Personal Essays by Gay Dads

This Gay Dad's Son Only Wanted Girls at His Birthday Party. Does it Matter?

When Frankie asked his son, Milo, who he wanted to invite to his fourth birthday party, he replied, "I only want girls." Does it mean anything?

Growing up most of my friends were girls, and this is still true today. My best friend, Debbie, is a girl I befriended over 35 years ago at summer camp and we have been inseparable ever since. For whatever reason I feel safe and more at ease around women than I do around men.


Me with my best friend Debbie

Unfortunately, as a very young kid I was taught that being friends with girls was bad. I was often told that only gay boys or "faygalas", as my mother called them, play with girls. My mom gave me a hard time about all these "girlfriends" that I had. Obviously, this caused me a lot of stress as a kid. Why can't I just be friends with whomever I want? And why was this a bad thing? For as long as I can remember, I used to ask my friends that were girls to pretend to be my "girlfriends". Partly to keep my family and my friends from suspecting that I was gay, and secondly it was just easier. This was tough on me already struggling with so many questions about my sexuality, and not always feeling good about myself..

My first "girlfriend" Lori (on the right)

Being gay in the 1970's, when I grew up, was not easy, neither were the decades before it, for that matter. I grew up at the very beginning of gay rights movement, in between the Stonewall Riots of 1969 and the Toronto Bathhouse Raid in 1981. Not to mention the AIDS epidemic among gay men in the late 80's. This was not a great time to be gay, but it was a hopeful time I remember. There were no gay rights, gay marriage, no "gaybies" etc. There were very few "out" people back then, at least who I knew, and a gay "lifestyle" was unacceptable. My mother tried her best to make me straight, but having more male friends doesn't make you straight. My mother did the best she could with the information she had. She was and still is an amazing role model for me, and the person I turn to most when I need advice. I now know she was not trying to hurt me, but rather to protect. This is why the following story really threw me for a loop.

When we started planning Milo's 4th Birthday Party, we asked him who he wants at his party and the first thing out of his mouth was "I only want girls!" Now we know most of his friends at daycare are girls, but I was still a bit surprised by this. Then out of my mouth came these words "You can't only have girls at your birthday party!" Why would I say this? How did I become my mother in that moment? I had spent years being upset with her for not just letting me be friends with whom I wanted, and here I am telling my son he has to invite boys to his party. I pressed him for a bit to find out why he only wanted girls and not boys. I genuinely wanted to know: why did he like girls more than the boys? I also wanted to know if the boys were bullying him, or leaving him out. I needed an explanation. I wanted more information. But I got none. He was only three after all, and he told me quite simply that "the girls were his best friends". That is all that should matter.

Milo's 4th Birthday party with his "girlfriends" and Batman and Robin

This conversation should have ended there, and it did for Milo but not for me. I mean Milo could just be emulating his Daddy and Papa, after all we have lots of women in our lives. But I needed more answers and I spent many hours thinking about why it bothered me so much that Milo was only friends with the girls, especially after all those years of feeling bad about it myself. Was it that my mother had drilled the ideas so far in my head that she somehow brainwashed me? I don't think so. It must have been something else. Could it be that I was worried that this was a sign that he was gay? Maybe that was it! But that is a scary thought for a gay man! Even scarier to say out loud. Do I want my kid to be gay?

This is not easy to answer. I spent the last 30 years fighting for gay rights, and trying to love myself for being gay. I also struggled with addiction for over 10 years and had, and probably still have, some internalized homophobia that rears its ugly head every now and again. But times have changed! I mean I am married to a wonderful man, have a baby through surrogacy, accepted by family and friends and have a website that speaks to the fact that Family Is About Love. So why do I care if Milo only has girl friends or if he is gay? Well I still want the best life for my child, as every parent does. I can't help but reflect on my troubled past and wonder why I would want this for Milo. I know his life will be so different from mine, but I can't help but worry sometimes. Until every country in the world allows gay marriage and gives everyone equal rights, I will always be scared.

What Milo does have though is his Daddy and Papa; two open-minded and very supportive parents. I remembered the first thing I said to Milo when he was born, wiping the tears away from my eyes after holding him next to my heart I said "I will always love you no matter what, and no matter who you are!"

I need to remember just because life is "easier" it is not always better. I am so happy that I didn't go the easy route, and though it took me a bit longer than others to accept myself I am happier for it. I want Milo to be happy no matter what, and whether he is gay or straight or somewhere in between, I will always be here to love him, whether his friends are girls or boys!

A previous version of this post was published on Family Is About Love. Follow Family Is About Love on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

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What to Buy

"The Boy with the Rainbow Heart" Is Being Turned Into a 5-Book Series

Will Mason has launched a kickstarter to turn his children's book "The Boy with the Rainbow Heart" into a 5-book series

Guest post written by Will Mason, author of "The Boy with the Rainbow Heart," which he wrote in honor of his lesbian sister, her children, and all children who find themselves feeling different in some way.

I, Will Mason, kindly ask you to support my Kickstarter, to help launch the latest book in the LGBTQ Rainbow Heart children's series, "The Invasion of Big Angry Red." 5% of sales will go to GLSEN, in honor of Jamel Myles, the 9-year-old student who took his life this past August after he was bullied for being gay.

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Gay Dad Settles Discrimination Suit Against LA-Based School

A single gay dad claims an LA-based school did not adequately protect his two daughters who were reportedly bullied on account of his sexual orientation.

According to MyNewsLA, a single gay dad settled his suit against an LA-based school, Pressman Academy of Temple Beth Am. The man, who is unidentified, alleged that his two daughters were discriminated against in the school on account of his sexual orientation.

Identified only as "John Doe" in the complaint, the single gay dad reportedly grew up in Israel and chose Pressman Academy for his daughters "because it is supposed to be the best school that would instill those same values in his children." The school apparently took issue, however, with John Doe's sexuality.

According to the suit, teachers and other staff members at the school repeatedly asked the sisters to bring a "woman figure" to the school's Mother's Day celebration, for instance. School staff also did not intervene to prevent bullying of the daughters, one of whom was reportedly called an "orphan" because she lacked a mother, and teased to the point of telling a school therapist that she was contemplating suicide.

The terms of the settlement were not made public but the girls, thankfully, now attend another school.

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How One Gay Dad Reacted When his Kid was Bullied at School

When his son was told that "boys marrying boys" was weird, the first thing Brandon did was open the Gays With Kids Instagram account.

On April 21, we received a message from gay dad named Brandon via Instagram. Brandon shared with us that his youngest son had been bullied at school for having two dads. The fact that our kids encounter this type of bullying (or any!) breaks our heart but these circumstances also provide us dads with some teachable moments. And how Brandon dealt with the situation was not only impressive, but it also warmed our hearts.

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

A Gay Dad Gains Clarity After a Health Scare

A recent health scare helped give Erik Alexander clarity.

Sometimes fear can cripple the mind and hinder ones judgement. Having children of my own, I have come to grips with accepting the things I cannot change and learned to take action when there is no other choice. When it comes to my own personal health, the future and well being of my family gives me all the clarity I need to make the right decision about any kind of health scare.

This episode is dedicated to all the parents out there that are going through or have gone through similar situations.

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This European Couple Became Dads Through a U.K.-Based Surrogacy Program

Janno, from Estonia, and Matthias, from Belgium, were accepted into the "Childlessness Overcome Through Surrogacy" Program.

Janno Talu, an accountant, and Matthias Nijs, an art gallery director, were born in different parts of Europe. Janno, 39, is from Estonia, and Matthias, 28, is from Belgium. Their paths crossed when the two moved to London, each from their different corners of the European Union.

Janno relocated to London earlier than Matthias, when he was 24, and his main reason for the move was his sexuality. "Although Estonia is considered one of the more progressive countries in Eastern Europe, when it comes to gay rights, it is still decades behind Western society in terms of tolerance," said Janno. "And things are not moving in the right direction." In 2016, same-sex civil union became legal, but the junior party in the current coalition government is seeking to repeal the same-sex partnership bill. "In addition," Janno continued, "they wish to include the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman in the country's constitution. Even today, there are people in Estonia who liken homosexuality to pedophilia, which is why I decided to start a new life in the UK, where I could finally be myself."

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Surrogacy for Gay Men

Interested in Surrogacy? Check Out These Bay Area Events This Weekend

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If you're in San Francisco or the surrounding area, clear your calendar this weekend. Two events are happening simultaneously that are significant for dads-to-be AND surrogacy advocates: the Men Having Babies San Francisco Conference, and the SF Advocacy and Research Forum for Surrogacy and LGBT Parenting (ARF). For an outlines of both events, check out below.

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Gay Dads Show Up at Boston Event to Drown Out Anti-Trans Protesters

When Trystan Reese found out protesters were planning to show up to an event in Boston he was presenting at, he put out a call to his community for help — and gay dads showed up.

A couple months ago, Trystan Reese, a gay, trans dad based in Portland, Oregon, took to Instagram to share a moving, if incredibly concerning, experience. Reese, who works with Family Equality Council, was speaking at an event in Boston, and learned before his appearance that a group of protesters were planning to attend.

"As a trans person, I was terrified to be targeted by anti-LGBTQ people and experienced genuine fear for my own safety," Trystan wrote. In response, he did what many LGBTQ people would do in a similar situation — reach out to his community in Boston, and ask for their support. "And they came," he wrote. But it wasn't just anyone within the LGBTQ community that came to his defense, he emphasized — "you know who came? Gay men. Gay dads, to be exact. They came, ready to block people from coming in, ready to call building security, ready to protect me so I could lead my event. They did it without question and without reward. They did it because it was the right thing to do."

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