Change the World

Gay Dads Coming Out: The Road To Acceptance

For the many gay dads who began their journeys into parenthood “the old-fashioned way,” the road to acceptance — by their exes, their children, even themselves — can be bumpy. On the 26th anniversary of National Coming Out Day we bring you three fathers whose stories reinforce the idea that while neither breakups nor parenting are easy, few things worth doing are.


Learning to let the phone ring on Sunday nights was something of a watershed moment for Mark, who at the time was navigating the tempest-tossed waters of a contentious divorce.

“We had irreconcilable differences,” says Mark Sprout, now 50, reflecting on a union 23 years in the rearview, though there wasn’t a single incident that set it off.

In hindsight, the IT professional — with a burgeoning career in life coaching — reckons the reason they couldn’t get along was rooted in the fact that he is gay. “Maybe deep inside of me I knew,” he says, “and that’s why we were in marriage counseling every year, always arguing.”

Mark notes that throughout his life, there were signs. He misread them.

“I got married because I was supposed to,” he says. “That’s just what we did.”

What they also did was have four children. At the time of the split, they were little: 5, 4, 3 and 6 months. Mark began to explore gay life relatively quickly thereafter, but it was a couple of years before his ex-wife, who by then had remarried, found out.

“I was experiencing my first long-term relationship,” he explains. After visiting for the weekend, the kids went home and told mom he and his friend had been lying on the floor together, watching TV.

She called and asked him point blank, “Are you gay?” He said yes.

Problems ensued. His children’s mother, who had become a practicing Mormon when she remarried, began to tell them that being gay was wrong.

At that point, Mark notes, the natural counselor inside him took over. “I had to develop a lot of patience, knowing the kids would come through it as long as I was consistent and loving.”

New life

It’s a point that Evan, 43, would likely agree with. Seven years ago he told his wife of 13 years that he was gay. Despite his unhappiness in that relationship, coming out wasn’t an instant fairy tale, a divorce not that simple.

They had three children — an 11-year-old daughter and twin boys, then 9 — and he adored them. So when he left his home that very night at his distraught wife’s request, it was not an easy decision.

“Where was I going to tell them I went? Why did I leave without saying goodbye? What would they be thinking?” he wondered.

He spoke with his children by phone the next day and told a white lie; he was gone for work and would be back soon. He told his wife he wanted to come home, to tell their children the truth.

“I didn’t want them to think that they were in any way the reason why I left or that they were to blame for the breakup.”

He remembers it like it was yesterday — sitting in his home office, kids on the couch, he in a chair. “I told them how much I loved them and how important they were. I told them that I was gay and that mom and I were going to be separating. We were all crying. I just wanted them to understand that I was going to be just as much a part of their lives as I had been four days earlier.”

The months ahead were challenging, he says. But his constant presence in their lives helped them realize he was telling the truth. The marriage was ending. There would be drama and difficulty. But Daddy wasn’t going anywhere.

One life

The YOLO (you only live once) concept, trite as it seems in a tweetable acronym, is real. More so, some might opine, for men who have already spent years living lives they weren’t meant for. Jon, 54, says that idea goes double for kids; parents should be hyperaware.

“These kids have only one go at being children,” he says. He speaks with the warm, even demeanor of a pastor, which in fact he is. “It will be over in a snap …. Kids in these situations deserve better than [parent-to-parent] negativity. Despite who or what their parents are, children have such a powerful need to love and be loved by their parents. To undermine that is obscene.”

Jon had single fatherhood thrust upon him following a breakup that began with his wife’s severe postpartum depression.

“She addressed that by running off and colliding with another man who was also going through a depression. They were like magnets being drawn to each other.”

Interestingly, his sexuality wasn’t a factor. Both he and his wife — who married young — had confessed attraction to and feelings for members of both genders, “but I think the suddenness of our separation triggered a post-traumatic stress disorder-like situation when I later tried to date women …. Fortunately, with my unusual wiring, I had the option of a whole new dimension in being attracted to men.”

Not that it happened for quite some time. He was fending for himself with a son and a daughter, both very small at the time.

He chuckles softly, “I would say in the first six years of single parenting, there was no social life to be had. I was just exhausted. Being gay was a nonissue.”

That changed as the children grew. “Fifteen or 20 years ago, it was a different scene — especially in the church. I felt as though I had to be a ‘super dad’ to maintain custody of the kids, and because of my work and that culture, I couldn’t fully be myself.”

His kids, however, have more or less known all along.

“My daughter is especially intuitive,” he notes, recalling an evening he was saying goodbye to Roger, his then long-distance significant other. “And at one point she told me, ‘I knew who you were talking to, because you laugh differently when you’re on the phone with him.’”

