Whether you’re ready to get started on your gay adoption journey or just browsing for information — you’ve come to the right place!

We’ve partnered with some of the most well-regarded and experienced adoption professionals in the country to create this overview of the Gay Adoption process. Watch these videos for a step-by-step overview of the gay adoption process, and then explore the rest of this page for more detailed info. 

There are three main ways gay, bi and trans me and couples can adopt a child: private infant or domestic adoption,  international or intercountry adoption, or through the nation’s foster care system. Familiarize yourself with all three of these options before making a decision.

Find an LGBTQ-Affirming Adoption Agency

Regardless of which path you ultimately choose, it will be important to work with an adoption agency or lawyer with a commitment to and long track record of success working with LGBTQ families.  The first place prospective adoptive parents should look is “All Children, All Families” database maintained by the Human Rights Campaign. This project partners with dozens of child welfare agencies across the country and include both foster care and private domestic adoption agencies. These organizations earn the “Solid and Innovative Tiers of Recognition” from HRC — meaning they have conducted a rigorous internal self-assessment, provided professional development to staff, and implemented benchmarks to ensure LGBTQ inclusion. The LGBT Bar Association’s Family Law Institute and the Academy of Adoption and Assisted Reproductive Professionals also maintains a directory of lawyers committed to diversity. 

Regardless of the agency you choose to work with, there are some other ways to see if your adoption professionals are LGBTQ affirming. Visit the group’s website to see whether the agency or lawyer has a mission statement that specifically mentions the LGBTQ community. Check to see if the agency’s client non-discrimination statement include the terms “sexual orientation” or “gender identity”. Look for LGBTQ inclusive advertising and paperwork.

No part of the adoption process causes adoptive parents as much concern as the home study — but the process is meant to be helpful. It will include both education for prospective parents, and an evaluation of your fitness to serve as an adoptive or foster parent.

A home study is a required step for any family wanting to adopt any child. It is used not only for private and public adoptions, but also for foster care, stepparent adoptions, kinship adoptions (when grandparents or other family members are raising a child), and second parent adoptions following a surrogate birth or sperm donation. 

The name is misleading — this process is about much more than your home. It generally lasts anywhere from 3 to 6 months, and will involve everything from background checks, interviews with the members of your household, examinations of your physical and financial health, education and training where needed, and much more. It sounds overwhelming, but the process is meant to help build your capacity to be the best, and most prepared, adoptive parent you can possibly be.

If you are hoping to adopt a newborn through private domestic adoption, the birth mother or parents will select you after reviewing your profile among other prospective adoptive parents — there are 36 potential adoptive parents for every one infant eligible for adoption in the U.S., so this process can take some time.

In private domestic adoption, the process is driven by the birth family – it will be entirely their decision who they decide to match with. And in some cases, they can change their mind and decide to parent — which is their right.

Your adoption professionals will help you build a profile that will help match you with a birth family. This will be a look into your life, community, interests, parenting philosophy — and much more. It's meant to be a 360-degree guide that provide the basis on which a birth parent will choose you. When building your profile, make sure to include lots of good, current photos — these will help birth parents envision what life might look like within your household for their child. You may also be able to create an adoption video to introduce yourself to potential birth parents. This gives you an opportunity to showcase your unique personalities and give birth parents a sense of your lives.

You may also want to create your own blog or website, in which you can write about your journey, what’s led you to want to build your family through adoption, showcase your hopes, fears, and dreams, and help humanize you. It may feel scary to share that you are hoping to adopt with friends, family and colleagues online well before you’ve matched — but you never know where a potential connection might come from. 

When it comes to questions the birth family may have about you, make sure to answer honestly. This will assist in creating the potential for a genuine and authentic relationship with the birth family. Follow the pregnant person's lead and respect what they decide is best in their life. Remain aware that changes may occur, such as meetings or changes in communication frequency. Flexibility is key. And if you are flexible with her, she will be flexible with you in return.

The pregnant person may need the space to process what is happening. Be open and welcoming when the pregnant person does respond with texts, phone calls, or means of communication. If you are pursuing adoption through foster care the matching process will be different. You will work with a case worker who will help find a placement that works for you and your needs.

If a birth parent or family is interested in your profile, an initial call or video session will be set up for you. This is an opportunity for everyone involved to get to know each other and determine that both sides want to move forward together. During this call, it will be important to listen more than you speak; be respectfully inquisitive, and an active listener. 

It’s common for the birth parents to want to spend time getting to know you better before making an official decision — this is a time when you can build trust with one another, and help determine the degree of openness you all are comfortable with. Be open, honest and willing to listen. Once again, it’s important to follow the birth parents’ lead — in terms of frequency of contact, and what that contact looks like. Be ok if the pregnant person doesn’t want to talk to you — they may need space to process what is happening.  

Also, it's important to know that being "matched" does not mean your adoption is final — birth parents will still have the ability to change their minds. And a court will still need to finalize the process after the birth. That said, being matched is one of the most exciting steps in the process, so be sure to give yourself room to celebrate. 

In most adoptions today, there will be some degree of contact between adoptive and birth families — just how open or involved your arrangement is will be part of a negotiated process. 

Previously, most adoptions in the United States were “closed,” or “anonymous,” meaning little to no contact existed between birth and adoptive parents. Today, there is typically some degree of contact between birth and adoptive families, thanks in part to ongoing research that has found benefits for all involved. DNA testing and social media have also accelerated the trend toward more openness — it’s simply harder to maintain anonymity. Even in the few remaining cases of a “closed” adoption in the United States, children will still be able to access some identifying information about their birth parents when they turn 18.

In an "open" adoption, the birth and adoptive families will maintain some degree of contact — just how much contact is maintained with vary greatly, from family to family. An open adoption does not mean you will co-parent with the birth parents. As the adoptive parent, you will hold all legal parenting rights, while birth parents will have their legal rights severed. During the open adoption process, however, your adoption professionals will help draw up an agreement between birth and adoptive parents that includes specific details on how much, and what kind, of contact will exist.

Benefits of Open Adoption

Recent research into open adoption has shown a wide array of benefits for all involved. Here are some of those benefits:

• For children: Research has shown that open adoption benefits children in many ways. It provides children with a link to their family stories and histories. It can also help protect against a sense of abandonment, and removes the difficult decision many adoptees in closed adoptions face in deciding whether or not to search for birth parents as adults. Every adoption is unique, and meaningful involvement is not always possible, but in many open adoptions birth families can become part of an active support system for the adopted child — and can feel like part of an extended family. 
  
  
• For birth parents: Open adoption allows birth parents the ability to have an ongoing relationship with a child they've decided they are unable to parent. This can help in a birth parent's sense of loss and during the mourning process. Open adoptions are a birth-parent led process — with only one infant available to be matched for every 36 waiting families. Birth parents are able to thoroughly examine each profile and find an adoptive household that works best for them and their unique set of needs.
  
  
• For adoptive families: One of the main benefits of open adoption for adoptive families is having access to medical and family history information throughout the course of your child's life. Every adoption is unique, but open adoption allows an opportunity for adoptive and birth parents to develop a meaningful relationship with one another, which ultimately benefits the adopted child. In open adoption, birth parents choose the adoptive parents. When you are chosen — with only one infant available to be matched for every 36 waiting families — birth parents can feel a sense of assurance that the match is well suited. 

The final step in the adoption process is also the most exciting — finalizing your adoption and bringing your child home. To do so, it will be important to prepare your home to welcome your child. This involves simple activities like making sure your child’s bedroom is set up and ready, and you have all supplies you need for the age of the child you will be parenting. You will need to determine at this stage if you require the support of a childcare provider — and arrange for that care in advance of your child joining your home. Again, your adoption professionals will help guide you through this process.

Part of preparing for your child is identifying and preparing your support network as well — adoption is an amazing way to form your family, but it can be an emotional and challenging process, before and after the child joins your home. You should speak with your family, friends, and anyone else who you hope to be a part of your support network and discuss the ways in which they may or may not play a role in your child’s life.

Finalizing your adoption will look a bit different depending on where you live. For private domestic adoption, there is a “post placement” period, lasting several months — usually 4 to 6 — after you bring your baby home, during which the state maintains legal authority over the adoption. After this period, a hearing will be scheduled — that is typically more of a formality by this point — during which you will become the legal guardian of the child. 

Though the finalization of your adoption won't occur until after the birth of the baby, there is some legal work you and your adoption professionals can begin to sort through once you've been matched with a pregnant person — being prepared on the early side can help your adoption go smoothly following the birth. Some of this legal work includes: documents that will allow hospitals to discharge the baby into your care, and others that will grant you the ability to make medical decisions prior to the adoption's finalization. 

The costs of adoption vary widely in the United States — from practically nothing, when adopting through foster care, to $50,000 or more if adopting internationally. Below is a breakdown of the costs associated with each adoption path available to gay, bi and trans men. 

Adopting a newborn through an agency can cost from $20,000 to $45,000 according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway.  Expenses will include those associated with completing your home study — the process everyone parent must go through in order to become a legal adoptive parent — advertising, documentation and authentication, postage and telephone costs, and any birth mother and birth family counseling needed. The biggest expense will be the lawyer's fees — both for the prospective parents' lawyer and the birth mother's lawyer.

Adopting independently, without an agency, can cost between $20,000 to $45,000. The main variable to be aware of here involves advertising expenses. If you are working with an agency, the costs associated with advertising for a birth family will typically be included in your agency fees. If you are working independently, with an adoption lawyer or facilitator, advertising fees will vary — and be dependent on your own eagerness. Less advertising means less expense, of course, but the flip side is that your match may take longer to find.

One huge advantage to adopting through the foster care system is that it is affordable for anyone. Fostering is low to no costs — just requiring time, love, and patience. There are no out-of-pocket costs, no costs to engage with the agency, no cost to get the necessary training or required classes, and no cost to have your home study done. Additionally, foster parents are provided a stipend to cover medical expenses, transportation, food, and other necessities — the total amount of your stipend will depend on your state. . “If you are financially challenged and think no agency will have you, think again. They want you for what you bring to the table as a caregiver, as a stable and loving adult.”

Though no money is required, particularly for those hoping to adopt permanently, fostering is not without emotional risks. When children are first placed with your family, Ellen notes, efforts are focused on reunification with the family of origin, which is usually about a year-and-a-half’s worth of time. Those 18 months can be harrowing for foster parents who are forming attachments to the children in their care.   

Those with expendable income may be able to fast track the process by partnering with a private agency that works in conjunction with the state or county — such agencies should exist in every state, and the costs of doing so may be somewhere near $2,000. The advantage is time. Additionally, however, through some research, you may be able to find a private agency that is LGBTQ-affirming, and not worry about a public agency assigned to you by the state. 

Again, it's important to note that many countries prohibit LGBTQ people from adopting within their borders. Moreover, thanks to the implementation of the Hague Convention in 1993 — a positive development, as it helps reduce child trafficking — international adoptions are significantly more complicated than they were in years past. Still, there are several programs available to queer men who have their heart set on adopting abroad. Most notably, GWK partner Spence-Chapin runs programs with two countries that are welcome and affirming to LGBTQ people — in South Africa and Colombia.

It is often slightly more expensive to adopt internationally through these programs that it would be to adopt domestically. This is in part due to the costs associated with travel and lodging. Most all international adoption programs require the adoptive parents to finalize the adoption within their boards for a period of several weeks. You will be responsible for flying yourself to your child's country of origin, and paying for lodging. You will also need to pay additional costs for things like immigration and documentation for your child in order to bring them back to the United States legally. 

What are the most common questions gay, bi and trans men have about adoption?

Gay Adoption Learning Center

In our Learning Center you'll find video responses to the most common questions answered by our adoption experts, as well as access to pre-recorded webinars, previously published feature stories, and an-ever growing list of additional resources to help you become a dad through adoption.