Co-parenting

Top Three Benefits of 'Intentional Co-Parenting' for Gay Men & Couples

Entering into intentional co-parenting arrangements with another adult or couple has many benefits, says Bill Delaney. Here are his top three.

I often joke that the best thing about co-parenting is that we can have both kids and a life. It's certainly easier to maintain a non-child-centric social life with scheduled child-free days, but that is the least of the benefits of sharing parenting responsibilities.


It's Cheaper

Concerns about cost are shared by many prospective parents, whether single or partnered. Our family lives in San Francisco, the most expensive city in the country. Each couple makes a comfortable living but toss in a couple of kids as a two-parent household and there'd be no way to remain here without significant sacrifices to our quality of life, or we'd have to leave. By splitting childcare costs we're able to stay in the city and still able to provide for our children.

More Parenting Support

We've seen struggling new parents move in order to be closer to their extended families. By co-parenting we've created a support network that the individual couples don't have. My husband I are from other parts of the country so have no local family. The moms also have very few or no local family members. Nannies and baby-sitters are fine but in addition to the added expense it's not the same as a willing relative; or in our case, another parent.

Better Work/Life Balance

Just as there is work/life balance, so should there be kids/kids-free balance. Parents benefit from frequent, guilt-free time to focus on any number of non-child related necessities, such as chores, exercise, sleep, hobbies, socializing with other adults, etc.

Now, some people might read all this and think "but raising your children shouldn't be about your personal comfort." True, but "parent" is also not synonymous with "martyr". My boss recently used the phrase "work smarter, not harder"; seems an apt slogan. A contented – and well rested - parent is a good thing.

So What Are the Drawbacks?

So what are the drawbacks to co-parenting? There aren't many. There's always compromise, whether between two parents, or three, or four. As mentioned in my co-parenting check list last time, compatible personalities are key. If temperaments are in sync, then this should be a non-issue.

Proximity could be a non-issue, a minor inconvenience, or a major hassle. In some co-parented families everyone lives in the same home, in others they live in entirely different cities or states. In our case we live a 20 minute drive from each other, or longer by bus. Not bad but certainly not as convenient as walking distance. The original plan was to buy a two unit building or homes with-in walking distance, but the housing market in San Francisco hasn't been cooperating. Of course our girls would prefer that we live together for togetherness' sake. The back-and-forth doesn't bother them much now but that's sure to change once they have to transport themselves between houses. But that's the only drawback for them so far.

Show Comments ()
Gay Dad Family Stories

This Family Is 'Flying High' with Acceptance

Dads Kai and Nir, who work as flight service managers, recently spoke to their son's class — in full uniform of course.

Meet Daddy Kai, Daddy Nir, and their two beautiful kids! These loving fathers are flight service managers who live in Israel, but are often busy flying around the world. When they were recently invited to their son's preschool to talk about their careers, they knew they had to come in full uniform and — of course — bring some safety equipment. Daddy Kai shared the experience with us.

"The kids are already used to our son having two dads and a mom. We are the only 'queer' family in his preschool and everybody, parents and children, are really accepting," says Kai. "The children also call us like our sons call us: 'Daddy Kai and Daddy Nir'."

Keep reading... Show less
Entertainment

"To Have and To Hold" Features Gay Dads Co-Parenting with Ex-Wife

To Have and To Hold: Charlotte, on Oprah's OWN channel, includes two gay dads and the challenges and opportunities that arise while co-parenting with one of the men's ex-wife

A modern family of two dads and a mom are featured in the latest reality television show, To Have or to Hold: Charlotte, showing on Oprah's OWN channel. And we can't wait to tune in!

To Have and To Hold: Charlotte follows the real challenges couples face, from financial stress, to issues with intimacy, to the ups and downs of parenthood. Dads Joshua Anglero and Peter Anthonii, and mom Juliana Gutierrez are raising their two kids together and are ready to share what life is like as a co-parenting family.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

Retired NFL Player Reveals He, His Husband and Ex-Wife Live and Raise Kids Together

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer says "we get in fights" thanks to the unique co-parenting arrangement, but that they're "doing the best we can."

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer, who played for the Dallas Cowboys from 1982 to 1989, came out as gay not long ago and became the first NFL player to marry another man, Joshua Ross. Jeff is a father of two teenage boys, who he had with his ex-wife, Heather Rohrer. In a recent interview with People, Jeff, Joshua and Heather discussed their unique co-parenting situation.

"It wasn't that Jeffrey came out to me, but once I figured it out, it was obvious he was gay," Heather said. "He thought it was wrong; he was so angry. He thought his children wouldn't love him, that he'd lose his job. I tried to help him. I kept trying to tell him it was okay, that it was no big deal. But it was to him."

Today, all three adults live together, along with their two children, Isabella, 16, and Dondillon, 15.

"We get in our fights, but we find a way to make up. We're just trying to do the best that we can," Joshua said.

"Jeff and Josh are my family, and we're a better team together than apart," Heather said for her part. "Being together for the kids is the important thing for us. It's been difficult to get to this place, but it's worth it."

Read the entire piece on People.

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

Keep reading... Show less
Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse