Gay Dad Life

A Gay Dad-To-Be Writes To The Mother Of His Future Child

To The Mother of Our Future Child,


We are so excited to talk to you for the very first time. Your story is one that is so important to us, but it is also so important to that tiny baby inside of you. Where are you from? What’s your name? What do you like to do?

All right, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Sorry. We get excited, and then we talk too much. So maybe we should introduce ourselves first. We’re Anthony and Dominic, and we’re hoping to be dads soon, hopefully with your help. We’ve put together a whole book for you to look at, talking about our lives, who we are as men and as a couple, and why we think we would be the most amazing fathers to this child.

Let’s make this clear, though. While we will be the fathers to this baby, you will always be the mom. And that’s important to us. Our child will want to know where he or she came from, and while we’ll create a beautifully creative and imaginative “How You Came To Us” story full of storks and cabbage patches and dreams and wishes, your story is one that our child will someday want to know. So, if you should decide to select us to be the parents to raise your baby, we’d like to make some promises to you.

We promise that we will always love this baby, unconditionally, every minute of every day of every year.

We promise that we will probably buy a few too many toys for this baby, toys that are fun and cute, but also toys that help teach and challenge, because learning is important.

We promise that we will read to this baby. We will teach this baby to dream and create and conquer, one story at a time, because imagination is important.

We promise that we will buy this baby a tiny hockey jersey, with our names on the back, so that when he or she comes to Anthony’s hockey games, the fans there will know that our child has a goalie for a dad, and that’s pretty darn cool.

We promise that when this baby grows into a toddler, we will work hard to be sure that there are vegetables on his or her plate, even though Anthony might not want to eat them himself.

We promise that we will teach this toddler how to ride a bike, and we will get him or her the coolest bike on the block. We can’t promise you that we’ll be comfortable when the training wheels come off, but we imagine there’s room to grow on this one.

We promise that we will take this toddler to Disney World, to feel wrapped up in the happiest place on Earth, with two dads who are hoping to show this baby the most fantastic and magical world possible, because our family will be living proof that, with a little luck, the dreams that you wish do come true.

We promise that when this toddler turns into a teenager, we will allow him or her to play whatever sports or participate in any extracurricular activities that he or she might want, with no pressure from us. Because once upon a time, that teenager’s mom made a decision that supported our dreams; we will always return that favor.

We promise you that this teenager will be uncomfortable with the extended amount of prom pictures that he or she will be asked to pose for, on the front lawn, just like we did as kids. Because as wonderful and beautiful as life is, sometimes it’s also about standing in a rented tuxedo while Grandma gets her picture just right.

Anthony and his husband Dominic

We promise you that when this teenager becomes an adult and meets someone to love, and to marry, that we will cry at the wedding. That’s a guarantee.

We promise that we will keep you as updated on as much of these events as you would like. Whether that means e-mails, or phone calls, we want you to be part of the conversation about how much information you’d like to receive. If it’s nothing, that’s okay. And if it’s something more than nothing, well, that’s okay too.

But most importantly, we promise that this baby will know about the sacrifice you are making, to allow us to become fathers. Because we cannot do this without you, your story is one that we will tell with pride and reverence to our child. You are not a forgotten part of this child’s life, you are an integral part of it, and that means the world to us.

Adoption is about family, about love, and about making dreams come true. For us, absolutely. For a baby who will become a toddler, and the toddler who will become a teenager, and the teenager who will become an adult, for sure. We are in this thing together, you and us. We’re here for you.

So, like we said, we tend to get chatty when we get excited. I’m sure there’s more to say, and we can say it another time. Because we are hoping to hear from you again, maybe with questions, maybe with answers. Maybe with promises of your own.

But you’ve got partners in this now, men who will be here for and with you. And that’s a promise that means more to us than anything in the world.

Here’s to making dreams come true, you and us, and that baby who will always be ours.

With all the love in our hearts,

Anthony & Dominic

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Bret: We are in the beginning stages of our surrogacy process. So we're learning a lot of the terms right now. We're at the beginning of our "journey" right now. And just so you know we're on vacation right now at Walt Disneyworld, so that's why you see Sebastian and Flounder behind us. Basically we want to have a baby so we can take him or her to Disneyworld!

Stephen: We're babysitting right now! That's why we're being quiet.

B: So we have been married for 7 years, and together for 11 years. I've been living in NY for 20 years, I'm an actor and singer, and have been in multiple Broadway shows

S: And I'm originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and I moved to New York when in 7th grade, and I became a professional ballet dancer with New York City Ballet. And some other dancing and acting things, and I still continue to do that

B: I have a brother who's autistic, on the spectrum, and it's a genetic thing that has been passed down in the family. So knowing how difficult that was growing up with a special needs brother, we wanted to reduce the risk of that happening as much as we can. With biological surrogacy you can reduce the risk, but not eliminate it

S: Another reason we went down this route, is that my dad is an only child, and it's just my brother and myself. So it's just the 2 of us, and he and his wife aren't planning to have any babies, and I thought if I could do something about that, then I would!

B: So we went to the LGBT Center on 13th street, they do these monthly informational things just like general information for LGBTQ parenting - on adopting or the surrogacy route. I have 3 brothers – the autistic one is the oldest, and then two other brothers. Each has been married, each with multiple kids. My coming out story is that it was not easy. I grew up in Southeast Texas, and it's taken a lot of time for my family to grow to accept me, but for most of my adult life they've been very open and very accepting. What I realized that's different about the baby thing is, I don't think they realize how difficult it is for two men to have a baby. Like it makes sense to me, but for them because they can just get pregnant they don't even think about it!

S: Well we keep trying!

B: Also, I think a lot of people have an idea what our lifestyle is as Broadway performers, and they think it's so vastly different from what other people do, and it's not! It's just not always steady.

So we found out through another couple that they had gone through this organization called Men Having Babies, so we applied, and qualified for GPAP Stage 1 financial assistance. (GPAP is the Gay Parenting Assistance Program created by Men Having Babies to offer financial aid to couples who qualify). So Stage 1 is basically the most minimal level in terms of a financial discount on services and we went "Oh wait this might actually be an option, we might be able to do this". Because when we found out how much it was originally we said, "We don't have that kind of money!"

So I went to a Men Having Babies event that Stephen couldn't go to -and it was on the Upper West Side and everyone (at least from my eyes because I'm comparing myself) are like bankers and lawyers and, "We live on the Upper West Side and we gave up our share on Fire Island so we could have a baby" and I'm like "That is not my life, and I don't know how we're going to do this, but we're going to figure it out." We're just going to take it one step at a time. So like I said I went to the Men Having Babies event and I met with a doctor at RMA of Connecticut – Dr. Leondires. Without Stephen, again…

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B: We had a meeting, and I just felt like I was in good hands. He just explained everything to me and made it seem like it was actually manageable. And I realized that we could do this in stages – the first step is you come in, you do this whole day of bloodwork, you do all these things, and we'll freeze our sperm. Get through that first. And then we'll find an egg donor and then we'll make the embryos… and Dr. Leondires said you can do it in stages so it's not all at once.

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Something that makes me feel like I want to get this going is because I just turned 39 this past week and I don't want to be too old by the time my kid is in high school.

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S: I'm nervous about being a gay parent anywhere, to be honest. I think that that's inherently because being gay, I've grown up a little nervous to be in new settings or new situations in general.

B: But I'm excited. What I love about being with kids is their imaginations, to play along with their imaginations! I'm excited for Easter and Christmas and for our nephew to have a cousin.

S: I'm excited to extend our family! What we have and to pass it down in every way that we can, and I think that being on this journey allows us to do that.

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