Gay Dad Life

A Game Show Winner on his Biggest Jackpot Yet: A Son

When Michael Bellavia first started looking into becoming a father he, like many gay men, was discouraged by the steep price tag. Unlike most gay men, however, his path to fatherhood was paved in gold. Twice. Michael's story is one of unbelievable good fortune that ultimately led Michael to the biggest jackpot of his life---a son.

As it is for most parents-to-be, timing for Michael, a New York native turned Los Angeles transplant, was important. “I had wanted to be a dad all along," Michael said. “Family had [always] been important; everything from carrying on the family name, to legacy, to the feeling that life wouldn't be complete without [experiencing] that part … But other things took priority along the way."

Those other priorities consisted of a production company he co-owned and ran, and an agency called HelpGood that, according to its website, “works with nonprofits, NGOs, government agencies and corporate social responsibility teams to develop cause marketing, communication and fundraising strategies that inspire action."

Then in his 30s, Michael viewed his businesses as his babies, and everyone who worked for him as his kids. But it didn't leave much time for the real deal.

He was also in a long-term relationship with a man who didn't want children but who was very supportive of Michael's own dream to have a family. Both thought they'd eventually come around to the other's way of thinking. That didn't happen.

When Michael reached 40, he realized that fatherhood wasn't going to happen magically. He needed to do something. Initially he looked into surrogacy but the associated costs quickly put that option out of reach. So Michael decided adoption was the next-best route for him and he became certified by the county of L.A. to adopt. His partner was supportive and became licensed as well, not with the intention of becoming an active parent, but to be supportive of Michael's journey.

Yet Michael's adoption process stretched on. Eventually, he began to research other ways to put surrogacy within financial reach: He looked overseas.

First he considered India, but that was quickly taken off the table as the laws changed right as Michael began his research. Then it was Thailand, but after reading about several problematic surrogacy events there, he decided not to pursue it. Finally, there was Mexico. But just as he was about to put down a sizable deposit with an agency, The New York Times ran an article on the agency's shady business practices. The agency quickly imploded, and Michael was back to square one.

That was it, Michael thought. He decided to keep pursuing adoption. Also, his business had not been as profitable as it had been in the past, and as a result surrogacy seemed increasingly out of reach.

In 2013 Michael's luck began to change. While cleaning out his grandparents' attic in New York, his cousins stumbled upon a garbage bag full of stock certificates. Their fresh-off-the-boat immigrant grandparents, who passed away 15 years prior, had been buying stock certificates on the side with their hard-earned pay. All turned out to be worthless, except one, which turned out to be worth several hundred thousand dollars. That money was split between family members, and Michael was one of the beneficiaries.

This bit of money put surrogacy back on the table, but it still wasn't enough...

Michael began to consider other ways to help raise the money. He had always been a fan of game shows and even had a history of competing on them. So when an opportunity to be on a new FOX network show called “Boom!" arose, he and two of his friends applied and were accepted.

Michael on "Boom!"

The show was taped in August 2014. It was a multiple-choice general knowledge quiz show and the prize money was up to $500,000. Every time a contestant answered a question, he or she had to snip a wire of the bomb; if the answer was wrong, the bomb would explode spraying ketchup, chocolate sauce or some other sticky substance. One of his teammates answered a question incorrectly and was covered in goo, but they still make it to the final round.

And from there, they won $300,000, split three ways. Suddenly, Michael's dream of fatherhood was in reach.

Dominik at 4 months old; Michael at 552 months old (= 46 years)

Still, he hadn't settled on an egg donor. He decided to ask a close friend, Jessie, if she'd be willing to donate. She agreed, but originally with one condition: she would be his donor, but nothing more. As they began the egg retrieval process, however, Jessie changed her mind and asked if she could play a larger role in the baby's life. Michael, having already offered a closer relationship, didn't hesitate to accept the new terms.

2015 was a blur of non-stop activity and life events for Michael. They went through three surrogates before finding the right one. Jessie met Erika, the woman of her dreams, and got married. Michael and his partner reached a crossroads and after 15 years together, they amicably split. But most importantly: Michael became a dad when his son, Dominik, was born on July 7 of that year. There were four of them in the birthing room along with the surrogate: Michael, Jessie, Erika and Michael's ex who remained supportive (and still is) throughout the entire journey.

Dominik is now almost 22 months old. Michael, Jessie and Erika co-parent him together and, after a few initial figuring-out moments, all is going well. Michael emphasizes that communication is key and could not be happier with his family's dynamic.

Michael has also been dipping his toes back into the dating pool, and has been actively seeing someone for the past 21 months. They met just two weeks after Dominik was born (via Michael's hilarious Instagram feed) and they're still having fun together.

Michael was initially surprised by people's responses to him as a single gay dad. “Frankly, I felt like I got more interest," he said. “ I don't know if they saw a responsible dude or if they saw a "daddy" who is now a Daddy."

Michael has zero regrets about his path to parenthood, except perhaps maybe one. “I do sometimes get these pangs of 'I wish I'd done this earlier so that I would be around for more of his life,' " shared Michael. “I don't think I'm going to be grandpa, and that isn't scary but it is disappointing."

But there were moments when Michael thought he'd never become a dad so realizing that dream has made him happier than he ever thought possible.

As it was for Michael, becoming a parent via surrogacy can be out of reach for many would-be gay dads. But he does have some advice for those that want to try:

  1. “Do you need that $4 crappuccino? No! Take that money and put it in the baby basket."
  2. Talk to a financial consultant.
  3. Consider alternative families such as co-parenting with a lesbian couple.
  4. Make sure to check every garbage bag when cleaning out a deceased relative's attic.
  5. Check your state's unclaimed funds office - every state has one and your family might have money there too.
  6. And if you live in the New York or Los Angeles area, check out Craigslist for game show auditions, because you just never know...

Check out more family profiles here:

After a Harrowing Delivery, Barry's Bootcamp CEO Welcomes Home a Baby Boy

Afraid of Adopting from Foster Care? These Dads Say Don't Be

A Dad Finds Hope After a Failed Adoption

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Gay Dad Life

The Suburban Gay Dad

Are you intimidated by the suburbs? This gay dad was — but then he moved there.

In a recent article for Yahoo! Lifestyle, Steve Jacobs says the thought of living in the suburbs as a gay dad "intimidated" him. But when he started fantasizing about garages, he began to question that notion. Any apprehension he had soon evaporated, he said, one winter morning while trying to navigate the snowy streets of New York City with a stroller.

While "pushing the stroller through snow banks and pools of slush with snowflakes stinging our faces," he wrote, "a vision came to me: I pictured us walking into a garage, hopping into a car, and arriving at a diner with 10 times less drama. This image planted the seed of moving to the 'burbs that I couldn't shake."

Soon, the family of four found a house in a town a half hour outside the city. "It had grass and a beautiful yard for our spirited kiddos. The schools were good. There were even good restaurants. The only red flag: Census data estimated only 0.1 percent of the population was gay male."

There were some "growing pains" while trying to make friends in this environment. "When we attended our first dinner party, within minutes the hostess went to the kitchen and the other wives followed her, while the husbands settled into the living room. Ira and I froze, looking at each other. In the city, our straight friends hadn't separated out like this for the evening. Should we stay with the dudes, exert our masculinity, and blow off the mom we liked? Or does one of us go with the wives and accept the personal branding that comes with that? We did a quick rock paper scissors in the foyer. Ira went with the wives."

But ultimately, "being a parent defined me more than I ever imagined it would," he wrote, and he settled in nicely to his new suburban life.

Have you had a similar adjustment, from city life to the suburbs? Tell us about it at for an upcoming piece!

Gay Dad Life

"Fridays with Fitz": A New Kid's Book Based Upon the Son of These Two Dads

Tracey Wimperly, author of the new children's book, said she hopes to give a more honest portrayal of the role grandparents play in the lives of children.

Guest post Tracey Wimperly

I've recently written a children's picture book (aimed at 2-4 year olds) called "Fridays with Fitz: Fitz Goes to the Pool." Every Friday - when his two dads go to work - Fitz and his grandparents (my husband, Steve and I) head off on an adventure. Through the eyes of a curious and energetic 3 year old, even ordinary adventures, like riding the bus or foraging for fungus in the forest can be fun and magical.

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8 Ways for Dads to Find Work/Life Balance

Finding work/life balance is hard enough... but can be even harder for gay dads.

Having kids is an amazing part of life, and it should be fun. Life does tend to get in the way sometimes, and one huge aspect of that is work. Striking that balance between work and home life is tough. If you both work it's even harder.

And if you're a gay couple, it can have it's own set of problems above and beyond the standard work-life issues that people face. Recently, the Harvard Business Review conducted a study that focused specifically on the experiences of same-sex couples who wanted to make moves towards a work/life balance.

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David and Ben Met on the Dance Floor — and Are Now Grooving Their Way Through Fatherhood

David and Ben, who became fathers with the help of Northwest Surrogacy Center, live in Melbourne with their daughter, Maia.

In 2003, while both studying at Reading University in the UK, Ben Suter and David Cocks met after locking eyes on the dance floor and then being introduced by a mutual friend. Ben, a meteorologist and Operations Manager, and David, an Assistant Principal, have been together ever since. They moved to Australia together in 2010, seeking a different life, and an overall better work-life balance. The chose Cairns in Queensland as their new home, between the Great Barrier Reef and the tropical rainforest, "taking life a bit easier," said David. The couple were also married in June 2016, back home in England.

While David always wanted kids, Ben took a little convincing. So they started their parenting journey with a dog, Titan, who quickly became like their first born. From there, Ben came around rather quickly.

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Single Gay Dad and the City

When Kyle decided to take his four kids, ages 6-11, to New York City on vacation, his friends thought he was crazy.

"You're crazy, Kyle."

"You can't be serious? A single dad taking four kids to the Big Apple? Think again."

"That's bold. There's no way I'd do that."

Those were a few of the responses I heard from my friends as I told them I was thinking of booking a trip to New York City with four kids, ages 11-6. My children's fall vacation from school was approaching and I wanted to get out of the house and explore. Was the Big Apple too much of an adventure?

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National's Pitcher Cites Wife's Two Moms as Reason for Declining White House Invite

"I think that's an important part of allyship," Doolittle said of his wife's two moms.

Sean Doolittle, pitcher for the Washington Nationals, declined an invitation to the White House after his team won the World Series this year. In an interview with the Washington Post, he listed his numerous reasons for staying home — and a main consideration, he revealed, was his wife's two moms.

"I want to show support for them. I think that's an important part of allyship, and I don't want to turn my back on them," Doolittle said during the interview.

Trump's treatment of a minority groups, generally, factored into his decision as well. "I have a brother-in-law who has autism, and [Trump] is a guy that mocked a disabled reporter. How would I explain that to him that I hung out with somebody who mocked the way that he talked or the way that he moves his hands? I can't get past that stuff."

Doolitttle clarified that his decision had little to do with policy disagreements with the White House. "There's a lot of things, policies that I disagree with, but at the end of the day, it has more to do with the divisive rhetoric and the enabling of conspiracy theories and widening the divide in this country. My wife and I stand for inclusion and acceptance, and we've done work with refugees, people that come from, you know, the 'shithole countries.'"

He concluded by saying he respected his teammates decision to attend the White house ceremony. "I want people to know that I put thought into this, and at the end of the day, I just can't go."

Read more of the Washington Post interview here.


New York Will Fight 'Repugnant' Trump Rule on Adoption, Says Cuomo

Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York promises legal action of the Trump administration moves ahead with plans to allow discrimination against LGBTQ adoptive and foster parents

Last week, the Trump administration announced plans to allow adoption and foster care agencies to discriminate against prospective LGBTQ parents — but he may face a legal fight from (former) hometown. In a tweet, Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York said the proposed move "isn't just discriminatory and repugnant to our values,— it's also heartless and dumb as it would deny countless children a loving family and a safe place to call home." If the proposal moves forward, he continued. "we'll take legal action to stop it.

Governor Cuomo's office followed up the tweet with a lengthier statement posted to their website:

Once again the Trump administration is attacking the hard-earned rights and protections of the LGBTQ community, this time proposing a new measure that would give foster care and adoption agencies license to discriminate based on sexual orientation or gender identity.

Trump's proposal isn't just discriminatory and repugnant to our values — it's also heartless and dumb as it would deny countless children a loving family and a safe place to call home. If he moves forward with this rule, we'll take legal action to stop it.

No matter what happens in Washington, New York State is and will continue to be a beacon of equality in this country. Our Human Rights Law and adoption regulations expressly prohibit discrimination against the LGBTQ community, including when it comes to adoption. I encourage any LGBTQ New Yorker who feels they are a victim of this discrimination to contact the State Division of Human Rights for assistance.

Our message to the Trump administration is simple: there is no place for hate in New York or in our nation, and we will not allow this noxious proposal to stop LGBTQ New Yorkers from becoming parents or providing care to children in need.

Fatherhood, the gay way

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