Gay Dad Life

11 Reasons My Florida Gay Marriage Was Better Than Your Traditional Marriage

Franky and I got married ...

John, Zachary, Franky

... and I HAD to write about it.

As many people know, on January 6 of this year, Florida became the 36th state to allow same-sex couples to legally marry. My partner Franky and I were ready: In eight years, we bought a house together; we’ve let our finances become intertwined (*COU-hepaysforeverything-OUGH!* oh, ‘scuse me. I must have had someth... anyway); and we’ve been raising a child together for the last four years.

Now usually people dream of weddings with beautiful flowers, and well thought-out ceremonies where people make toasts and walk in the room in the perfect way while the sun reflects off golden tan skin while the man person and the man woman other person gaze into each other’s eyes lovingly.

Our wedding was not this traditional kind. Ours was the marriage-equality-damn-we-can-get-married-drop-everything-let’s-go kind… and it was so much BETTER than that other stuff, and here’s why:

11. There was zero planning

Weddings typically take years of planning and organizing and scrutinizing over every last detail. What kind of glass wear will we use? Where will everybody sit? What gorgeously romantic exquisite elegant matrimonial ceremonial traditional spiritual location shall we chooseth?

Nope. Not us. Facebook invite: Meet us at the courthouse in three days, b*tches! We’re getting hitched! Done and done. Even the father who married us just sort of appeared outside.

10. We didn't have to go it alone

Most marriages can be really frightening, stressful, and lonely when it’s just you and your significant other taking the plunge. There's so much to think about, like what if we’re not ready? What if s/he’s not the one? This marriage is just the two of us. No one else.

Unless of course you’re getting married with every committed gay relationship in the entire state! If everyone was jumping off a bridge, would you? Yes! Of course you would! Because, as I told my mom once, there’s probably a really good reason if everyone is doing it. Maybe the bridge is over a chocolate river? Maybe the bridge is only a foot high and on the way somewhere important? The point is, it’s more reassuring when you are surrounded by so many damn people you’re required to take a number out of those number roll machines you see at the deli counter. Literally, we did. Ours was A26.

9. It was way more important than any ole traditional marriage

As a small child I remember my mother always saying, “Now John, if you want your marriage to feel really special, have it one minute after it’s legal in your state.” I held on to that motherly wisdom and I’m glad I did. Yes, I could have gone traditional, worn the dress, done my hair up in a $2000 bun, but was that going to get me in gay magazines across the country? No. No it wasn’t. My mother knew that instinctively.

8. We could bring our kid

The thing that’s so messed up about traditional marriage is it’s so out of order. How are you supposed to have your kids at your wedding if you haven’t even had them yet? Thankfully, as gay people, we were given the right to raise kids long before we were given the right to be an actual family in the eyes of the state. Thank goodness, because it wouldn’t have been the same without our little Zachary.

7. It was one-zillionth the cost

The dress, the dreamy location, the fancy hors d'oeuvre, and the man playing the piano, and the hand-made encrusted encrypted engraved metal napkin holders all add up. It takes loans and savings and in-laws and sometimes years and years to pay off this beautiful day.

Our wedding? Rings, new outfit, bam, done.

6. The hot guys in cop uniforms were NOT strippers

Actual Cop

They were actual cops ... Wait, none of them stripped; that’s totally a downside. Never mind.

5. It was at midnight

Let’s face it, nobody would ever choose to get married at 12:01am on a frickin’ Tuesday. Gay people work too, y’know. But think about it, how rebelliously cool is THAT? Like, who gets married in the middle of the freakin' NIGHT?

That’s right. We do. Maybe it’s the teenager in me, but having a Starbucks Grande dark roast coffee at 8pm without ANY guilt was a tiny private marriage in and of itself. Yeah, that’s right; I married that cup of coffee. Hmm, on second thought, that’s probably not so much the teenager as it is the old lady in me.

4. It was in a government office building

This might not seem like an advantage necessarily, but you have to think about things that are cool because of their juxtaposition. Like, when that town in Washington erected that noble monument of Kurt Cobain. Sure, towns erect monuments, and sure, Kurt Cobain was an important part of history for many people…but WHAAAT? It was cool like that.

We were escorted in the usual way. We went from the front door metal detectors, up to the third floor to fetch our numbers, then to this huge jury duty room with theater seating and huge TVs and a podium. After announcements were made, numbers were called (think bingo night), we were shuffled down the matrimonial stairwell to a room that I dubbed “Where the DMV and Gay Pride collide.” It was so exciting that 300 or so gay people, a zillion news reporters, and a handful of cheery, lighthearted police officers and government workers had partied up this otherwise dark, closed-for-business building downtown. Even coffee, sparkling cider, and a bunch of beautiful wedding cakes were brought in by Stork’s Bakery, which is a local café in Fort Lauderdale. The whole thing was actually pretty organized too.

3. The elected county clerk and county sheriff were there

Were the elected county clerk and county sheriff at your traditional wedding? Nope? Nope. I didn’t think so. Awe, don’t cry about it, your mascara will run.

2. We’ll share our anniversary with our closest friends

And several thousand others in Florida. So basically, if you ever hear, say, a new coworker tell your office buddy that his wedding anniversary is January 6, you can safely assume that he’s gay and from Florida. If YOUR wedding anniversary is January 6, you are most likely gay and from Florida. If your parents were wed January 6, they are now gay and from Florida.

Lori, KJ, Zachary, Franky, and John

In all seriousness, though, we did get to get married together with two women who mean the world to my partner, my son and me. Lori and KJ, who got married together with us, have been a huge, stable and shiny part of our lives for a good while. Our son knows and loves them about as much as he loves us. These girls know how to instill values, keep him safe, buy adorable toddler clothes, and just love like no other, and we are so lucky to have shared such a special day with them. Zachary will have a better grasp of the meaning of marriage with them having been with us.

1. Love

We love each other. That doesn’t actually make our marriage better than anyone else’s, and the truth is that of course it’s not, but the number one reason it’s so great is not just the love we have for each other but the love we receive from family and friends. That’s it.

See, neither of us really thought much about marriage, never dreamt it would happen. As a gay person, you spend your childhood trying to hide inside yourself, and your young adulthood trying to find yourself again, and then explain yourself to everyone else. Marriage? Kids? That was backburner. Gay people have been ridiculed, mocked, beaten; their bodies left naked and dead, tied to chain-linked fences because of who they were. Many, many, many gay people missed this opportunity, and many people still live in so much fear.

Not my family. Not anymore.

Throughout Zachary’s life he’s never knew that we were all supposed to have the same last name. His face lit up like I’d given him a giant Jawbreaker when I told him his daddies would now have his last name. He couldn’t believe it.

The Duffy-Sweeneys aren’t just equal; we are completely surrounded by gratitude, joy, inspiration, dreams and love. If you are reading this, you are likely a giant part of that love. We got cards, gifts, a fruit basket not 24 hours after we mentioned it, calls and texts from family and friends, so much Facebook activity from our pictures and posts that my eyes actually sting from reading so many comments. It’s insane. We go outside and people congratulate us and we say thank you, but that’s just a speck of the gratitude we feel. Really, ours was just another marriage in an ocean of marriages.

Yet it was so much more. People are much more grateful for the things they have to fight for. Maybe that’s why it feels so much more special? We had to fight for this marriage. Well, the fight’s over, bam, done and done.

Equality = Love.

And to anyone who reads this marriage lovey crap and wants to barf, grab a bag bitch, all that bitter is gonna sting coming up. Just kidding, I’ve been there. I’ll probably read this in a year and need to borrow your bag. Anyway, love. Love is the answer. < Barf>

(all photos courtesy Peter Cross - except the one I got from Michael Solney's Facebook page)

Show Comments ()
Personal Essays by Gay Dads

Just Like Dad: Ways My Kids and I Are Alike

Joseph Sadusky recounts the ways he and his adopted sons are cut from the same cloth.

Editor's Note: This is the third in a series of excerpts from Joseph Sadusky's new book, Magic Lessons: Celebratory and Cautionary Tales about Life as a (Single, Gay, Transracially Adoptive) Dad. The book contains many stories about my life as a dad, as well as lessons learned, and we're excited to share several excerpts from the the book over the course of the next few months. Read previous installments here!

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

10 of Our Most Popular Posts Featuring Single Gay Dads

Happy Single Parent's Day! To celebrate, we rounded up some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads.

Did you know March 21st is Single Parents Day? Well now you do, and you should mark the occasion by checking out our round up of some of our most popular articles featuring single gay dads!

Keep reading... Show less
Gay Dad Life

What's Life Like as a Single Gay Dad? These Guys Sound Off

We checked in with some of the single gay dads in our community to see what life is like while parenting solo

March 21st is Single Parents Day! To celebrate, we checked in with some single gay men in our community to sound off on what life is like while parenting solo — the good, the challening and everything in between.

Keep reading... Show less

Gestational Surrogacy Legalized in New York State

The Child-Parent Security Act, which legalizes commercial surrogacy in New York State, was included in the 2020 New York State Budget signed by Governor Cuomo

Yesterday, a years-long battle about the state of compensated gestational surrogacy came to an end in New York when the Governor signed into a law the Child-Parent Security Act in the 2020 as part of the state budget.

The effort stalled last year after opponents, including several Democrats, successfully argued that the bill didn't go far enough to protect women who serve as surrogates — even though it included a surrogate "bill of rights," the first of its kind in the country, aimed at ensuring protections.

"Millions of New Yorkers need assistance building their families — people struggling with infertility, cancer survivors impacted by treatment, and members of the LGBTQ+ community," the Family Equality Council said in a statement about the victory. "For many, surrogacy is a critically important option. For others, it is the only option. Passage of the Child-Parent Security Act is a massive step forward in providing paths to parenthood for New Yorkers who use reproductive technology, and creates a 'surrogate's bill of rights' that will set a new standard for protecting surrogates nationwide."

Opponents, led by Senator Liz Krueger, had once again attempted to torpedo legalization efforts this year by introducing a second bill that would legalize surrogacy in New York, but also make it the most restrictive state in the country to do so. "A bill that complicates the legal proceedings for the parents and potentially allows them to lose their genetic child is truly unfortunate," said Sam Hyde, President of Circle Surrogacy, referencing to the bill's 8-day waiting period. He also took issue with the bills underlying assumptions about why women decide to serve as a surrogate. The added restrictions imply that "they're entering into these arrangements without full forethought and consideration of the intended parents that they're partnering with," he said.

The bill was sponsored by State Senator Brad Hoylman, an out gay man who became a father via surrogacy, and Assemblymember Amy Paulin, who has been public with her experiences with infertility.

"My husband and I had our two daughters through surrogacy," Holyman told Gay City News. "But we had to travel 3,000 miles away to California in order to do it. As a gay dad, I'm thrilled parents like us and people struggling with infertility will finally have the chance to create their own families through surrogacy here in New York."

"This law will [give intended parents] the opportunity to have a family in New York and not travel around the country, incurring exorbitant costs simply because they want to be parents," Paulin said for her part. It will "bring New York law in line with the needs of modern families."

Expert Advice

4 Tips for Single Gay Dads Raising Daughters

Here are some ways to create a safe space for your daughter to discover who she is, with you by her side.

There's nothing quite like father-daughter relationships, and when it comes to single dads, your little girl likely holds a very special place in your heart. From the moment she's born, it's as if you can see every moment of her life in front of you, from her first steps to walking her down the aisle at her wedding. You'll be the first man she'll know and talk to, and you'll be her biggest example of what a loving man looks like. She'll come to you for advice on how to navigate challenges, be independent, treat others and grow into herself.

Your relationship with your daughter may be shaped by your personal history, whether you've been through a difficult divorce or breakup, you've transitioned out of a straight relationship, or you made the courageous decision to pursue surrogacy on your own. Whatever your situation is, studies have shown that children with involved fathers excel more in school and have fewer behavioral issues in adolescence.

Keep reading... Show less
Change the World

After Suffering a Violent Homophobic Attack, This Gay Dad Turned to Advocacy

After Rene suffered a brutal homophobic attack that left him hospitalized, he and his family have turned to advocacy to heal

Guest post written by Rene and Nejc

We are Rene (35) and Nejc (29) and we come from Slovenia, Europe. I was an avid athlete, a Judoist, but now I am an LGBT activist and Nejc is a writer, who published a gay autobiography called Prepovedano. He was also a participant in a reality show in Slovenia (Bar) and he is an LGBT activist too. Nejc and I met by a mere coincidence on Facebook, and already after the first phone call we realized that we are made for each other. Nejc and I have been together as couple almost one year. We think we have been joined by some energy, as we have both experienced a lot of bad things with previous relationships and now we wish to create and shape our common path.

Keep reading... Show less
Personal Essays by Gay Dads

How to Survive a Midlife Crisis (A Guide for Gay Dads)

Turns out David Blacker is, in fact, experiencing a midlife crisis — according to the very official results of a Buzzfeed quiz

Today I took one of those Buzzfeed-like quizzes to determine whether or not I am having a midlife crisis. I know what you're thinking. How can 29 be considered mid-life? God bless you, but I'm actually 35. Fine, 41. The Buzzfeed results — granted, we're not talking a true clinical assessment here — implied that I am, in fact, showing symptoms of a midlife crisis. But instead of shopping for a new sports car, I'm looking around for something else.

Problem is, I don't quite know what that is yet.

Keep reading... Show less

Fatherhood, the gay way

Get the latest from Gays With Kids delivered to your inbox!

Follow Gays With Kids

Powered by RebelMouse