Co-parenting

Top Three Benefits of 'Intentional Co-Parenting' for Gay Men & Couples

Entering into intentional co-parenting arrangements with another adult or couple has many benefits, says Bill Delaney. Here are his top three.

I often joke that the best thing about co-parenting is that we can have both kids and a life. It's certainly easier to maintain a non-child-centric social life with scheduled child-free days, but that is the least of the benefits of sharing parenting responsibilities.


It's Cheaper

Concerns about cost are shared by many prospective parents, whether single or partnered. Our family lives in San Francisco, the most expensive city in the country. Each couple makes a comfortable living but toss in a couple of kids as a two-parent household and there'd be no way to remain here without significant sacrifices to our quality of life, or we'd have to leave. By splitting childcare costs we're able to stay in the city and still able to provide for our children.

More Parenting Support

We've seen struggling new parents move in order to be closer to their extended families. By co-parenting we've created a support network that the individual couples don't have. My husband I are from other parts of the country so have no local family. The moms also have very few or no local family members. Nannies and baby-sitters are fine but in addition to the added expense it's not the same as a willing relative; or in our case, another parent.

Better Work/Life Balance

Just as there is work/life balance, so should there be kids/kids-free balance. Parents benefit from frequent, guilt-free time to focus on any number of non-child related necessities, such as chores, exercise, sleep, hobbies, socializing with other adults, etc.

Now, some people might read all this and think "but raising your children shouldn't be about your personal comfort." True, but "parent" is also not synonymous with "martyr". My boss recently used the phrase "work smarter, not harder"; seems an apt slogan. A contented – and well rested - parent is a good thing.

So What Are the Drawbacks?

So what are the drawbacks to co-parenting? There aren't many. There's always compromise, whether between two parents, or three, or four. As mentioned in my co-parenting check list last time, compatible personalities are key. If temperaments are in sync, then this should be a non-issue.

Proximity could be a non-issue, a minor inconvenience, or a major hassle. In some co-parented families everyone lives in the same home, in others they live in entirely different cities or states. In our case we live a 20 minute drive from each other, or longer by bus. Not bad but certainly not as convenient as walking distance. The original plan was to buy a two unit building or homes with-in walking distance, but the housing market in San Francisco hasn't been cooperating. Of course our girls would prefer that we live together for togetherness' sake. The back-and-forth doesn't bother them much now but that's sure to change once they have to transport themselves between houses. But that's the only drawback for them so far.

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Entertainment

"To Have and To Hold" Features Gay Dads Co-Parenting with Ex-Wife

To Have and To Hold: Charlotte, on Oprah's OWN channel, includes two gay dads and the challenges and opportunities that arise while co-parenting with one of the men's ex-wife

A modern family of two dads and a mom are featured in the latest reality television show, To Have or to Hold: Charlotte, showing on Oprah's OWN channel. And we can't wait to tune in!

To Have and To Hold: Charlotte follows the real challenges couples face, from financial stress, to issues with intimacy, to the ups and downs of parenthood. Dads Joshua Anglero and Peter Anthonii, and mom Juliana Gutierrez are raising their two kids together and are ready to share what life is like as a co-parenting family.

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Change the World

Republican Utah Lawmaker, and Dad of Two, Comes Out as Gay in Moving Video

Nathan Ivie has many important identities he's proud of: Mormon, Republican, Utahn, father of two... and gay.

In a moving video posted to Facebook, Republican lawmaker Nathan Ivie finally admitted publicly something he's known since the age of 9: he's gay. Ivie, who serves as a County commissioner, is now the first openly gay Republican elected official in the state of Utah. His coming out video has already been viewed more than 25,000 times:

"There's no easy way to say this, I might as well just jump up and say it: I'm gay," Ivie says in the video. "That's my reality and that's what I need to talk to you about today."

In the video, Ivie reveals that he and his wife has separated. He refers to her as his "best friend and supporter," however, and that he is continuing to co-parent their two children with her.

"It's ok to be different, it's ok to live authentically," Ivie says in his video. "You can be gay and a Republican. You need to trust that people will love you for who you really are."

Jackie Biskupski, Salt Lake City's openly lesbian Democratic mayor, praised Ivie via Twitter, writing: "All the best to you, I love how a simple act of love among strangers helped you find your truth and that you are being embraced by family and friends."

Gay Dad Life

Retired NFL Player Reveals He, His Husband and Ex-Wife Live and Raise Kids Together

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer says "we get in fights" thanks to the unique co-parenting arrangement, but that they're "doing the best we can."

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer, who played for the Dallas Cowboys from 1982 to 1989, came out as gay not long ago and became the first NFL player to marry another man, Joshua Ross. Jeff is a father of two teenage boys, who he had with his ex-wife, Heather Rohrer. In a recent interview with People, Jeff, Joshua and Heather discussed their unique co-parenting situation.

"It wasn't that Jeffrey came out to me, but once I figured it out, it was obvious he was gay," Heather said. "He thought it was wrong; he was so angry. He thought his children wouldn't love him, that he'd lose his job. I tried to help him. I kept trying to tell him it was okay, that it was no big deal. But it was to him."

Today, all three adults live together, along with their two children, Isabella, 16, and Dondillon, 15.

"We get in our fights, but we find a way to make up. We're just trying to do the best that we can," Joshua said.

"Jeff and Josh are my family, and we're a better team together than apart," Heather said for her part. "Being together for the kids is the important thing for us. It's been difficult to get to this place, but it's worth it."

Read the entire piece on People.

Surrogacy for Gay Men

A Dream Becomes Reality, After a Men Having Babies Conference

New Yorkers David and Brian said their dreams of fatherhood crystalized only after receiving a "ton of information" at a Men Having Babies conference.

New Yorkers David F.M. Vaughn 39, and Brian Becker, 37, are new dads. Over the past three months, the two most important things they've learned as fathers is "patience, and how to swaddle LIKE A CHAMP!" David and Brian chose surrogacy as their path to fatherhood, but making that decision was one of the more difficult parts of their journey. Brian's siblings are adopted, and while they still want to make adoption part of their family journey, certain opportunities arose that made their surrogacy decision easier. Brian's sister enthusiastically offered to be their gestational surrogate, and they discovered more about the process with the help of Men Having Babies (MHB).

But let's jump back to the beginning of their story.

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Foster/Foster-Adopt

Your Foster Adopt Questions Answered by a Foster Adopt Dad

We asked our Instagram community to send us their questions about being a foster dad — and an experienced foster dad responded.

Dad Joseph Bostick (read his story here) recently shared his experience as a foster and adoptive dad with our Instagram community via a question and answer session - did you feel nervous at the beginning? How did you start the process? Did you always know that you wanted to foster older kids?

Read Joseph's responses below.

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Gay Surrogacy in the U.S. for International Dads

Kristin Marsoli of Circle Surrogacy breaks down the process of surrogacy for gay men outside of the United States

Written by Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation, who has been helping international gay men become dads for over two decades.

Becoming a gay dad through a surrogacy agency in the U.S. – when you live outside of the United States – can feel overwhelming. You may have questions such as: Why should I come all the way to the US for surrogacy? What do I need to know as an international intended parent? How do I get my baby home?

We spoke with Circle Surrogacy & Egg Donation who has been working with international gay parents for over two decades. Circle Surrogacy was founded by a gay dad and lawyer, and is the most successful surrogacy agency with a full legal team on staff who are experts working with international parents.

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Coming Out

My Gay Shame Is Officially Cancelled

After years of feeling ashamed of being gay, David Blacker has finally overcome it. And his son had a lot to do with it.

Scrolling through my social media feeds, reading all the posts about National Coming Out Day reminds me just how valuable it is for us to share our stories and be as open, vulnerable and authentic as possible. Warning: this article is about to get real AF, so now might be a good time to switch back to the Face-Aging app that gives Russia all your personal data.

Oh good, you stayed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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