How One Single Gay Man is Preparing for Fatherhood
31-year-old Dane had almost resigned himself to the fact that he would never become a dad. But a move from Los Angeles to Fort Collins, Colorado and a new perspective on life and helped him see clearly that being a parent could be part of his future. Dane is yet to take some of the first steps in his journey to fatherhood, other than starting to save, but he's excited for when that day comes. Why does he want to be a dad? "The best relationship I have is with my father," shared Dane. "He makes me want to be a dad."
Tell us about your preferred path to parenthood. I lean towards surrogacy because I'm an only child and the only biological grandchild on my father's side of the family. Our name is on my shoulders to pass on. But, there's also the bond I share with my father. We're so similar. I would really like to one day have the experience of introducing my dad to a grandchild that also shares a lot in common with him. But I have also learned that the path we envision taking or the plan we put work into developing is often not what is ultimately meant to be, and I am absolutely open to however fatherhood manifests.
Have you found enough information about your preferred path to parenthood? I don't know if there will ever be "enough." But there is a wealth of information out there on surrogacy and adoption, and resources specifically for single men like myself. I will likely continue to compile until I'm absolutely ready to pull the trigger.
What do you think is your biggest obstacle to becoming a dad? Feeling unprepared.
What steps have you taken towards becoming a dad? I'm saving money and doing research. That's the stage I'm in.
What fears or concerns do you have about becoming a dad? Does your sexuality/gender identity play into those fears?Becoming a dad is not something I fear. There's just an innate feeling "everything will be ok" within me that makes the prospect of fatherhood something I really look forward to. I'm sure I'll have moments of being nervous or stressed or anxious, but still, I think everything will ultimately be fine.
What most excites you about becoming a dad? Spending time my kid and my dad, just the three of us.
Did you always want kids and what happened to change your mind? It's not that I didn't want kids, I simply resigned myself to thinking that becoming a father was a near impossibility that I shouldn't put a lot of hope into. But at around 27 I realized that where I was living at the time (Los Angeles) was playing a big role in influencing my thinking in regards to what I could achieve pertaining to family. I realized that, if I was going to be serious about pursuing fatherhood and the quality of life I wanted for myself and a child, I would have to eventually leave. Which I did! To northern Colorado. I'm much happier here than I ever was in Los Angeles and feel better about becoming a father here, single or otherwise.
How soon do you hope to start your family? I'm 31 now. If I had to put a number on it, I'd like to begin the process of surrogacy or adoption by the time I'm 34. But it could be sooner or later.
What are you most looking for in a potential partner? A supportive, equitable, patient, health conscious, empathetic person who is committed to the idea of growing a family, navigating the struggles and complexities that come with raising a child, who is also committed to keeping our lives together vibrant and interesting.
As a gay man who wants children one day, what is dating like for you? It's tough. I've dated a lot of great men who simply have different goals or want to live their lives in vastly different ways from how I want to live mine. And I accept that. I'm comfortable with the idea of being a single parent. But I do consider a desire for children and family to be a metric by which I measure long term compatibility.
What are your biggest concerns about becoming a single dad? Having enough time and money! As long as I've got these resources sorted out, I can handle anything fatherhood wants to throw at me.