québec à Montréal observed 46 families, made up of 92 gay dads and their 46 children over a period of seven years.

The study, which Feugé says is the first of its kind, analyzed the roles gay dads take in raising their kids and found the way they parent is 'very equitable'.

'We learned that gay fathers' sharing of tasks is very equitable,' the researcher told the Montreal Gazette, who added there was a "high degree of engagement" by both gay dads in all types of parental roles. "What's really interesting is that they don't conform to roles of conventional fathers. They were able to redefine and propose new models of cultural notions of paternity and masculinity."

Unmoored by gender roles, gay dads take equal parts in being "playmates, caregivers, protectors, role models, morality guides,' the author said.

Read the full review of the research here.

Change the World

Don't F*ck With This F*g

After a homophobic encounter on the subway, BJ questions what the right response is, in an era of increasing vocal rightwing activists

On February 1, 2019, Frank and I went out on a date night, something we haven't done in a while. Our son was sleeping over at his grandparents for the night and we made plans with our friends to meet them for dinner downtown. We decided to save some money and take the subway into town instead of taking a taxi.

We boarded the subway and sat down opposite a couple, a man and woman. I noticed they looked at us as we boarded the train and began whispering to each other. Frank and I were talking to each other when I heard the man uttering under his breath, "F*$%ing faggots."

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Gay Dad Life

14 Gay Dad Families Show Their Love This Valentine's Day

These pics of gay dads smooching will warm the hearts of even the biggest V-Day skeptics

You might quietly (or loudly) oppose the commercialism and celebration of Valentine's Day, but let's just take a moment and rejoice in these beautiful signs of affection, shared between 14 awesome two-dad families. Cynicism gone? Good.

Happy Valentine's Day, dads! We hope you have a lovely day with your kids, your significant other, and / or friends. Because who doesn't love love!?!

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