Expert Advice

5 Keys to Emotional and Sexual Wellness While Raising Kids

How can two men raising small kids keep emotional and sexual wellness at the top of the list?

Recently I've had the marvelous experience of seeing my children attempt to decipher the English language, from sight words to phonics and everything in between. The struggle is real and tangible, but also so worth it to witness the development of their brains in such complex yet systematic and elegant ways. I try to appreciate those moments, because a moment later they do the stupidest shit on the fucking planet—for example, take a Jedi lightsaber, point it up my nose, and, without any reservations, pull the trigger, all the while laughing—and all that appreciation for our maker goes right out the window.


I often ask myself, how can two men raising twin boys continue the romance we had prior to having kids, and still keep sexual relations at the top of the list? Ha. Don't make me laugh. Priorities change. Or maybe you change? Fuck, something changes, I assure you. But my goal has always been to achieve emotional and sexual wellness for myself and my partner, while still keeping our children top priority.

When we talk about wellness, we mean the quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort. If you really focus on that definition, there is one word that stands out amongst all the rest: effort. Maintaining wellness involves effort, and not only yours, but also your partner's and your kids'. Without that combined energy, not only will your family not reach its true potential, but also your own emotional and sexual wellness will suffer. So, what's the key to success, you ask?

Frank Discussions

It is critical to have full-disclosure discussions on what you want out of life, specifically as it pertains to emotional and sexual wellness. Start with personal reflection and then move to discourse with every member of the family. Clearly, the discussion points will differ in conversations that are geared toward your two-year-old versus your partner or others in the household, but it's the simple act of disclosure and positivity that's key. I am not saying that it's always going to go your way or that it's your decision, or else. Life's a give and take, but the truest self-analysis allows you to create an evenly dispersed reality with the goal of fruitful and positive relationships. Remember: without being self-critical and diving deeper into the root of the cause, resolution or improvement will never be reached.

For instance, after five years of rearing our children, I finally decided that it was time to have a heart-to-heart with my partner, Andy. I told him that I needed some "me" time, and that I wanted to expand my practice to LA. This was not only strategic for my brand, Bespoke Surgical, but would also give me time to myself to reflect on what we—Andy and I—were actually creating: our family. Do I love to leave the kids? Hell no. Do I think it's important for my soul to be renewed? Totally. One week a month away allows me the other three weeks of living together to truly be in it one hundred percent. Sometimes in Andy as well, but maybe that's TMI.

Family Time

We are all such busy people, including our children! Raising them in New York can mean that every second of every day is accounted for. Understanding that there are only 24 hours in a day, the key is to carve out some dedicated family time. It's totally not easy and let me tell you, I get pulled in many, many directions all day, specifically when I come home. But we set rules and boundaries to facilitate success. Andy understands my passion for the kids, especially since I am away all day, and provides me with this time. And sometimes, we plan time alone with each child. This has been beyond successful for meeting each of our rambunctious children's differing needs.

Partner Time

Once the kids are tucked into bed, it can be you and your partner's time to catch up on any daily events, but more importantly, really hone in on the emotional side of things—positive and negative. This allows for appropriate decision making with the hopes of improved transformations. Also, this should lead to sexual topics on all things play and exploration. But let's leave the ass play discussion to the bottom. Oh, and one more thing: it's hard work and sometimes you may feel like you are walking a tightrope, but the fact remains—the clients I see that have successful relationships have one thing and one thing only in common: communication.

"Me" Time

I feel as if this is the most important time for emotional wellness and is most often forgotten or ignored. Time to yourself is essential for fostering positive parenting and relationships. Now, you can say that all day at work and during your commute, you are, in essence, "alone," but your mind is preoccupied during those hours and there's no way to truly focus on you as an individual to restore your soul. The work hard/play hard scenario holds so true in delineating the balance and I implore you to carve out some "me" time, engaging in the things that bring or restore pleasure into your life. It will translate to improving your relationships across all disciplines. Some may only need a short time to themselves, while others will need more time to recharge. Am I crazy for needing four days a month away? Actually, don't answer that. At least there's FaceTime!

