Personal Essays by Gay Dads

A Gay Dad Discovers: Being a Single Parent is Hard AF

With his husband in New York working on an exciting new TV show, this LA-based dad gains a new appreciation for single parents.

When my husband Alex tells me he's going to be home super late, I have my go-to routine. I give our son a bath; we read bedtime stories; I tuck him in and then I go downstairs to raid the freezer for some dinner (Ben & Jerry's). Then I go down a vintage Whitney Houston rabbit hole on Youtube. Then I might check out a few other *ahem* websites, before finally falling asleep.

But what happens when Alex tells me he's going to be home in a couple of months? Now that's a very different story… with more Ben & Jerry's involved than I care to admit.


Earlier this Fall we received the exciting news that the TV show Alex is producing was picked up to series. This was an amazing accomplishment — something he worked so hard and so long for. However, the show was set to be filmed in New York and we live in Los Angeles. That meant that I would have to take on full-time parenting responsibilities for long stretches of time while Alex was on set 3,000 miles.

First off, I'm incredibly proud of Alex for getting his first TV show produced (It's called Dickinson and stars Hailee Steinfeld and Jane Krakowski — it'll appear on the new Apple network sometime in 2019). He's so committed to his craft and he totally deserves this huge opportunity. That said… I knew all this time away was going to be challenging for me. No, not because we're co-dependent (which we are) and not because I can't live without him (which I can't) – but because I have my own high-pressure, full-time job that requires my attention 24/7. As a Creative Director in the world of advertising I am always on call for my clients. Try explaining that to a seven-year old who wants to play every second of every day.

Both of us have certainly traveled for work before — leaving the other to fend for the family — however, never for months at a time. This was something new that was going to need some getting used to. In other words, this was going to be hard AF.

Here's a little background. Alex and I have been 50/50 parents from day one. We are both extremely hands-on dads. We each put in roughly the same amount of work and time when it comes to our family. That was something we promised each other before Maxwell came into our lives to avoid potential feelings of resentment down the line. And for the most part, this is the first time that arrangement has been tested.

As Al's shooting dates neared, we made a list of all the additional things I would be taking on. New for me would be getting up at 5:45 when Max wakes up (Al's always been a morning person). I'd also be responsible for making him breakfast, making his lunch for school and making sure he's prepared for all his afternoon activities (tennis, Lego club, Karate, etc). Typically Al would do Max's morning routine while I take on the evening routine. But now, I would be doing both. I totally got this, right? Wrong.

Evenings would prove most challenging. I had to have a talk with my boss about leaving the office by 6:00 p.m. every night so I could get home in time to relieve our nanny by 7pm… with the promise that I'd continue working from home after Max goes to bed. Fortunately my office acquiesced (not that they had much of a choice).

Then there were the weekends. We over scheduled ourselves and stayed really active, because when Max is inactive — a.k.a. bored — he tends to act out. So there were several weekends in a row of me and my little guy… with no breaks in-between. 90% of me loved every second of it, but damn, that other 10%... I found myself offering friends hundreds of dollars to watch Max for a few minutes so I could poop/scream/shower/sob in peace.

During those four weeks we stayed very busy, had lots of fun, lots of laughs, lots of time-outs, lots of cuddles... and not lots of sleep. But through it all, we some how managed to become even closer. But I learned firsthand just how challenging it is for single parents… especially parents with more than one child. I have so much more respect for them, knowing what they go through every single day. They should all be wearing an S on their chest, because, in my opinion, single parents are superheroes.

This time apart from Al has made me appreciate him even more for everything he brings to the table. We could never do it without him and we're so lucky to have him in our lives. It sounds corny, but it's true — I love the guy so freaking much.

Also, I want to give major props to Max, who has handled this transition like a big boy. Because this is just as hard for him as it is for me. He doesn't have the other dad to run to when this dad disciplines him (and by discipline, I mean two Oreos instead of five). Plus, he has to deal with my wavering patience and limited time to play cops and robbers. His behavior has really impressed me. In fact, he's down to biting me just twice a day. Baby steps.

Oh, and Al, if you're reading this — and what kind of husband would you be if you weren't — you so owe me big time for holding it down! And I will collect. Some how. Some way. I will collect.

In the meantime, I've got a few more weeks of solo Daddy duty.

Pray for me.

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Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Dating a Single Gay Dad Is a 'Package Deal'

When you date a man with kids, you get the "whole package," says Kyle Ashworth

I am a package deal.

That is a phrase I have continued to tell myself since entering the dating scene. I say it because it's true. You see, I was previously married to a woman for ten years. From that relationship came four wonderful children who are the lights and loves of our lives. Seven years into our marriage I made some hard decisions. The most monumental of them all was coming out to my wife. Everything about being gay and living a life of authenticity felt like a fantasy to me. I didn't know what to expect, what to believe, or where to begin. I just knew I wasn't straight and living in that closeted space was destroying my life.

People often ask me what the hardest part of the journey out of the closet has been. That is a difficult question to answer. Coming out was hard because you'll never get a chance to go back in the closet—once you are out, you're out. Divorcing my wife was hard, because it meant that everything comfortable and "normal" in our lives would be disrupted. Losing friends and family members to bigotry and ignorance was difficult.

So why do we come out? What compels us to turn our whole world upside down?

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Gay Dad Life

Top 10 Reasons You Should Date a Gay Dad

Jay Turner lays out the top 10 reasons you should consider dating a single gay dad

We're gay dads. Many of us were married to women, and for various reasons we eventually found ourselves single and looking for companionship from another man. Life is a little more complicated for us because we have kids. But that shouldn't deter you from seeking a relationship with a gay dad. In fact, there are many reasons why we make better partners than men without children. We are generally more mature, responsible, and emotionally available. We are also better communicators.

Here are the top ten reasons why you should date a gay dad:

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Popular

A Dad Gives Thanks After Finally Saying These Words: "I'm Gay"

Cameron Call, a dad of three, came out this past July — and is thankful to be living in his truth.

During this time of year when our hearts soften and we focus on our thank-yous and grateful-fors I feel it's time to share one of mine: I am grateful for courage. Particularly the courage to be vulnerable and finally allow myself to be seen. I've made some effort to be more real and honest the last little while when I post on here but social media still remains the world's most viewed highlight reel. It's so easy to keep up an appearance and maintain a certain reputation based on what we allow people to see. I admit that I have done this for far too long my entire life. I'm tired of hiding and I am sick of pretending.

Speaking of courage, I haven't had a lot of it throughout my life. I've always been an introvert, soft spoken, scared to share my ideas, rarely spoke up, etc. But things are different now. I'm different. For so long I've been afraid of admitting and embracing a certain truth about a part of myself. And that fear has motivated some life altering decisions throughout my 33 years of life.

Kristin and I finalized our divorce back in July after more than ten incredible years.

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Change the World

Miami Tourism Board Releases Vacation Guide for LGBTQ Families

Miami isn't just about circuit parties! The LGBTQ Family-Friendly Miami Vacation Guide showcases many options for queer parents, too.

As gay people, it can be difficult to find vacation spots that are LGBTQ-friendly out of the normal travel "fruit loop" — New York, Mykonos, San Francisco; repeat. For those of us with kids, the Venn diagram of destinations that are both queer and kid friendly can seem practically non-existent.

Fortunately, that's starting to change as the tourism industry realizes that LGBTQ families are a growing segment of vacationers. One city to quickly pick up on this trend is Miami. While the gays have long flocked to Miami for party weekends, the city has also recently noticed an uptick in the number of LGBTQ visitors who are parents. In response, Miami's tourism board release a guide, LGBTQ Family-Friendly Miami Vacation Guide, that includes loads of options for queer parents and their kids. Amid Miami's legendary circuit parties, it turns out, are tons of family friendly things to do — like the Museum of Science, an eco-adventure theme park, and other kid-focused events all year long.

Who knew?

"When I came onboard as Director of LGBTQ Marketing a little over a year ago, I found that our LGBTQ messaging was centered around our annual events," said Dan Rios, who works with the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau. Massive parties like the White Party and Aqua Girl are a central part of the city's LGBTQ offerings, he said, but he was also worried the city was "developing a reputation solely as a party destination. "I want to diversify that message to highlight everything else that Greater Miami has to offer."

Hence the city's family-friendly guide that includes offerings within "art and culture, dining, beaches, fitness," Dan said. "We have unique and amazing family attractions that we had been promoting to our general audiences for decades. I saw this as an opportunity; an opportunity to introduce our attractions to LGBTQ families, and an opportunity to further promote our attractions -- it was a win-win."

Dan said the Bureau is also in the midst of a campaign that will prominently feature LGBTQ parents within different travel destinations throughout the city, which will be featured throughout both LGBTQ and mainstream websites, publications and advertising.

We applaud the effort to reach out to LGBTQ families, and hope more cities follow Miami's lead! Be sure to check out the guide here.

Gay Dad Life

Gong Hei Fat Choy! Happy Chinese New Year!

As we usher in the year of rat, we asked some of our dads how they honor this special time.

Today we're celebrating, alongside our families, the Chinese New Year! As we usher in the year of rat, we asked some of our dads how they honor this special time, what they do to celebrate, and how they're instilling these traditions in their kids. Here are some of their responses.

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News

Indiana Court Says Couples Using Sperm Donors​ Can Both Be Listed on Birth Certificate — But Ruling Excludes Male Couples

The 7th US Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of the plaintiffs in the case, a major victory for LGBTQ parents — but the Attorney General may appeal to the Supreme Court.

On Friday, a US Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a ruling from a lower court that said that both parents in a same-sex relationship are entitled to be listed on the birth certificate — previously, the state of Indiana had required the non-biological parent within a same-sex relationship using assisted reproductive technologies to adopt their child after the birth in order to get her or his name listed on the birth certificate, a lengthy and expensive process not required of straight couples in the same situation.

It's a double standard LGBTQ parents have long been subjected to in many states across the country. So this represent a major win. As reported by CNN, this ruling "takes a lot of weight off" the shoulders of LGBTQ parents, said Karen Celestino-Horseman, a lawyer representing one of the couples in the case. "They've been living as families and wondering if this was going to tear them apart."

The 7th US Circuit Court of Appeals deliberated the case, according to CNN, for more than two and a half years, which is one of the longest in the court's history.

However, because all the plaintiffs in the case involved female same-sex couples using sperm donors, the ruling left open the similar question of parenting rights with respect to male couples. Indiana's Attorney General, moreover, may also appeal the case to the Supreme Court.

We'll be following the case closely and be sure to keep you up to date. For more on this recent decision, read CNN's article here.

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

As a Gay Dad, What's the Impact of Letting My Son Perform Drag?

Michael Duncan was excited when his 10-year-old son asked if he could perform in drag for charity — but he also felt fear and anxiety.

As LGBT parents, we have all lived through some sort of trauma in our lives. For many it is the rejection of our family, being bullied, or abuse. We learn to be vigilant of our surroundings and often are very cautious of who we trust. As adults, we start to become watchful of how much we share and we look for "red flags" around every corner.

So, what effect does this have on our children? Does it unintentionally cause us to be more jaded with our interactions involving others? For some the answer may be a resounding "no." But as we look deeper into the situation, we often find that through survival our interactions with others have changed and we may not even realize exactly how much we are projecting on those around us.

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Fatherhood, the gay way

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