There was a brief time, in fact, when she was jealous of the special new relationship in his life. Jon says it’s the parents’ duty to ensure that their children feel loved above all.

“‘No one will replace the kind of love I have for you and your brother,’ I told her. ‘Roger is the most important adult relationship in my life, but you’re my children and nothing is more powerful than that.’”

Happy life

Evan’s road was fraught with a bit more contentiousness. Losing control over his life, he says, put his ex in a bit of a tailspin. “She wasn’t very nice to me; she would yell at me in front of the kids using inappropriate language. It was bad.”

He went to counseling for about a year after the breakup and found it very helpful.

Jon, for whom single parenting was an isolating experience at times, says it’s important not to go through it all alone. And Mark, now a grandfather, whose burgeoning Outward Truth practice specializes in helping gay men who have children from a heterosexual relationship live an authentic life, would likely nod to that nugget of wisdom, along with the principle of waiting.

“Early on, when I dropped the kids off at their mom’s on Sunday nights, she’d inevitably call me two hours later.” It was never to say thanks.

“I learned to just let it ring. There’s no reason to get so worked up, angry or afraid in the immediate.” With a 180-degree strategy on the idea of not writing a letter while angry, Mark would call back Monday evening.

“By then, everything was just fine.”

Some of the best advice Jon got during the toughest part of his transition was about his own behavior. “Try to do today what will make you proud of yourself 10 years from now,” he says, noting that could mean the courage to speak out or the restraint you practice.

It’s also of merit, he points out, to remember that while this new life, this genuine you, is important, it’s a parent’s job to be a parent first.

“In the early days following a separation, children are going through a trauma. In their picture of life, the way their family is supposed to be has been shattered.” They will look for reasons why it happened.

“If there’s something that has a label — ‘your dad is gay’ — all the anger can seem focused on that when it’s really about the brokenness that they’ve experienced.” And believe it or not, there is a positive spin to be found.

“I would want you, as my child, to be genuinely and authentically who you are,” Jon says, modeling a tack a dad might take. “And the best way for me to see that happen for you is to model that myself. And while I can’t expect you to fully understand that right now, I hope one day you will.”

Evan, whose kids (now 18 and 16) met then-beau Darrell back in 2008, will be standing by their sides at the end of the month — along with a host of family and friends — as the pair say their wedding vows on the beach.

He feels very lucky to have “wonderful kids, a loving family and the most amazing husband-to-be.” He advises men taking their first wobbly steps on the road he’s walked the past seven years to persevere.

“It may seem like things are a mess, but be confident that you’re doing the right thing and that you deserve happiness. Stay strong — and be an amazing dad."

Show Comments ()
Coming Out

How Coming Out Helped This Gay Man Find the Strength to Be a Dad

Steven Kerr shares the moment he came out to his ex-girlfriend. "From that moment on," he writes, "my strength and purpose have grown."

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Family Stories

One Gay Dad's Path Towards Realizing Being Gay and Christian are Not Mutually Exclusive

Gay dads Matt and David Clark-Sally talk about coming out, parenting as gay men, and reconciling faith and sexuality.

Coming out in your 30s is difficult. But coming out while blending a family, parenting two kids, and reconciling faith and sexuality? Some may call that crazy.

For gay dads Matt and David Clark-Sally, that's just what they did. And they couldn't be happier!

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

Republican Utah Lawmaker, and Dad of Two, Comes Out as Gay in Moving Video

Nathan Ivie has many important identities he's proud of: Mormon, Republican, Utahn, father of two... and gay.

In a moving video posted to Facebook, Republican lawmaker Nathan Ivie finally admitted publicly something he's known since the age of 9: he's gay. Ivie, who serves as a County commissioner, is now the first openly gay Republican elected official in the state of Utah. His coming out video has already been viewed more than 25,000 times:

"There's no easy way to say this, I might as well just jump up and say it: I'm gay," Ivie says in the video. "That's my reality and that's what I need to talk to you about today."

In the video, Ivie reveals that he and his wife has separated. He refers to her as his "best friend and supporter," however, and that he is continuing to co-parent their two children with her.

"It's ok to be different, it's ok to live authentically," Ivie says in his video. "You can be gay and a Republican. You need to trust that people will love you for who you really are."

Jackie Biskupski, Salt Lake City's openly lesbian Democratic mayor, praised Ivie via Twitter, writing: "All the best to you, I love how a simple act of love among strangers helped you find your truth and that you are being embraced by family and friends."

Politics

Utah Court Rules Gay Couples Can't Be Excluded From Surrogacy Contracts

The Utah Supreme Court found in favor of a gay couple attempting to enter into a surrogacy contract.

DRAKE BUSATH/ UTCOURTS.GOV

Earlier this month, the Utah Supreme Court ruled that a same-sex couples can't be excluded from entering into enforceable surrogacy contracts, and sent a case concerning a gay male couple back to trial court to approve their petition for a surrogacy arrangement.

As reported in Gay City News, the case concerns Utah's 2005 law on surrogacy, which was enacted prior to the legalization of same-sex marriage in the state. As a result, the content of the law is gendered, saying that surrogacy contracts should only be enforceable if the "intended mother" is unable to bear a child. When a gay couple approached District Judge Jeffrey C. Wilcox to enter into a surrogacy arrangement, he denied them, arguing that the state's law only concerned opposite sex couples.

"This opinion is an important contribution to the growing body of cases adopting a broad construction of the precedent created by Obergefell v. Hodges and the Supreme Court's subsequent decision in Pavan v. Smith," according to GCN. "It's also worth noting that same-sex couples in Utah now enjoy a right denied them here in New York, where compensated gestational surrogacy contracts remain illegal for all couples."

Read the full article here.

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Thoughts and Prayers Aren't Working:​ One Father's Plea for Gun Reform

One gay dad's plea to our leaders to enact sensible gun control

My articles on GaysWithKids aspire to be lighthearted, helpful and humorous. This one won't be any of those things. Because I'm feeling heavyhearted, helpless and sad. Last week I woke up to news of yet another mass shooting. This time at a family-friendly Garlic Festival in northern California. I don't know if it's because this one hit so close to home, or if it's because the headline included a picture of the innocent 6-year old who was among those killed, but I am overcome with emotion. But mostly I am angry. And I don't know what to do with my anger.

Then, just a few days later came two additional horrific mass shootings that stole the lives of at least 32 more innocent people, many of them children. And then there's the "everyday" gun violence that plagues American cities like Chicago, where guns injured another 46 people this past weekend alone… creating so much turmoil, a hospital had to briefly stop taking patients.

How does one verbalize the collective sadness felt around the world? One can't. And that's why I am asking everyone reading this article to commit to getting involved in some way, to help end this epidemic once and for all. Even though the solution is so obvious, we can't allow ourselves to become numb to mass shootings. Because becoming numb isn't going to save anyone.

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Gay Russian Dads Forced to Flee Moscow

Fearing the Russian government might take their adopted kids into custody because of their sexual orientation, Andrei Vaganov and Yevgeny Yerofeyev fled Moscow

A married couple in Russia, with two adopted children, were just forced the flee their home in Moscow for fear that the authorities would take their children away, according to German news site Deutsche Welle.

Trouble started last month after investigators in Russia opened a criminal inquiry into the proceedings that had allowed the gay couple, Andrei Vaganov and Yevgeny Yerofeyev, to legally adopt the two boys —adoption by LGBTQ people in Russia has typically not been recognized. The government became aware of the adoption proceedings after the gay couple brought their 12-year-old son to the hospital, who was complaining of a stomachache. The boy was fine, but after he mentioned offhand that he was adopted and lived with two fathers, the doctor called the police.

Andrei and Yevgeny granted an interview with Deutsche Welle after escaping Moscow, but on the advice of their lawyers have yet to disclose where they are currently located. Here is a quick recap of that conversation:

"In connection with the 'propaganda of non-traditional values,' the state representatives are accused of having neglected their duty of supervision," Andrei said, when asked to explain on what basis the Russian government might take his children into custody. "This means that lesbian couples could even have their biological children taken away because, through their lifestyle choices, they propagate "certain values."

Yevgeny also explained the events that led to the couple's harrowing escape "I was alone in Moscow at that time. A week after Andrei and the children had left the country, there was a knock on my door, but nobody called 'police, open up.' After half an hour the violent knocking stopped. My parents' home was searched. They were looking for the children and our Danish marriage certificate because we got married in Denmark in 2016. My friends then got me out of the country."

Read the full interview here.

Gay Dad Family Stories

This Couple is Using 'Wheel of Fortune' Winnings to Help Fund Their Adoption

Need to raise money for your adoption fund? Why not try your luck on Wheel of Fortune like these guys!

Doug and Nick Roberts connected three and a half years ago via a dating app, and on their first date, the two immediately felt a connection. Doug, a psychologist, and Nick, a neuroscientist, were married 18 months later. Today the couple live in the suburbs of Philadelphia, and they're ready to start their next exciting adventure together: fatherhood.

The husbands would like to have children, and Nick has always wanted to adopt. "We considered surrogacy, and may consider it in the future as we expand our family," said Doug, "but right now, it is cost-prohibitive. Adoption was easily the right choice for us as we begin to grow our family.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse