Dating While Dreaming of Becoming "Dad"

Dr Paul Tontz is an academic counselor for the Vets2BSN Project and a military reserve officer living in San Diego, California. He has nine siblings and comes from a loving, supportive Catholic family. For many years he committed himself entirely to his education, completing his PhD while also serving as a reserve military officer. But in the last 5 years, his priorities have changed. Paul wants to be a dad. But first, he'd like to find someone whom he can that share that journey with; someone who challenges him to be a better person. We spoke with Paul to find out how everything is going on his path to fatherhood.

As one of ten kids, Paul is excited to start his own family one day. He's always wanted to be a father, but he's hesitant to go it alone. Raised by two loving and supportive parents, he's seen that sharing the workload of a family has huge benefits, for both parents and kids. Paul admits that his biggest obstacle in becoming a dad is his hesitation to go it alone.

"My biggest fear is that I may have to become a dad as a single parent," said Paul. "Growing up with two very supportive parents I want to make sure I have the time and energy to give my children all the love and support they need and deserve."

But dating has been difficult.

"Honestly, it sucks. Times where I have posted I am looking for children in my online profiles like Scruff or Grindr, I am ignored. It's a very isolating feeling to search for someone who might also be Catholic, interested in monogamy and marriage. Add, on top of that, someone who wants to start a family and it seems nearly impossible."

In terms of how he'd like to create his family, Paul is open to adoption or surrogacy, and both paths appeal to the dad-to-be. Paul is excited by the prospect of being biologically related to his child; however, he's sadden by seeing so many children without a supportive family, and he'd love to provide a loving stable home for those kids. Ultimately, he's still exploring his options, but his priority is first finding someone to share fatherhood with.

"Unlike other things in life in which you can put in the time and effort to make it happen, love doesn't really work that way," said Paul. "I am waiting patiently for that right partner to come into my life ... Starting a family is very important to me."

Paul with all his siblings and parents

Paul is very comfortable with being an out and proud gay man who wants kids someday, but first, he wants a committed partner and marriage, within the next 5 years. Ideally someone who is compassionate, has a great sense of humor, is adventurous and loving, while also a man of faith.

"I realize I have my work cut out ahead of me." joked Paul.

When Paul does finally realize his dream and becomes a dad, he's most looking forward to imparting the love and support his parents gave him, while also doing a bunch of fun dad stuff!

"I want to be able to play tennis or go to the beach with him or her, take them to Disneyland and Sea World, and help them reach their potential."

Paul is ready for the challenge of being a great father, and we have every confidence that he will be an awesome dad!

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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