Sexual Exploration

Lastly, without the above frank discussions, appropriate time management involving family, and partner and "me" time, any intimacy and sexual exploration will result in a limp dick. Now doesn't that suck (and not in a good way)? With all seriousness, intimacy in all forms and all of its complexities is such an important part of relationships and leads to obtaining full and complete emotional success. This clearly translates to improved relationships, let alone the most important one that we have formed: our family.

Some straight-forward questioning: are you getting what you sexually desire? Is your partner? Can you or your partner provide what is desired and, if not, who will and what are the rules of engagement (together, group play, or open the world)? Or do you, like me, want to just shut the fuck up and watch TV on the couch? That response is totally acceptable as long as everyone is in full agreement. The balance may never be truly 50/50, but just like the give and take with all other family rearing, this needs to be approached in a similar fashion. The exploration needs to be consensual, even if it's not your partner who is beside (or on top or beneath) you. And constant psychosocial and medical risk assessment is imperative to making sure everyone plays by the rules and the rules are deemed safe.

I know we covered lots of topics on the emotional and sexual identity as it pertains to you, your partner or partners, and the entire family. And I hope that you are not fleeing to Canada, like Julianne Moore in The Hours. But the reality is that the effort mentioned and the time commitment for both emotional connectivity and intimacy, when it comes to one's identity, is sometimes dismissed and ignored. Yet it is crucial to not only the success of your adult relationship, but also critical to the foundation of amazing parenting. And we as gay parents have given tremendous thought and/or financial resources in order to be afforded this luxury of having children—and we owe this retrospection to the integrity of its success. Go forth and be critical—most importantly of yourself.

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Do you all too often have more month left over at the end of your money? Do you work hard for your paycheck only to watch it go out faster than it comes in? Do you ever wonder how you'll put your children through school?

You're not alone. The truth is that even though "gays are fabulous" (and we are), most of our community is struggling financially.

And we can relate.

Who are we?

After dating for 18 months, we came out of the closet to each other about our money, and it wasn't pretty. We were $51,000 in credit card debt. Ouch! Sure, everything looked good on the outside. But we were hurting on the inside.

We were the gay cliché of being fabulous but fabulously broke. Ever feel this way?

You see, coming from times and places when it wasn't okay to be gay, we were both bullied, picked and treated differently because we were – well – different. We grew up feeling like we weren't as good as the other kids. Can you relate?

Then, when we found the courage to come out of the closet and moved away from our families to find other people like us, we were so insecure and wanted so desperately to fit in with the other gays, that we thought we needed all the right things – clothes, home, travel, careers, partners, stuff – all the right outward appearances – so we wouldn't be othered by another community. Our community. Sound familiar?

We paid off that credit card debt in less than three years! It took a lot of soul searching, and we attribute that success to figuring out what was most important to us. Sixteen years later, today, we're helping other queer people achieve the same financial security.

Is queer money different than straight money?

If you thought you (and now us) were alone in this struggle, did you know that:

  • same-sex couples with at least once child under the age of 18 have 20% more credit card debt than their straight peers and have almost 90% more student loan debt?
  • queer college graduates have 16% more student loan debt than non-queer graduates?
  • 57% of our community says their current financial condition harms their mental health?

So, no, you're not alone. Yes, our community has systematic and personal struggles with money. Yes, there's something we can do about it but knowing there's a problem isn't enough.

Just like wanting to have children or land a better paying job, we must do something to get what we want.

Is there help? Yes!

You see, we want to help build a stronger queer community. We believe that for us to get stronger than we are today, we need financially stronger LGBTQ individuals and allies. The stronger we are as a community, the more we can push for the equality that our community and families still need.

We want to thank Gays with Kids for letting us introduce ourselves, our blog debtfreeguys.com and our podcast, Queer Money® where we help queer people (and our allies) solve their money problems and use their careers to achieve financial success.

Look out for more information coming from us to help you do just that, and check out our Gays With Kids page. In the meantime, you may find this information of ours below helpful:

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Tip Number 2 – Experiment in your kitchen with herbs and spices you haven't used before. Some items we've added in recent years include cumin, tarragon, curry, turmeric and ginger. Start slowly, though, you can always add more next time.

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