4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters
Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.
There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.
Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.
Whether she is your first child or you're a seasoned parent, your daughter depends on you for much more than just her basic needs. One thing kids look to their parents for is empathy and personal connection.
As she grows up, your daughter will be going through a lot of changes that she'll need help navigating, such as puberty, complex emotions and her ever-changing social life. Luckily, there are a number of ways to build trust and create a safe space for her to grow and discover who she is becoming with you by her side.
Listen before offering a fix
Dads in general are pretty protective of their daughters. As her single parent, you'll be the one who makes everything better. You'll be the one to bandage up her knee when she falls off her bike and the one to check for monsters in the closet. As she gets older, that protective instinct will still exist, but it will be more and more important to learn when to just listen without intervening.
Your daughter's life will grow in complexity over time and she will have to make decisions that you can't make for her. As her body changes and her teen brain undergoes structural transitions, she'll develop self-awareness and emotional maturity, a process often accompanied by confusion and frustration. The way you respond to her emotions will impact how she learns to cope with challenges in her own life.
Try to resist the instinct to fix things right away. Oftentimes, she'll just appreciate knowing she's not going through her life alone. This realization is very important to her growth. Lending a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on does more for her than you may realize; it deepens your connection and builds trust.
This approach will also assure your daughter that her feelings are normal and valid. She may be dealing with a bully at school, her first breakup or her own self-worth, and she'll lean on you for emotional support as well as solutions.
Never underestimate the power of research. As a gay dad and a single parent, there will inevitably be certain things that you aren't an expert in. You're not alone! Find opportunities to educate yourself at every corner.
There are so many resources available to you – books, blogs like this one, informational videos, support groups, organizations and other media. These tools can help you learn how to connect with your daughter and take the pressure off yourself to do and be everything to her.
When in doubt, seek out doctors, mental health professionals, a community of other single parents, even social researchers who can give you valuable insight.
Be Fully Present and Involved
Single dads are superheroes. Juggling your job, home life and parenthood, you're probably running through your day at warp speed, likely without much rest. It's important to plan intentional time for yourself to recharge and time for you and your daughter to enjoy life together, without distractions. Have a game night, a regular movie date or an annual vacation holiday that you reserve for just the two of you.
Also, try to be fully present and actively listen during conversation or if you're attending your daughter's school play, dance recital, soccer game, piano performance or parent-teacher conference. Showing up with limited distractions or excuses will let her and her leaders know that you're dedicated to knowing and supporting her.
Your involvement also means you can be more aware of her choices in friends, interests, influences and beliefs, which can bolster your relationship even more. You don't have to be a helicopter dad, but by fostering open and honest conversation, she'll trust that you're always on her side.
Find Your Tribe
It takes a village, right? Your personal support system will make it possible for you to be there and be better for your daughter. If you need an afternoon to relax or clean up the house, don't be afraid to ask your close friends and family to help out. There are most likely a ton of people who would love to invest in your and your daughter's life.
As a single dad, there will also be conversations that your daughter needs to have that you can't relate to as well. Reach out to a female role model in her life that can tackle topics like the emotions that come with puberty, the most comfortable tampon to wear during her first period, the best birth control options for her, and dating advice from a woman's perspective.
Asking someone else to talk to her about these things doesn't mean you've stepped aside, but rather, that you've added to her list of resources and grown her support system. Make sure your daughter knows that you're willing to help her find the right person to consult about girl-specific topics if it would make her feel more comfortable and empowered as a young woman.
Being a single gay dad presents opportunities for connection and growth that are unique and unlike any other experience. You're a cherished part of her life, as she is in yours. While it can feel like foreign territory at times, you can stay close and build a strong, healthy foundation for your daughter if you stay involved and prioritize your relationship.