Gay Dad Life

But, Who Are Her Female Role Models?

"What about female role models?" our social worker asked during our home study when we were applying to adopt. Because we were being evaluated, we wanted to be positive, eager and compliant. We gamely answered that our mothers would be involved, my sister, my partner’s sister-in-law. And lots of friends. C'mon, I felt like saying, we're gay men whose best friends are women. There is absolutely no need to worry about whether our children will be surrounded by fabulous women.

Our daughter learns all kinds of things that don’t involve her Daddy and her Papa. She puts a bag on her arm and calls it her purse like all the girls in her class. She points out the glamorous high heels our neighbour always wears. She puts her hands on her hips and talks with an upswing in her voice, just like her kindergarten teacher.

She took the opportunity in a public washroom to ask my sister about vaginas. She asks pregnant women about babies. The other day she talked to our babysitter about breasts and asked when it might be time for her to get her first bra. The girl, I’d say, knows what she’s doing.

But the real meaning of the question, which bothered us from the start, was how two dads would be able to cope without a nurturing woman. On a personal level, we wouldn’t be seeking to start a family if we weren’t nurturing. And on a political level, why are we still dividing attributes by a binary equation of gender?

Growing up, I didn’t feel like I fit the expected traits filed under “masculine,” and I was made very aware of this by the teasing I received from kids at school. I thought society had come much further than expecting people to fit into an either/or category. Adults and children are much more fluid and the role of nurturer and caregiver doesn’t fall into one stereotypical gender.

A few years after we completed our second adoption, I was asked by our adoption agency to speak on a panel about gay and lesbian parents. Partway through the discussion the moderator asked the 'role model' question. I jumped on that one before anyone else could get a chance to answer. I voiced my opinion that the question was ridiculous and went on to explain why. A friend who happened to be in the room, a friend who did consulting work with the agency along these various lines, shared that the question is not to be asked anymore. A social worker in the room confirmed the same thing. And it made me think back to our second adoption – we weren’t asked.

The agency had learned and updated its practise. But the out-of-date moderator hadn’t got the memo. Still, attacking a moderator is not good form, and I’ve never been invited back to speak again. But it was a point worth making and I don’t regret speaking up.

Of course, my joke from the start has been, “Female role models? Pffft. Who are their male role models going to be?!”

Show Comments ()
Gay Dad Life

Cooking with Kids: An Interview with David Burtka

David Burtka sits down with us to talk about his new book "Life is a Party."

When you're a young couple it's easy to order in or dine out on a daily basis, but when the kids come along, spending time in the kitchen to prepare nutritious and healthy meals for them can become a problem for some dads. We turned to gay dad and celebrity chef David Burtka who just published his debut recipe book Life is a Party, to get some advice, inspiration, and support as we take our baby steps in the kitchen.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Family Stories

Philippe "Swiped Right" on This Handsome Young Dad

At first, Philippe wasn't sure he could date a man who was a dad. But Steve, and his son Gabriel, have helped him realize a "fatherly side" of himself he didn't know he had.

"It's been one hell of a ride since the beginning," said 26-year-old Steve Argyrakis, Canadian dad of one. He was 19 when he found out he was going to be a dad and the mom was already several months along in her pregnancy. Steve, who lives in Montreal, was struggling with his homosexuality but wanted to do the "right thing," so he continued to suppress his authentic self. "I was so scared about the future and about my own happiness, that I had put aside my homosexuality once again."

A couple of months later, little Gabriel was born, and it was love at first sight.

Keep reading... Show less

Ain't No Party Like a Gay Dad Dance Party

Gay dads singing and dancing with their kids is EXACTLY what you need to get your weekend started right.

Who jams to Led Zeppelin with their kids?

Who rocks some sweet moves to Kelly Clarkson?

Who sings along with their kids in the car?

Who breaks it down with a baby strapped to them in a carrier?

We all do! But these guys happened to catch it all on tape for us to enjoy! Thanks dads. 😂

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Adoption

5 Ways to Know Your Adoption Agency Is LGBTQ-Friendly

So you're ready to adopt. How do you know your adoption agency won't just discriminate against you as a gay man, but is actively welcoming to LGBTQ people?

You know what is the worst? Adoption agencies who discriminate! So how do you know your agency welcomes you? Check out our list of five immediate ways to know if your agency is LGBTQ affirming.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

Gay Dads Featured in Enfamil Commercial

A new ad for Enfamil showcases two gay men talking about their daughter.

The best kind of inclusion is when you're not singled out but instead included right along with everyone else. This kind inclusion inspires others to pursue their own dreams and desires, just like any one else. As part of our popular culture, we know that brands are uniquely suited to inspire us in this way.

Keep reading... Show less

Daughter of Married Gay Couple Who Used Surrogacy Abroad Isn't Citizen, Says U.S. State Department

A decades-old law can be used to discriminate against gay couples who use surrogacy abroad.

James Derek Mize and his husband Jonathan Gregg are both American citizens, but their daughter, born via a surrogate, may not be, at least according to the U.S. State Department.

The New York Times took an in-depth look at this case in a piece that ran in the paper yesterday. While James was born and raised in the U.S, his husband Jonathan was originally born in Britain. That may be enough, according to the State Department, to deny their daughter citizenship.

"We're both Americans; we're married," James told the New York Times. "We just found it really hard to believe that we could have a child that wouldn't be able to be in our country."

According to decades-old immigration law, a child born abroad must have a biological connection to a parent that is a U.S. citizen in order to be eligible to receive citizenship upon birth. Children born via surrogacy are determined to be "out of wedlock," according to the Times report," which then requires a more onerous process to qualify for citizenship, such as demonstrating that a biological parent is not only an American citizen, but has spent at least five years in the country.

The intent of the law, which dates back to the 1950s, was to prevent people from claiming, falsely, that they are the children of U.S. parents. But LGBTQ advocates argue this archaic policy is being used intentionally to discriminates against same-sex couples, who often have to rely on donors, IVF and surrogacy in order to have biologically children, and are thus held to a higher standard.

"This is where our life is. This is where our jobs are," James told the Times. "Our daughter can't be here, but she has no one else to care for her."

Read the whole story here.


Couple That Met at the Gym Now Spotting Each Other Through Fatherhood

How two real New-Yorkers became two soft-hearted dads

This article is part of our family feature series with Circle Surrogacy, a surrogacy agency that has been helping LGBTQ+ singles and couples realize their dream of parenthood for the past 20 years.

Byron and Matthew Slosar, both 41, met ten years ago at one of New York City's Equinox gyms. "I asked him for a spot on the bench press," smiled Byron. The couple were married September 22, 2012.

Surrogacy was always the way Byron and Matthew wanted to become parents. They chose to wait and become dads later in life, until they had established careers and the financial means to pursue their chosen path.

They signed with Circle Surrogacy after interviewing a few agencies. "We immediately connected with their entire staff, particularly Anne Watson who lovingly dealt with my healthy neuroses on the daily for 1.5 years," said Byron. "They definitely personalized the service and helped us understand all 2,000 moving parts." The dads-to-be were also very impressed with how much emotional support they received from Circle.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse