Become a Gay Dad

7 Tips to Consider When Choosing Your Surrogate or Gestational Carrier

Here are 7 Important Criteria to Review Before You Meet with a Prospective Gestational Carrier


You've either found your  gestational carrier (often called a “surrogate”) on your own or through a surrogacy agency. While the relationship between prospective dad and carrier is dependent on the personalities involved, here's a checklist of 7 items that should accurately describe all gestational carriers interested in helping gay men become dads.

1. She’s gay friendly. 

Generally, gestational carriers are allowed to choose which types of families they are comfortable working with and which they are not. A good agency will take the time to ensure your gestational carrier is not only comfortable helping gay men become dads, but she is in fact truly excited by the idea!

2. She’s already successfully carried a child to term. 

Roughly 10 percent of couples are affected by infertility. As a result, surrogacy agencies only work with women who have already successfully conceived and carried a child to term. This also ensures that the carrier will know what it's like to be pregnant and to deliver a baby.

3. She’s completed her own family.

A gestational carrier’s willingness to carry your child to term shouldn't make it impossible for her to complete her own family; therefore, make sure that your gestational carrier has completed her own family before she embarks on your family-creation journey.

4. She’s younger than 40.

While there are some exceptions, most surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics will only work with adult women between 21-40 years old, which represents their peak childbearing years.

5. She has a healthy BMI. 

A body mass index (BMI) over 35 can complicate a woman’s ability to conceive. As a result, agencies work with gestational carriers whose BMI is typically no more than 33. (For an egg donor, the standards are typically stricter, since being overweight can affect the quality of a woman’s eggs.)

6. She has no recent history of mood disorders. 

Surrogacy agencies will screen potential gestational carriers based on whether they are currently taking (or have recently ceased taking) anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Most agencies and fertility doctors require carriers to be free of such meds for a full year before entering a surrogacy contract.

7. She has emotional support from loved ones.

A gestational carrier must provide proof that her spouse is supportive of her decision  to embark on a surrogacy journey. If she is not married, she must have other people in her life who are supportive of her decision to act as a carrier, and who plan to provide love and support throughout for your carrier throughout the journey and in case of an emergency.

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One bonus consideration that is very important!

Make sure you genuinely like your carrier and enjoy spending time with her. You are going to share many moments with each other, and you'll become intimately involved in each other's lives throughout the journey.  Carriers deserve our utmost respect and support, and should be treated like a family member. So it's very important that you get along well.

Read Surrogacy for Gay Couples and Singles.

 

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Become a Gay Dad

Why One Gay Dad is Unapologetically Embracing Christmas Early This Year

By decorating for Christmas early this year, Erik says they aren't replacing Thanksgiving--just enhancing it


With everything going on in our country, I think saying that it has been a crazy year is an understatement. It has been emotionally difficult and draining at times for many. This year brought so many new changes that it is hard to wrap our minds around some of them. The daunting feeling of uncertainty looms over our heads as we march deeper into this unfamiliar territory led by someone that is so disconnected and embarrassing.

We can take solace in knowing that a new change is on the horizon and the midterm election a couple of weeks ago proved it. We are sick of being led by a tyrant. We want a leader to be proud of. We want a role model for our children, and I have all the faith in the world that we will find that perfect statesman. When we do, all of our hearts will know it. In the meantime, let us focus our positive energy on our beautiful and diverse families all across this amazing country.

Change is hard. Change is brutal. But a lot of times, change is beautiful. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes longer than we had hoped. With that said, one thing will not change- the holidays. For most families, this time of year brings cheer, joy, hope, and optimism for the new year to come.

I have always had one golden rule when it comes to decorating our home for the holidays: the current holiday must pass before decorating for another. Last year, our 3 year old developed an appreciation for all that Christmas brings. Now, her year and a half old little sister has now started to love it too. The way they both light up and get excited when they see Christmas decorations made me re-evaluate for the first time in my life, what if I changed things up this year? Decorating earlier will also help attenuate the political frustration that this year brought. That coupled with the amazement that our little girls have for Christmas makes a strong case for decorating for Christmas early. Sure, there are diehard Thanksgiving fans that grumble at the thought of Christmas coming early and I am sure they will give this a healthy eye roll and, if so, that's ok.

We are not replacing Thanksgiving. I like to think that we are just enhancing it. We will most definitely continue to teach our children the meaning of Thanksgiving and to enjoy the symbolic feast that comes along with it. The white pumpkins I usually put out for Thanksgiving really made a statement when I mixed them with the Christmas attire. I was quite surprised and impressed by the final outcome.

These days, one of my primary goals in life is to create an environment for my family that is happy, healthy, and nurturing. I want them to get excited about Christmas, both the true meaning and the atmosphere that it brings. When my children walk into the house, I want them to be transported into a bright, cheerful place that they will always remember. Perhaps it will even inspire the way they celebrate the holidays with their families (and our future grandchildren) in the future. The world can be a harsh, cold and scary place, especially more lately it seems. I would be lying if I said I didn't do this for myself too. I am. For the first time in my life, I am worried for the future of our country. I am terrified of the direction we as Americans have taken and it is setting a precedent on what the future will be like for my family. For example, mass shootings that seem to happen monthly now met with the lack of response followed by a series of excuses by our leaders along with the bigotry and racism masked by patriotism that plague our society. I know I am speaking of sore subjects, but all of these reasons give me the motivation for welcoming the Christmas season earlier.


I do have faith that in time, competent leaders will emerge and will steer us in a direction that will help fade our fear into the bold and lionhearted society that we are. Voices were heard a couple of weeks ago. This was the most diverse group of elected officials on record! There is a fire that has been ignited within us and time will allow it to spread. That fire is coming in the form of what we all have hoped for- Change.

We as LGBTQ families need to comfort one another. Lets extend our hands to each other. Let this holiday season not be about the "correct" time in which we decorate for Christmas, moreover lets make it about coming together as a community that lifts each other up. Lets protect each other. Lets embrace each other for all the we are, all that we bring and all that we stand for. Let us not be silenced- and pushed into a corner but let us lead by example- while showing our children who their parents are by being respectful, tolerant and warmhearted as we welcome this Christmas season.

May you and your family have the most beautiful and happiest of holidays, regardless of when you choose to welcome Christmas. I pray that 2019 will bring each of you happiness, patience, resilience and with time, we will get there, together!

Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Gay Belgian Dads Give Detailed Account of Their Two Surrogacy Journeys in the U.S.

Gay dads Wim and Dirk pen a detailed essay to give a glimpse into what the surrogacy process is like in the United States as a foreigner.

Written by dads Wim and Dirk.

At first we didn't know about the surrogacy possibilities in the United States, so we prepared ourselves for adoption. We followed the mandatory adoption courses, as most gay couples in Belgium do when they want to have children. We started with the international adoption course but when most countries closed international adoption for gays we decided to give up international adoption and go for national adoption. While we were in the process of being evaluated (psychologically, financially, ...) we read an article in a newspaper about a gay couple that was expecting a child through surrogacy. We managed to contact them and they've told us their surrogacy journey.

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5 Questions Gay Men Should Ask Themselves Before Starting Surrogacy

Here are five questions gay men should make sure they have the answers to before starting a surrogacy journey

Photo credit: Melissa Bissell Photography

Babies are the best! And growing your family through surrogacy is an amazing experience for everyone involved. There is a tremendous amount of planning, a detailed process and a rollercoaster of emotions that go along with it.

Before you begin your surrogacy journey, here are 5 questions you should ask yourself – and have the answers to! – to help ensure the smoothest journey possible.

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Change the World

Study Finds Two-Thirds of Gay Dads Experienced Stigma in Last Year

The study also found that over half of gay dads have avoided certain social situations in the last year for fear of experiencing stigma.

According to new research by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the vast majority of gay men and their children experience some form of stigma. The findings are based on a survey of 732 gay father across 47 states in the United States.

More gay men are becoming fathers each year, and have more options for doing so than ever before: including adoption, foster care, and surrogacy. However as the study's authors write: "Despite legal, medical, and social advances, gay fathers and their children continue to experience stigma and avoid situations because of fear of stigma. Increasing evidence reveals that stigma is associated with reduced well-being of children and adults, including psychiatric symptoms and suicidality"

Almost two-thirds of respondents, or 63.5%, reported experiencing stigma based on being a gay father within the last year. Over half, or 51.2%, said they have avoided situations for fear of stigma, in the past year. Importantly, the study found that fathers living in states with more legal protections for LGBTQ people and families experienced fewer barriers and stigma. Most experiences of stigma (almost 35%) occurred, unsurprisingly, in a religious environment. But another quarter of gay dads said they experienced stigma from a wide variety of other sources, including: family members, neighbors, waiters, service providers, and salespeople

Surprisingly (or perhaps not?) another source of stigma cited by the study originates from other gay men. "Gay men report suspicion and criticism for their decision to be parents from gay friends who have not chosen parenthood." The study also says gay dads often feel "isolation in their parental role."

The study concludes, "Despite growing acceptance of parenting by same-gender adults, barriers and stigma persist. States' legal and social protections for lesbian and gay individuals and families appear to be effective in reducing experiences of stigma for gay fathers."

Read the whole study here.

Gay Dad Photo Essays

5 Pics of Ricky Martin In Newborn Baby Bliss

He may be a superstar most of the year, but with a new baby girl at home, Ricky Martin is just a regular ol' dad deep in the throes of newborn baby bliss.

On January 1st, 2019 superstar Ricky Martin and his husband Jwan Yosef shared a post via Instagram announcing that they'd welcomed a baby girl named Lucia into their family.

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Gay Dad Life

Gay Dads Featured on Cover of Parents Magazine for First Time

Fitness guru Shaun T. and his husband Scott Blokker are the first gay dads to be featured on the cover of Parents Magazine

I literally never thought I'd see the day. Literally.

Gay fathers on the cover of Parents Magazine! Gay fathers being celebrated in a "main stream" publication about being parents. Gay fathers!

I don't want to get overly dramatic here, but this is a milestone. A massive cultural milestone.

Sure, gay dads have come a long way in being accepted in our popular culture, but to my eye we've never been on the cover of a big popular parenting magazine celebrating our parenting skills. As if we are the norm.

We are now - thanks to Parents Magazine.

This is a particular milestone for me because I have a bit of a history with the magazine and with parenting publications in general. My first job out of grad school was in brand marketing at Johnson's Baby Products where I did indeed run advertising in this particular magazine. Back then though we only featured married, straight couples. There were no other kinds of parents to feature back in the day! And if I'm to be really honest, they were generally white, married, straight couples.

I distinctly remember one photo shoot where I forgot to put a wedding ring on the "husband's" finger and we had to reshoot it. No photoshop back then!

Now admittedly this was before I was a dad and before I was out, but as the years went by and I embraced my own journey as a gay dad, there were no role models or pop culture markers to say that I (and other gay dads) were accepted. There were no Andy Cohens publicly making baby announcements. We were alone on our parenting.

It was hard. There was a constant barrage of straight parenting norms that constantly reminded us that we were different.
Not any more! Being a gay dad, or any dad, is now simply being a parent. A good parent. A loving parent. And we have Parents Magazine to thank for the reminder and endorsement, with hopefully more to come.

And I can't help but think, and actually know, that this kind of normalization will inspire the next generation of gay dads who will simply accept, without hesitation, that fatherhood as a gay man is a real, accepted, and normal option.

Bravo!

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Broadway Husbands Talk Eggs, Embryos and Exciting News

The husbands explain what is considered a good egg retrieval.

In their previous video, Broadway Husbands Bret Shuford and Stephen Hanna shared that they found their egg donor. In this video, the dads-to-be discuss their embryo creation process. And - spoiler alert - there are now frozen Hanna-Shuford embryos, and the husbands are ready for their next step: finding a gestational carrier.

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