Change the World

Coming Out as a Gay Dad Over and Over and Over Again

When I was 11 years old, I went to my first away camp with the Boy Scouts. It was a big deal; it cost, like, $125 for the week, and I got around $30 in spending money from my parents. Visions of candy and pocket knives danced in my head.


We arrived to a murky, muddy, and generally unpleasant camp site. I overheard one of the organizers saying that the site was meant to be closed this year, but they had so many troops coming that they had to use it anyway.

“Great,” I thought to myself, “this ought to go well.”

And did it ever. It stormed so hard that night that I fell asleep with my fingers in my ears watching a daddy long legs climb over the ceiling of our humble canvas tent. Fortunately, we had cots to keep us off the rapidly flooding ground.

When we woke up the camp site was like something out of “The NeverEnding Story,” and I fully expected to end up like the horse Artax by the end of the week. (Dead, that is.) The ground was mud, with intermittent lakes of rain water. I immediately resigned myself to having wet muddy socks all week.

 * * *

The air was quiet except for the pitter patter of trees shedding the night’s rain onto our dining fly, the canopies we cooked and ate under. It was my turn to cook – lucky me – so I was lazily moving some Canadian bacon around in a pan on our patrol’s propane stove while my patrol-mates milled about the campsite trying to find a dry path to the latrine.

Pitter patter.

Pitter patter.

“It seems louder this time” was the last thing I thought before I was slammed down onto the camp stove by a falling tree.

As with a car accident, I remember the impact. I can still feel it knocking the wind out of me like it was yesterday, but in that instant following the crash pure instinct took over. Like a frightened animal I compulsively pulled myself backwards as hard as I could, freeing my head from the burning camp stove, but my right hand was pinned. I remember struggling to free my hand, while my head spun as I gasped for air, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

I twisted myself around, got my arm free, and immediately asked the gathered crowd of fellow Boy Scouts the only question that came to mind:

"My face, what happened to my face? Is it okay?”

 They assured me that I looked fine. I turned to show the other side of my face. There was a chorus of horrified gasps. My heart leapt into my throat and clung there for dear life.

“What about this side?”

I now had a scar running from my nose and upper lip to my right ear. And for the next few years every where I went I would be answering the same question, ad infinitum:

“What happened to your face?”

Even today – though I had the scar tissue excised when I was 14, there is still a faint line – I still get asked about it.

Little did I know this would just be the tip of the iceberg.

* * *

Years later coming out felt like this one-and-done momentous achievement, but it proved to be just the first step in a life-long broken record of coming out. And it’s especially arduous for gay dads, and it’s especially arduous for gay dads who were married to women before. People know it happens, but it’s not something they really expect to encounter.

“Oh, I thought you two were brothers …”

“Oh, I thought you were their uncle …”

“Oh, I thought they were adopted …”

Even people we meet, who know we’re gay, might not know the rest of our story, and everyone reacts a little bit differently to hearing that you were married before. And it’s like, “Let me sum up my first 28 years of life as quickly as possible so I can get this over with.” It can be exhausting.

It feels like this: I meet someone, and then I’m asked to strip naked and take them through a tour of every scar on my body. I want to be nice about it; I feel I have a duty to let people see, because that’s how I educate people about what it’s like being gay, how modern families are made. I don’t begrudge anyone their curiosity, it’s almost always polite, friendly or otherwise well intentioned.

But it never stops. I will be coming out for the rest of my life.

I have made my peace with this. I am not alone. You are not alone. We are not alone. By coming out over and over and over and over again we are telling the world repeatedly that we will not be quiet, that we are proud, that we accept ourselves, scars and all. And you will too.

It’s our story, it’s our kids’ story, so be ready to tell it any time, any place, because that’s what the world demands of us. And in doing so, we can change the world, one person at a time.

Show Comments ()
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

What Gay Dads Wish for Their Daughters on International Women's Day

We asked our dads of daughters what they most wished for their daughters as we all continue our work fighting against the inequality they will inevitably face

Today is International Women's Day. A day to celebrate and honor the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women.

Much like LGBTQ+ equality, gender equality has come leaps and bounds over the past 100 years, but a perfect egalitarian society still does not exist. We asked our dads of daughters what they most wished for their daughters as we all continue our work fighting against the inequality they will inevitably face. Here's what they had to say:

Keep reading... Show less
Politics

Colorado Republicans Try and Fail to Outlaw LGBTQ Marriage and Adoption Rights

A bill introduced by four Republican state legislators in Colorado that would outlaw same-sex marriage and adoption rights was voted down.

The "Colorado Natural Marriage and Adoption Act," which would have outlawed gay marriage and adoption in the state of Colorado, was voted down in the state legislature this week. The bill was sponsored by Republican Rep. Stephen Humphrey and three of his conservative colleagues: Dave Williams, Shane Sandridge and Mark Baisley.

If enacted, the bill would have enforced "state law that marriage is between one man and one woman" and restrict "adoption of children by spouses in a marriage ... that consist of one man and one woman."

The bill, which had little chance of success, particularly in Colorado which has trended more progressive over the past several election cycles, was mostly symbolic, according to Sanridrge. "We all know this bill isn't gonna pass in this current left-wing environment," he told Colorado Public Radio. "It's to remind everyone, this is the ultimate way to conceive a child."

In a sign of how far we've come on the issue of LGBTQ marriage and parenting rights, most Republican legislators in the state did not endorse the bill.

Though the bill had little chance of passage, LGBTQ advocacy groups in the state are taking the threats seriously nonetheless. Daniel Ramos, director of the LGBTQ group One Colorado, told LGBTQ Nation that the bills were an attempt to return Colorado to its "hate status" of the 1990s, adding the aggressiveness of the measures were "a bit surprising."

Politics

Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."


Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

Keep reading... Show less
Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse